Argh stupid pointless lie. I'm such a dick!

[Namechangeohnamechange]

Name changed for this because I feel like such a twat but I'm a regular I promise.

Bumped into a guy I've known for a few years today when out for a walk with the dc. Closer to an acquaintance than a friend but have always really liked him.

Anyway we were chatting and he was admiring my dc and he then told me that him and his wife were going through IVF. I don't know what on earth came over me, but next thing I knew I was pointing at DD1 and telling him that she was an IVF baby. She absolutely was not an IVF baby. In fact she was pretty much the opposite.

I know, it was totally stupid. And I don't know why I did it. He just looked so stressed out and sad I think I wanted to give him a positive story and also I've always thought that one of the hardest things about infertility must be the feeling that everyone else around you is getting pregnant without any trouble so I wanted to give him some solidarity.

Anyway. He then said that his wife was struggling a lot and would I have a coffee with her to talk about my experience and raise her spirits. He said he was sure she would love to talk to me about it all as they don't know anyone else that has gone through it. Next thing he was whipping out his phone to make sure he had my number and we went out separate ways.

So fuckity fuck what on earth do I do now to make sure this doesn't get any worse. I reckon these are my options, would greatly appreciate opinions. I don't really like any of them.

1. Come clean and tell him it was a lie I invented to cheer him up. Not that keen on this option as I will look really bad (and slightly crazy) and can't imagine it will make him feel great.

2. Go for the coffee and continue the lie. But that would be awful, no?

3. Text him and tell him that on second thoughts I'd rather not meet up because I find it difficult to talk about still. But that feels selfish.

The other thought making me shit myself is what if he mentions it to someone else we both know. Like, Oh I didn't know Mr and Mrs Namechangeohnamechange had had IVF. And they are like, Um no they didn't.

I'm in a right mess aren't I?

Hi, op. Not read all of the thread.

Could you text him & say for clarity that you were on waiting list for IVF but that daughter came naturally. And you realised that in all the kerfuffle, you don't think that you made yourself clear. I know, it's stretching what is left of the truth very thinly.

Otherwise, f__k it! Option#1

Well done for coming clean OP, I'd have found that really hard, and would have gone with a similar sort of tone of confession if it were me.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on this thread from some posters - anyone who doesn't understand blurting things out and afterwards having no idea why you did it, is some kind of robot!

I once told an acquaintance my aunt made all her own toiletries. In fact she had once, a decade or so earlier, made homemade soaps and sent them out as Christmas presents. He was telling me about how he was trying to do this "clean living" thing and it just sort of came out. He got really over-excited and asked me about it over and over again, sent me text messages saying how much he'd love it if I could get some tips from her to pass on to him, brought it up every time we met and even asked mutual fiends to press me on the matter. It went on for months.

I just have absolutely no idea why I exaggerated the truth so much. I guess I was just trying to join in the conversation and didn't foresee any consequences

I never came clean, just came over all vague until he dropped it!

Obviously not the same sort of thing, but I do sympathise; I think it's very clear there was no malice in the lie, and posters raising their eyebrows, asking you if you always tell lies and making damning statements about hoping you learn from this are twisting the knife a bit - of course you aren't going to "do it again" after putting yourself through the wringer over it like this!

You could always do option 4. Change your name and number and move far away so you never bump into them x

Sounds plausible calmandcussing, good option!

I related to and sympathised with the initial gaff. I am a kindly motormouth. I am better at managing it now at 40, but there are examples past that still make me cringe to the marrow at my utter fruitbattery.

I got annoyed when OP proposed fixing the lie with a selection of other lies. I just think it's a dick move. Save yourself and take someone else for a fool. That's not cool. I know it's common and something that people do, but if you do it to me...trust me, I know. And yes, I think less of you as a result.

I think the OP sounds like a right laugh and very nice...I am chuffed she stepped up and got a fair yet pleasant response. If I were her, I'd be happy with that.

pictish yes, me too - I certainly wasn't talking about you. I think "fixing" it with more lies was the wrong solution too, but I still think it took guts to come clean! I think in OP's position I would have sweated a lot, done nothing, and lived in fear forever and ever and ever. Much more sensible.

Pictish, you sound pretty much like me.
I could have written your post.

I've learned through life that no matter how outrageously I've fucked up, the truth is always the best option.
It takes proper guts to tell the truth when it is has the potential to come back on you but it saves having to possibly tell more and bigger lies to cover up in the long run.

I totally sympathise and understand the OP, and think she comes across as a really nice person.

I am with Pictish there and I don't think I or anyone else really bollocked op as was suggested up thread. What I said came across as forceful to counteract the rather dubious advice of taking one of the other options. I open my mouth before thinking as well. We all do. It's called being human and we should all learn to tolerate each other a little more. Some people believe me to be batty I'm sure and I say good!

Nobody agrees that the bloke should not have been sharing this with OP in the first place?

No idea. Perhaps they're both open about it? Perhaps he was betraying his wife's confidence. The fact that he wanted OP's number suggests he didn't think so...and he would know.

Again Janecc I didn't mean you. I think overall the flaming has been minimal (by AIBU's recent standards!) but there were a few "leave them the fuck alone", "total cunt", "real life troll" comments upthread.

To be fair, the "real life troll" poster later acknowledged there wasn't any malice so it wasn't the same.

Thanks Quim. Wasn't meaning ur message. But I get what ur saying. Tbh I just ignore those sorts of low and ridiculous comments. I was referring to the "everyone bollocking op".comment up thread. I any case I'm not angry was just explaining myself :)

Nobody agrees that the bloke should not have been sharing this with OP in the first place?

I don't automatically thing he was unreasonable in sharing-IVF is stressful for both people involved and he might have felt like he needed support too. Obviously if the couple had agreed to keep it private that's a different matter but we don't know what they'd said.

Option 2 would be unforgivable and impossible as you don't have the knowledge and this would become obvious fairly quickly. You risk mutual friends knowing you are a liar/thinking you are completely unhinged and either losing them completely or ruining some really good relationships for ever.

Option 3 is still risky as if he thinks you've had IVF and mentions it to other people you risk ditto above.

So by process of elimination it has to be option 1 . You need to fess up, and do it asap before it spirals out of control. The longer you leave it the worse it will be.

If this is a habit of yours maybe you need to see someone about it?

Read the thread SENPARENT.

Am I the only one who thinks his reply was pretty much horrible? I seem to be. He first expresses surprise at the stupidity of the lie, then suggests she needs help, then finishes by saying the lie was outrageous!

I think he sounds cross. The OP sounds really sweet though and if he's offended and can't see that she was just trying to be nice I think his friendship is probably no loss to her anyway.

I know he's going through a bad time, my sister had this for years and it was hell but at the same the OP was just trying to be sweet.

That was supposed to be a smile. No idea where my halo came from!

Ring him up and explain. Do it with flowers and chocolates in the form of an apology

Cmon weatherwax he was making a joke and trying to make op feel at ease.

I would go with birdintheroom. My daughter had 4 years of IVF involving many drugs and procedures. So a combo of 3 and clomid

Ring him up and explain. Do it with flowers and chocolates in the form of an apology

This is exactly what you shouldn't do!

Anyway, glad to see that he responded in a reasonable way, I still wouldn't have fessed up but at least it's done now.

Sorry see its been resolved! Juggling twins lol

I'm going to be quite blunt here and I don't mean to be hurtful but I think you have serious issues that you could actually do this. There is the white lie when someone excitedly shows you their new outfit and it is hideous but you don't want to hurt their feelings and there is the outright Walter Mitty lie which is just wrong. I personally think if you really like someone, you just don't lie to them. I am suspicious that this is not a one off which is why your husband gets cross with you getting into these messes. You seem more scared about your loss of face than their hurt and would be quite happy to lie again. If you were my friend/sister/wife, I'd be encouraging you to seek help to find out why you did this. I'd be inclined to leave it, she probably won't ring you, get help and then if you do have to come clean you can tell your 'friend' what you did, how sorry you are and that you realised that you had issues you needed to work through. Yes, you might look like a nut case but maybe you deserve to!

Thank you for sharing this lovely story and dilemma. No 3 is the wrong choice as you say. It just has to be number 1. Worst case he thinks you're mad or cruel and cuts you off. But literally everyone does these irrational things occasionally - what's the problem with saying you had a moment of total madness? Then just stay with the awkwardness don't try to make it better - he may be angry or upset or just laugh but the likelihood is you will feel a lot worse than he does about it.