Argh stupid pointless lie. I'm such a dick!

[Namechangeohnamechange]

Name changed for this because I feel like such a twat but I'm a regular I promise.

Bumped into a guy I've known for a few years today when out for a walk with the dc. Closer to an acquaintance than a friend but have always really liked him.

Anyway we were chatting and he was admiring my dc and he then told me that him and his wife were going through IVF. I don't know what on earth came over me, but next thing I knew I was pointing at DD1 and telling him that she was an IVF baby. She absolutely was not an IVF baby. In fact she was pretty much the opposite.

I know, it was totally stupid. And I don't know why I did it. He just looked so stressed out and sad I think I wanted to give him a positive story and also I've always thought that one of the hardest things about infertility must be the feeling that everyone else around you is getting pregnant without any trouble so I wanted to give him some solidarity.

Anyway. He then said that his wife was struggling a lot and would I have a coffee with her to talk about my experience and raise her spirits. He said he was sure she would love to talk to me about it all as they don't know anyone else that has gone through it. Next thing he was whipping out his phone to make sure he had my number and we went out separate ways.

So fuckity fuck what on earth do I do now to make sure this doesn't get any worse. I reckon these are my options, would greatly appreciate opinions. I don't really like any of them.

1. Come clean and tell him it was a lie I invented to cheer him up. Not that keen on this option as I will look really bad (and slightly crazy) and can't imagine it will make him feel great.

2. Go for the coffee and continue the lie. But that would be awful, no?

3. Text him and tell him that on second thoughts I'd rather not meet up because I find it difficult to talk about still. But that feels selfish.

The other thought making me shit myself is what if he mentions it to someone else we both know. Like, Oh I didn't know Mr and Mrs Namechangeohnamechange had had IVF. And they are like, Um no they didn't.

I'm in a right mess aren't I?

never speak to him again.

Upsi "And there really isn't an explanation that doesn't make the OP out to be thoughtless at best and malicious bitch at worst."

no but I can't say I'm too concerned about that! Being thoughtless is a damn sight better than if they find her out later on and think she's a crazy liar who told a lie possibly to form a friendship?

Imagine all the prospective threads on MN

1. A woman told me she had IVF, it turned out to be a lie to make me feel better. I think she's a weirdo.

2. A woman told me she had IVF, she and my wife have been friends for a while and I recently found out it was a lie and she never had IVF.

which is better?

honestly, theres nothing you can do now to make you seem not a dick, because what you did was really weird. I dont know if you usually lie about weird stuff, but maybe this is a wakeup call for you. Even if she was an IVF baby, theres no need to immediately have been through the same as someone who confides in you about something

Weirdo!

Upsil. It isn't about making the op sound or feel better it's about what's honourable and right.

Coming clean will do absolutely nothing but absolve op of some of the guilt of having been such a dipstick in the first place.

It will likely enough just make the couple feel like the butt of some bizarre joke.(because let's face it; there is no rational explanation for trying so hard to empathise with someone that you claim the same thing is happening to you, there just isn't)
Bad enough that you did it; rubbing their faces in it is just plain wrong.
Say nothing and curb your Walter Mitty like tendencies in future, op. He very probably won't even call you anyway, if he really is just an acquaintance and not a close friend.
The chances of them finding this funny and joining in the "joke" are slim to zero.

If she covers it up. She will learn. "Yes I shouldn't do it. I know I shouldn't. But oh, shit I just did. How can I best cover it up?"
If she doesn't cover it up. She will learn. "Yes I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. No I won't because I caused so much grief last time."
It's rather like an innocuous example from school today. DD (7) read and I wrote down exactly what she read in her reading record and when. Her friend didn't read at all over the holiday but her mother wrote in her reading record that she did. The child found it funny. Fundamentally what is that teaching the child? It's teaching them it's ok to lie to others to get the desired result and get one up on the teacher.

People don't like being lied to. But there is a big difference between a little lie you told for some strange reason and you come clean about, and a big lie that you perpetuate.

Most people have had foot in mouth syndrome and have said something stupid at some point. That is forgivable. Continuing the lie is not.

No matter what the outcome on this is or what you decide to do, for God's sake make this the lesson you actually learn.

The fact that you came back to this thread proposing yet more fabrications and involvement in the IVF theme, says to me you're someone who falls back on lies habitually.

It's not good OP. You're too old for that I'm sure. Grow up and keep your mouth in check.

I one blurted out at a party "oh, yes, Dan - your brother died on a ski trip didn't he" when I was being introduced to an acquaintance. WHY DID I SAY THAT??? Who knows. Totally awful. But I bet most people have said something really stupid at some point.

OP, have they contacted you?

How likely is it you will see either of them again? I mean you don't know the wife do you? (Have you ever met her even in passing?)

I'd still leave well alone.

Chances are a conversation like this was had between them
Husband: 'I saw Jane yesterday, she noticed I was looking down so I told her about our troubles and turns out she had an IVF baby. I can give you her number"
Wife: "can you please fucking stop telling random people about our fertility issues"

Sorry...I meant to say you appear to be someone who wants to be seen in a good light and falls back on lies to get out of scrapes. I lost half my train of thought when I was writing there.
I didn't mean to convey that you are a stranger to the truth, just that you need to take a more mature approach to resolving things than just coming up with a lie.

It's terrible to come clean because they're going to think WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE THAT UP?

Your choice but you are going to look like a complete arse.

Exactly Pictish and Whois. If op continues to lie she will never learn to change and will perpetuate this immature behaviour.

I think you should actually just leave things as they are now. Whoever said about him speaking to his wife and her being a bit peeved that he was discussing it with some other woman is very likely. Nothing will probably come of it. Wait and hope he doesn't get in touch.

Op you are such a weirdo, I think we could be good friends

Flogging "The chances of them finding this funny and joining in the "joke" are slim to zero."

Has anyone suggested even the whisper of a joke? If they have I've missed it.

I do see that there is a slim chance they will feel op has played an odd cruel trick but that's even more reason to deal with it now rather than wait for a call in three weeks or some such.

I would have to tell the truth if she does contact you (but text her before you meet and explain). It's just that karma has this way of biting people on the bum... and you know you are in the wrong here. Plus you can't keep up the lie - how can you possibly know all the intricate details of IVF. The woman might grill you and then what? Plus with your husband and daughter... it's just one step too far (ok, several steps too far!).

Feel for you, I get myself into pickles sometimes and it's horrible!

Tinkfromlovejoy suggested they might find it funny, up thread. There're also lots of "oh, I think we'd be friends, op, what a card you are!!" type comments which are fairly distasteful, actually.

I don't think there is one perfect solution here (aside from going back in time and not saying it)- both options have their upsides and downsides. I think lots more of you are saying the best thing to do is come clean so am going to do it now. I really liked margie's suggested wording up the thread so I am going to send that now more or less verbatim. Will be back and update if I hear back from him. Thanks again everyone for the input

Invite a friend who has done IVF and leave quickly.

This will be a mute point when this is publicised by Mumsnet and your friend realised its you! :o

I'd do what a pp suggested and say you used a fertility drug such as clomid and were too embarrassed to correct.

You wouldn't have to blag anything and it's a little less of an extreme lie - though of course it's still a lie.

I'm a people pleaser too so know how that is. I don't like anyone to feel alone.

Do you know what? Some of you are properly harsh. How lovely to have lived a life where you've never, ever said something silly. This was not malicious in the slightest. If I were the wife, I would laugh (and yes, I am speaking from a place of some experience, actually).

OP, I think you sound like a completely batshit crazy but lovely person.

I am pretty sure you wont be hearing back but good on you for coming clean.

I'd have taken the easy way - I'd have hoped they didn't message and ignored them if they did!!!

Anyone else waiting or a thread along the lines of "AIBU to think this woman who lied about having an IVF baby is a weirdo?

Glad you've done that OP.