To not order what I want to eat when a group meal out

[rookiemere]

I've been stewing on this slightly since Friday.

Went out with a group of ex work friends - about 12 of us - to a well known mid priced chain restaurant. We've been there before, but usually in smaller numbers, and it worked out well. Everyone had pizza/pasta, we shared some appetizers and split bill equally.

This time I assumed the format would be the same. Someone at my end suggested sharing some bready things - I'm not a great lover of loads of bread followed by pasta - but in these situations I always try to go with the flow, so I said sure.

All good except when the food arrived - at the other end 3 of the blokes had ordered expensive starters. Then when the main courses arrived rather than ordering the mid range meals they had the expensive meat options, oh and desserts as well.

To be fair when the bill came one of them suggested putting in more because of what they had - but it was only a couple of quid more rather than actually reflecting the cost differential in their meals. Working it out I paid a few quid more than it what it should have been even with tip and drinks included, but not hugely out of pocket.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is that actually I would have preferred having the seafood starter rather than the stodgy bread myself and would have been happy to pay the cost difference, but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation. AIBU?

Er, why didn't you speak up? Like a sensible person would.

I think that's it ivykate. If they had the prawns them a pizza, or shared starter then a more expensive main then I honestly don't think I'd have been bothered.
It was the looking over and gradual realisation that they had most expensive starter , main and then the dessert.

As an interesting frame of reference DH and I went out on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday. We both had what we wanted to eat and drink. On the back of this I checked the receipt and my share was £30 less than DHs as he had an extra glass of wine and I had another starter as main course as I can't eat two large courses.
Absolutely fine as we are together and paying as such and I wouldn't have noticed unless I checked for this but it shows how there can be a big discrepancy in totals per person over seemingly minor choices. But it seems like some are happy to pay that rather than appear petty.

Crystal, I was ashamed at the job loss and felt awkward enough anyway. I generally always notice who eg skips a course, and make sure they pay less, but others may not be as observant and sensitive.

Eric, Crystal, because she knew others would just label her petty or a pain in the arse as others have said they would and that's not actually very nice. More to the point, why didn't the people she was paying for speak up as it must have been equally obvious to them that they weren't paying their share, as any decent person would?

There's one group of friends I go out with where we split the bill - we all eat similar things of similar size and drink roughly the same amount of wine etc, so it's fine.

Another group of friends, someone is always on a diet and eating a morsel of lettuce (hold the dressing) while I'll be eating a fillet steak with salad and a nice glass of red. It's just not fair so we each tot up mentally how much our own meals are and when the bill arrives, round up by a couple of pounds or so to cover the tip.

Yabu for not ordering what you wanted though and trying to be such a people pleaser. Why on earth would go out to eat and not order something you actively enjoy?

Eric, Crystal, because she knew others would just label her petty or a pain in the arse as others have said they would and that's not actually very nice. More to the point, why didn't the people she was paying for speak up as it must have been equally obvious to them that they weren't paying their share, as any decent person would?

Well quite Swirl. But just because some friends might be happy to take advantage of someone's meek personality doesn't mean you should let them!

Backbones are useful things.

Better to speak up than to be seething about it years after the event.

This is why people should pay for what they eat/ rather than splitting it. My family have a penchant for ordering vast amounts of alcohol. It doesn't seem fair to expect non drinkers to subsidise the alcohol drinkers. And I say this as a (normally) alcohol drinker who knows where the 'stop' switch is....

Group meals can always be such a pain.

I am a "small" eater. I often will order only a starter as my main meal, and never have starter/main/dessert. When out for a group meal, I will ask the server quietly to separate my order, and add a generous gratuity for the inconvenience.

Sorry you got stuck with the extra cost for others' gluttony.

I didn't order what I wanted because I assumed the meal would go the way it had in the past i.e. we all ordered food of the same roughish cost and as I've said I was perfectly happy with that arrangement and happy with the unspoken compromise over food type in order to preserve the fairness.

It's not that I dislike dough balls I just wouldn't choose to order them personally and actually the pasta dish I had for my main was exactly what I wanted.

In the same way I'd far rather have one glass of nice wine than share bottles of fairly bland stuff, but feel it would look odd to order a glass of what I wanted and it doesn't matter that much to me so I'll drink from the communal bottle.

I must admit, and I'm sure to get flamed with it, that when I figured out what was going on I thought sod it and had a coffee even though I didn't particularly want or need one - had to wait anyway for those having deseerts.

Shtoppen - that's a classy way to deal with it - I'd much rather any extra cost on my behalf went towards giving a server a bigger tip, rather than subsidising the meal of someone who already earns more than me.

Oh and I wouldn't say I'm particularly meek .

As I say I wasn't vastly out of pocket, and it wouldn't have been worth ruining the atmosphere to say " Well yes actually you should put in a bit more and actually your three courses comes to about £15 more each than everyone else's pizza, not £2 more".

I'm not going to let it rule my life. I think next time I'll just find out who's coming and either order and pay accordingly, or if I think it's going to rile me, just join them at the pub for drinks afterwards < whole new minefield>.

If you think you are being cheated by your dining companions, I suggest you are eating with the wrong people in the first place.

Yeah that's fine in theory. But it's often impossible with group meals to control exactly who "joins the party", especially in a work situation. And in my experience, you don't always get to know who the tight wads are until you're all sitting there at the end of the meal working out who pays for what.h

Me, I avoid group meals out like the plague. You go away feeling ripped off, esp. If a veggie like me, the restaurant is more often someone else's choice, and I can't sit there nicking nice scummy bits off DHs plate esp his zero calorie chocolate cake

I just can't stand the brass neck of people who deliberately fill their boots then, when it comes to paying, they are the first to shout "let's split the bill 10 ways" so other people subsidise their penchant for caviar on blini / lobster thermadore / wine with every course.

Yes I'm with you OP on that!

Have often done the same myself and gone for a cheaper option in a group.

With DH or friends and family, I order what I want.

What bugs me is the individual who collects the cash up and says oh I will put it on my card, then somehow makes a profit doing it this way. I had a friend, now ex-friend who gloated over having made 20 quid and got a free meal doing exactly this.

Yes to be fair to DH daishychain01 when I considered the price differential between our two meals on teh Saturday, he did offer me some of his significantly higher priced calorie free main course steak to supplement mine.

Oh and my pre dinner cocktail delicious was pricier than his beer.

Me and my friends only split if we have all clearly ordered similarly. If anyone has ordered more expensive things we don't split.

It's not rude to choose whatever you want just make sure you pay for it.
I'm not paying for other people meat and alcohol!

Christ, I'm never collecting the cash again if that's what I'm going to be suspected of?!

Toasty we were away with SIl and family a couple of weeks ago and only realised afterwards that we'd put in our share plus a tip, then they'd add enough to pay the bill only so our tip was going to them.

Didn't realise at the time wine was consumed and too petty to bring it up afterwards, but next time will need to remind ourselves to put in our share and give the tip directly to the waitress,although it will be embarrassing as not the full 10% of the meal IYSWIM - still it will be better than the nothing that he/she got for the last two meals.

I have a back bone, Im pretty sure people do not take advantage of me.

I still think it's damn rude to make the people who end up subsidising your meal be the ones who have to speak out to protect themselves.

Decency should mean that people should have at least a vague awareness of their own consumption and what those around them are ordering and when they know there is a significant discrepancy take steps to rectify it so someone else does not subsidise you.

There is no way on earth I could sit at a shared table consuming a meal and drinks that would cost around the say £50 mark and not notice a colleague or friend who only had about a tenders worth. The responsibility should be on me to make it fair by saying when some bright start says £30 per head "I know I had way more than that so I'm going to put in £20 extra"

Plus some people who don't drink forget how expensive soft drinks are.Sometime they are on a par price wise.
I don't think it's wrong to say at the beginning of a meal,I'm not splitting the bill and opt out.

What bugs me is the individual who collects the cash up and says oh I will put it on my card, then somehow makes a profit doing it this way. I had a friend, now ex-friend who gloated over having made 20 quid and got a free meal doing exactly this

I put group meals on ,y card all the time and have never and would never make a profit, usually people do it by not adding the tip and these are the same type of people who would pocket the tip if they took a plate with cash on up to a till

In a large group situation anything other than equal splitting of the bill can be gigantic pain in the arse, hence it's a common courtesy to simplify things by everyone trying to stay broadly equivalent in what they order. If you're the person who orders the fillet steak when everyone else is on pizza, either you're assuming that everyone else is going to subsidise your meal, it that someone else is going to have the headache of calculating the bill (and let's face it, Mr Fillet Streak is never the one offering to organise the bill, he's too busy ordering a sneaky extra drink). It's the kind of thing you do if you have no social awareness or are just plain arrogant.

Yes that's fair enough Needs. But if no one notices (or pretends not to notice) it seems like madness to me that someone who'd only consumed £8 worth of food and drink would stump up £50 that they couldn't afford.

I still think it's damn rude to make the people who end up subsidising your meal be the ones who have to speak out to protect themselves.

Better than paying money you don't owe!