To not order what I want to eat when a group meal out

[rookiemere]

I've been stewing on this slightly since Friday.

Went out with a group of ex work friends - about 12 of us - to a well known mid priced chain restaurant. We've been there before, but usually in smaller numbers, and it worked out well. Everyone had pizza/pasta, we shared some appetizers and split bill equally.

This time I assumed the format would be the same. Someone at my end suggested sharing some bready things - I'm not a great lover of loads of bread followed by pasta - but in these situations I always try to go with the flow, so I said sure.

All good except when the food arrived - at the other end 3 of the blokes had ordered expensive starters. Then when the main courses arrived rather than ordering the mid range meals they had the expensive meat options, oh and desserts as well.

To be fair when the bill came one of them suggested putting in more because of what they had - but it was only a couple of quid more rather than actually reflecting the cost differential in their meals. Working it out I paid a few quid more than it what it should have been even with tip and drinks included, but not hugely out of pocket.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is that actually I would have preferred having the seafood starter rather than the stodgy bread myself and would have been happy to pay the cost difference, but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation. AIBU?

Best to know in at the start of the meal how people want to pay and save yourself the stress. If I'm with my usual set of friends we just spilt the bill because that suits us. But if I'm out with a group of work colleagues we usually pay what we owe.

Sadly I don't think there is a perfect system.

The trouble with everyone putting in with they owe is that people forget about their soft drink ( because these are apparently free ) or as we shared a bottle of wine then they may think that they drank less of it so shouldn't split it equally etc. etc. and server ends up being stiffed on the tip.

As I say the splitting has always been fine on previous visits to this particular restaurant - perhaps because there was less of us, so it was easy to communicate what we were doing. I actually prefer the outings where there are less people because you can't really socialise with the folks at the other end of the table.

So maybe the answer is to only go out with a small number of folk. Thankfully I'm too old now for hen nights and group drinking and was much less anal in those days that I am now or probably too pissed to care if I overpaid or not.

I always think you should pay for your own food in this sort of social situation. I only ever split the bill 50/50 when I'm out with my best friend and I know if one of us pays more than the other there will be no ill feeling because it always works out, she gets coffee one day, I do the other and so on.

The only fair way is to pay for what you actually had, and then split paying the tip between all of you. This 'dividing the bill equally' crap is always going to cheat someone.

I'm with you OP. I think you had some greedy buggers along and that is what ruined the system. Splitting is fine in a group of roughly-equals, but blithely ordering the prawns and steak at the expense of the modest pizza-eaters is bad manners and thoughtless.

I just don't understand splitting bills. I'm afraid it never works out because some people eat and drink vast amounts and others don't. I eat one course and have one or two glasses of wine while friends have three courses and chug a whole bottle each.

I prefer to pay for what I've ordered because (a) I don't feel happy if other people have to subsidise my

more expensive food order and (b) I don't feel happy to subsidise other peoples' more expensive food order.

On Friday I had more expensive drinks and insisted on paying for what I'd ordered even though others just wanted to split the bill.

OP, what will you do next time? Sort out the payment plan before ordering so everyone knows what to expect and can order accordingly?

but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation.

Really, your parents taught you this as an element of 'good manners'? What is the 'rule' - when at a group meal, always look at the menu carefully, and order from the middle of the menu, regardless of whether there is anything you want to eat on that or not?

It sounds as though you are mostly being cross, not because of the money, but because not everyone has been brought up to be as self-denying as you have. You paid for a shared starter you didn't want, and it's annoying you that other friends (whose gender is not incidental - male socialisation does not usually involve 'order food you don't want, or don't order food you do because it's good manners') aren't operating according to the same implicit codes.

Thank you paradisecity I think you summarised my thoughts about the situation very well.
I think you had some greedy buggers along and that is what ruined the system

FWIW those ordering the pricey items are on high incomes whereas some of the rest of us are not so much - not particularly me, but I'd be at the lower end of the spectrum.

It just seems a little rude to me to be tucking into delicious king prawns and expect to throw in the same amount as those on the heavy, aptly named dough balls.

This 'dividing the bill equally' crap is always going to cheat someone

Don't be ridiculous! It depends on the people and situation. With some groups of people (close friends/family mainly) we split the bill, nobody is ever "cheated"! Nobody cares if someone pays a couple of euros more or less than the exact amount they consumed, its about the nice experience of having a meal together, not counting ti the last cent whether it is fair or not.
If you think you are being cheated by your dining companions, I suggest you are eating with the wrong people in the first place.

I don't think that people should have to order pizza if they don't like it just because it's cheaper though - they should all be like the nice guy and say 'oh no, I need to pay more' but that should be ok to do. It's not 'greedy' to order what you like to eat, it's just rude to let someone else pay significantly over the odds.

Frickle you're right it's an internal thing and that's why I thought it would be an interesting AIBU, that plus I have been reflecting on it a bit - not loads it's not been consuming my ever waking thoughts !

I believe as a woman I've been taught to take others into consideration, whereas some males may not have taken on those implicit values and yes I guess I do resent subsidising males who earn more than me, petty as it sounds.

But prawns instead of doughballs; YABVU!! (Doughballs are food of the gods)

If you think you are being cheated by your dining companions, I suggest you are eating with the wrong people in the first place.

I agree.

but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation.

I agree with this statement too. If you know you are going to be splitting the bill, going way off piste and ordering from the a la carte when most people are choosing from the set menu, or ordering ports etc at the end, is not good manners. [here's looking at you, dh's friend...]

I hate splitting the bill equally. I find the person who suggests it normally eats the most expensive thing. Dh and I ended up paying literally double what we owed once and I was the one deemed rude when I pointed this out.

I used to eat out regularly with a group of friends and we would all come with cash and when the bills came we'd each put roughly what we owed in the centre of the table having kept an idea in our heads when ordering. Then if there was a shortfall we'd all throw in an extra pound or if there was too much the excess would be split / given as extra tip. It worked well and no one was ever more than a couple of quid out of pocket but no awkward calculation either.

I am small with a small appetite, eat veggie and don't drink much. It annoys me when my friends eat 3 courses and one is steak, and drink loads. My bill would be £15 and theirs £40 and I end up paying £32. Most friends notice and I take up their offer to bow out of splitting, but if not I just split. Not worth the awkwardness.

Unless someone clearly takes the piss, I just go for the equal division thing. I've already agreed to over-paying for food by eating out anyway (and Pizza is a good example; a bit flour, water and yeast, a thin layer of tomatoes and cheese, that'll be £10 please), you go for the company and not having to wash up after.

I only split the bill if its fair. I don't mind paying a bit more if I've ordered something expensive.
I think you were mad for not ordering what you want.
And mad for not having the courage to say to the 2 men, that their contribution wasn't enough to cover the extra expense of the items they ordered.
Life is to short to get upset over a couple of quid.

I'm not eating with the wrong people, because when I go out with friends, everyone adds up what they've eaten and drank and pays for that. There is no awkwardness involved because it's done fairly and its how we've always done it. Paying more than you should purely to avoid falling out with people sounds far more uncomfortable.

"If you think you are being cheated by your dining companions, I suggest you are eating with the wrong people in the first place.

I agree."

Couldn't agree more.
We ate out at the weekend. Some drank, others didn't. We took account of this when splitting the bill.

Eat with other people, is my advice!!

I agree with you, OP.

I don't mind splitting the bill equally if nobody takes the piss.

However, I do continually find that a few blokes (and yes, it's nearly always blokes, shout me down for sexism if you want) ruin it by ordering tons.

I get that they're just ordering what they want, but I'm not a huge eater and don't eat much meat. I do get a bit tired of consuming a vegetarian pizza and one glass of wine, and subsidising someone who's had an entree, a steak and multiple beers.

I dont understand why you didnt just pay for what you ordered.I dont like splitting the bill cause im the one that orders steak and drinks wine.I think in these instances you just be straight and say im paying for what i eat,no bill splitting.And i bet someone else will do the same.

It's not worth bothering this much over. DHs friends were at a group meal where there was an argument a out devuliding up the bill and someone who haf been sitting there quietly not saying anything suddenly got up and glassed another friend! Just not worth it. Don't eat with people you don't trust, and eat out a lot with the ones you do, and that way people pay each other back.

YABU to order something other than what you want, what madness is that? I've never heard that rule and I bet no-one else follows it so I think you are probably the only person sat eating something other than what they actually wanted.

I think approximate bill splitting is the fairest way. It's not hard to keep a tally of what you've had or quickly look through the bill/menu and just add it up roughly plus tip. I am part of a regular monthly meal out and that's what we do and it always works out well.

Or maybe it's that there are no piss takers in our group, because that is your problem, whether it is people who've had 3 courses plus lots of alcohol that expect to split equally with the people who've had a pizza and single soft drink, or those who 'forget' to add on soft drinks, tips or bread/olives etc?

Most people won't be bothered about the odd pound or two here and there, but what is really unfair is when you get someone who has deliberately chosen one course and one drink because they are on a budget ending up splitting with someone who has had 2 or 3 times as much worth of food and drink.