To not order what I want to eat when a group meal out

[rookiemere]

I've been stewing on this slightly since Friday.

Went out with a group of ex work friends - about 12 of us - to a well known mid priced chain restaurant. We've been there before, but usually in smaller numbers, and it worked out well. Everyone had pizza/pasta, we shared some appetizers and split bill equally.

This time I assumed the format would be the same. Someone at my end suggested sharing some bready things - I'm not a great lover of loads of bread followed by pasta - but in these situations I always try to go with the flow, so I said sure.

All good except when the food arrived - at the other end 3 of the blokes had ordered expensive starters. Then when the main courses arrived rather than ordering the mid range meals they had the expensive meat options, oh and desserts as well.

To be fair when the bill came one of them suggested putting in more because of what they had - but it was only a couple of quid more rather than actually reflecting the cost differential in their meals. Working it out I paid a few quid more than it what it should have been even with tip and drinks included, but not hugely out of pocket.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is that actually I would have preferred having the seafood starter rather than the stodgy bread myself and would have been happy to pay the cost difference, but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation. AIBU?

This happened to me on a group meal when I'd just started a job, the difference being I was early 20's scared of making a bad impression and broke! The managing director and sales manager ordered the most expensive things in the menu, 3 courses, wine etc, I ordered 1 course of the cheapest thing, then they spilt the bill!! I was mortified!! I only had enough to cover mine. I had to borrow money quietly off an equally junior colleague. I learnt a lesson, now I order what I want and don't go out if I don't have the funds!!

This really grinds my gears.

I hate splitting the bill for this reason. Mil is a royal pita when it comes to going out for family meals. We usually go out with dh's family and there will be 15 to 20 of us kids included.

The last time we went I was on a diet and didn't eat anything as had just started and had no clue what I was doing so wanted to just feed kids and eat when I got in. Dh's family all drinking (mil especially), all ate at least 2 courses. Dh had one and ds one small meal too. End of meal comes...You've guessed it...were splitting the bill (mils idea of course). I sat and got angrier by the second as I watched her tell dh we had to chip in and split the bill equally after he suggested we pay for our own . I stood up and said no we're not paying when people were having cocktails, bottles of wine, multiple courses and we'd had 1 adult meal 1 kids meal! Mil then announces she'd pay 'our share' if we couldn't afford it . She has done this before and shes always been really put out by what she calls our 'pettiness' over the bill.

We are on one income and have two kids to support along with a mortgage. She is obviously better off than us. I feel so offended that I hate eating out with them in a group now because if we dare to offer any resistance she makes a big deal and we end up looking stingy. Because she makes us look stingy.

I usually am happy to spit the bill in a much smaller group as people tend to be more aware of what everyone is eating and then pay the bill accordingly.

I went out with colleagues a few months ago. I had a veggie meal, no starter or pudding & was driving. When it came to splitting the bill, I felt very awkward, but pointed out that some of us hadn't had starter, pudding & alcohol. Others agreed and told me to pay less. I'd do the same again. To do otherwise is to subsidise freeloaders and/or thoughtless people under the guise of bonhomie, frankly. I've put up with this over the years and won't anymore. It's fine if you're with a group of friends and you've all eaten/drunk roughly the same thing, give or take a few pounds, though. True friends will understand your budgetary constraints too!

Been there, done that. Not BU imo, however, it seems you're a bit annoyed the rest of the table didn't make them pay more, which is understandable and should of happened. Many people seem to depend on not wanting to create an issue so get away with it. I don't tolerate that anymore.

Having dined in London for over 20 years, there were a few lessons I learned and I no longer split bills, only with very close friends I trust. As some people dine like this habitually, and in London this can be almost every night, using others to pay their way at dinners, they order the most expensive and drink lots wanting to split it equally knowing full well they'll pay a fraction of what they consumed. I also had an ex friend who insisted on ordering bottles of wine when we went out for drinks, they'd then drink most of it and I'd pay half! Eventually I twigged and started insisting on buying just one cocktail as I didn't want to drink myself into oblivion every time like she did, funnily enough, after a few of these nights she stopped contacting me to go out. If you've been brought up with manners, then your inclined not to make a fuss of these things. I had enough though, I'm not going to finance other peoples food and alcohol. Other large dinners I've been to, some people left 'a little early' and left their 'share' which turned out to be far short of what they had consumed, either by accident or intent, it's not fair to be expected to pay for someone else's food/wine. A few of us that were left had to cover an extra £50 for items we definitely hadn't had and they'd forgotten to include in their amounts. I can't complain though, I've also spent many nights out where I've not paid for a thing.

But to ensure going forward I'm not disappointed by 'friends' or new acquaintances, last time I organised a get together, it was at a pub and I just said to the staff that I was going to pay for mine only and literally paid as I went. And I told everyone else to do the same, some were drinking, others weren't, some arrived late, some weren't eating. It doesn't do friendships any good to be put in a situation where because they expect to get away with not paying their way. From here on in, I now insist on just paying for what I ate, drank only with my share of the tip.

And to those who think it's about money and budgetary constraints, it may well be. That's not the issue for me. But unless you're a billionaire or millionaire, then dining out in London is expensive and the money per se is not the point. And by the way, if I had a penny for every millionaire who splits the bill at some of these dinners!! The thing is, I don't expect these people to buy my groceries, why should I be expected to pay for the food/alcohol they've consumed??

Close friends understand and we work it out naturally, if one is generous one time, then we all will be at other times. I'm a generous person, but in some instances, you have to not let others potentially take the p.

I think next time you should agree in advance how its being shared out...if its an even split then people will know they shouldnt be greedy. If you cant agree, then everyone should pay for their own plus a bit for the tip. But dont have the starter you dont like when other people are ordering expensive stuff!

If I try to arrange up front I will look stingy (perhaps I am)
No if I go again I'll have the starter I want and pay accordingly or I'll go for the tap water only and here's the money for my main course plus tip, got to dash babysitter waiting route.

No you won't let ok stingy,I bet once you do it a few more people will want to do it as well.The only people who will have a problem are the free loaders,don't mind them.

"I've already agreed to over-paying for food by eating out anyway (and Pizza is a good example; a bit flour, water and yeast, a thin layer of tomatoes and cheese, that'll be £10 please), you go for the company and not having to wash up after."

Umm... leaving out the rather fundamental role of "chef", who actually prepares that flour and water into food. That is also what you pay for!

OP I'd be pissed off too. It's not petty to be unwilling to subsidise males who earn more. They already have an unfair advantage in terms of their wage. How dare they make everyone else pay for them too?

Men don't necessarily earn more within the dining group. That's a totally different issue irrelevant to the fairness or not of paying when eating out.

Even if people earn a similar amount, they could have wildly different disposable incomes due to dependents, bills, housing costs etc. I earn a decent salary, have a small mortgage and no DCs. A man earning the same amount or more, but with DCs and a SAHP and a bigger mortgage because they bought their house more recently than I did is going to have a tiny disposable income compared to me.

People should pay for what they consumed, roughly at least, unless someone has specifically offered to treat them.

I've stopped going out with a group of women for this very reason. I just can't afford to subsidise other people's drinks and multiple courses.

I just don't get why we struggle (I do too I just don know why) why we can't say happy to split the bill but I wasn't drinking/had no starter or pud so offer fiver less/was drinking /had starter pud offer a fiver more. if you do this the drinkers bill is £10 more than the non drinker. I never have coffee and usually only one glass of wine but almost always have an 'expensive' meal so I am always happy to do an even split but would have no problem if not. I lost a very good friend because she was just too tight, always ordering/drinking more never drove or paid petrol/lunch, never had change for tip, never bought the first round etc etc. In retrospect just calling her on it early on might have saved the friendship.

Paying for what you had is always a fucking nightmare because people 'forget' about the olives or the third lemonade or the bottle of wine they shares etc!

I hate to split like that so just put in what i had plus extra to cover tip. Tbf usually when i have been for a group thing people who have had wine etc always put it more anyway and so they should.

I do do something similar though when going out for family meals in that i always choose something in the lower price bracket if i know someone else is paying and it grinds on me like f when mil and bil order steak, cheeky as

I think the only answer is never to go out in big groups unless it's a fixed meal and drinks are paid for separately.

Going out with some close friends tonight and I hope that we'll have the set meal as I'm greedy and like lots of courses but if we don't it will all be equitable, looking forward to it !

Not RTFT but as a veggie non- (or not much) drinker I'm used to paying a bit over the odds, but some groups take it to extremes. Haven't forgotten the work Christmas meal in the early 90s where the only veggie starter was melon while the meat eaters had crispyduck, the veggie main course was similarly cheapskate and a large group at the other end of my table were knocking back the wine and the multiple irish coffees and then said merrily we'll split the bill. I was so pissed off after when I calculated that I'd paid £55 for a £15 meal I never went out with that group again.

Here's how I do it.

I always bring cash in various denominations. As I order I record on my phone the cost of what my partner and I are having including drinks. At the end of the meal I wait to see if people are suggesting splitting equally and speak up if I know that the consumption hasn't been equal. Then I put in cash for my share and announce "I'll add the tip when we're all round". I wait for everyone else to put in back dong add the tip until just before the wait staff arrive.

I try not to be rude about it but I've seen too many people think other tips covers their meal and then not put in. Once to my horror a friend picked up the generous tip is added and said "we've overpaid" and pocketed it. I kick myself for not saying something so now I take steps to avoid anyone trying it!

I prefer to split the bill if I'm with female friends as it is just easier and they tend to drink similar amounts but I avoid splitting if possible if there are men in the group. They often seem to eat and drink more.