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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not order what I want to eat when a group meal out

193 replies

rookiemere · 11/04/2016 11:56

I've been stewing on this slightly since Friday.

Went out with a group of ex work friends - about 12 of us - to a well known mid priced chain restaurant. We've been there before, but usually in smaller numbers, and it worked out well. Everyone had pizza/pasta, we shared some appetizers and split bill equally.

This time I assumed the format would be the same. Someone at my end suggested sharing some bready things - I'm not a great lover of loads of bread followed by pasta - but in these situations I always try to go with the flow, so I said sure.

All good except when the food arrived - at the other end 3 of the blokes had ordered expensive starters. Then when the main courses arrived rather than ordering the mid range meals they had the expensive meat options, oh and desserts as well.

To be fair when the bill came one of them suggested putting in more because of what they had - but it was only a couple of quid more rather than actually reflecting the cost differential in their meals. Working it out I paid a few quid more than it what it should have been even with tip and drinks included, but not hugely out of pocket.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is that actually I would have preferred having the seafood starter rather than the stodgy bread myself and would have been happy to pay the cost difference, but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation. AIBU?

OP posts:

NellysKnickers · 12/04/2016 13:13

Eurgh. This shit does my head in. Too many times I have paid for someone else's 3 course boozy meal while I had one course and water to drink. I am now at an age where I will pipe up right at the beginning that I will be paying for what I've eaten and will not be splitting the bill. I once went out on a friends birthday meal and had the cheapest option and water while the rest of the table had steaks and champagne. The bill was split, then some bright spark suggested we all chip in for the birthday girl too - 40 fucking quid for a than green curry and glass of water - I was much younger and worried about upsetting people then but it was a turning point for me!

BarbaraofSeville · 12/04/2016 13:20

I don't see the need to agree how payment will be made in advance. That would only matter if you were planning to order expensively but couldn't afford/hadn't brought enough money to cover your share so were hoping to be subsidised by your dining companions.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/04/2016 13:54

I eat out a lot with friends and we split the bill

Tho take non drinkers off first if one - or do that drinkers pay £5/10 more depending what they've had

A glass of wine is often cheaper then 2 cokes .....

If I wanted something I would order it

I rarely have pudding tho again happy to split the bill equally

dustarr73 · 12/04/2016 14:01

Just buy your drinks separate and pay for yourself at the end.Non drinkers seem to forget that soft drinks cost as much as alcohol.

SirChenjin · 12/04/2016 14:02

They don't dustarr - I'm a non drinker and a lime and soda costs less than a glass of prosecco, I can assure you

mrskim123 · 12/04/2016 14:03

As you have found, the trouble with going with the flow often means feeling that others can take advantage and you fret about it afterwards. Maybe if you go out again with this group insist on each paying for their own.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 14:20

Bill splitting is OK with a very small group of close friends maybe (like 2, maybe) but in a group a nightmare.
After out last informal dinner out and the bill arguments, I doubt my colleagues and I will be doing it again. Half of them were drinking bottle after bottle of wine, then expected us to split evenly! I was annoyed as I was pregnant and on tap water; not only that but I was giving 6 of the greedy fuckers a lifts there and back. The nice people insisted the non- drinkers be excluded from the bar bill, but I still ended up paying for starters and desserts, neither of which I had.

cherrybath · 12/04/2016 14:46

I have a long-standing friend who will ALWAYS order the most expensive things on the menu if she thinks we will split the bill (think king prawn tikka and curried lobster for example, when the rest of us are having chicken or lamb curry). Or she will order an extra side dish saying that we'll share it and then scoff the lot.

On the occasions when she knows that she will have to pay for what she eats she will just order something simple and inexpensive.

I think that this shows meanness of the very highest order and I agree with the first poster that it is absolutely unacceptable.

squoosh · 12/04/2016 14:49

And have you never told her that you've noticed she does this? I really don't get these 'friendships' where people feel taken advantage of but never voice it.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 12/04/2016 14:52

Like I said, a lot of you are obviously dining with the wrong people. Why do you go out for dinners with people you think are mean, take advantage, cheat you? Find some better friends for a start!

dustarr73 · 12/04/2016 15:07

Ok you might get fooled once but I'm sure if it happened a second time that's convenient he time to say some thing.These people aren't friends, they're users.

DUFFDADDY1 · 12/04/2016 16:48

If the same guys are there the next time order what you want and do not bother offering to pay extra because nobody objected spliting the bill the last time.

myusernamewastaken · 12/04/2016 16:50

If i go out for a meal with friends i like to pay for what ive had and a bit extra for a tip....what really pisses me off is when people want to buy rounds of drinks....i always decline saying i will get my own as havent got much cash on me x

OliviaStabler · 12/04/2016 18:17

I used to waitress in my school and student days. Tipping was a nice extra, not an expectation.

Your experience is different to mine then. I've never waitressed in any restaurant where tipping was not expected.

awesomeness · 12/04/2016 18:26

I always avoid meals like that, I don't really know the etiquette, I have social anxiety so things like that bother me :(

in my last job we had monthly team meals out (but that was always billed to company so we all had what we wanted) ;)

PheasantPluckerToADegree · 12/04/2016 18:37

I wait until everyone else has ordered and then see if anyone else has gone for the more expensive options... If people are having extras and expecting to split the bill then I will too, guilt free

mama0nemo · 12/04/2016 18:52

I like to pay separate. I order the least and pay the less for a reason.... I can't afford it! I like a night out as much as the next person but I have a budget and that may not be as much as someone else's and in l respect maybe more than someone else's so it saves awkward moments

OliviaStabler · 12/04/2016 18:54

But I guess from this thread's experiences, there are people out there like that. Happy to eat and drink like mad but not happy to pay their far share.

SirChenjin · 12/04/2016 19:20

In which case - too bad for them.

hookiewookie29 · 12/04/2016 19:49

I think it depends on who you are with.
We have a couple of different groups of friends who, like us, are pigs and -bordering on alcoholics- like a few drinks and we always split the bill straight down the middle no questions asked.
However, we also have other friends who don't eat their own body weight in food when they go out, and only have one or two soft drinks, so, as we are gluttons, , we always pay more.In the past, they have suggested just splitting the bill, but that's unfair and I wouldn't even consider it.

Woolyheads · 12/04/2016 20:34

If you are all friends and you are out for a meal together then they wouldn't want you to eat something you don't want and you wouldn't want to be subsidised. So order what you want and pay for it. You are out to enjoy each other's company.

wiltingfast · 12/04/2016 20:50

Personally, if you are out for a group dinner I really think you should just have what you want. That's what's at the root of discontent really. Op didn't order what she wanted. Others did and she's cross. I've been there. It's ridiculous.

People can order what they like and do. I now order what I want. Haven't been pissed off since.

dansmum · 12/04/2016 21:17

I dont think you are being unreasonable. So I now organise the meal out, say in an email the night before if 'it's order what you want and pay for what you eat and drink..not split the bill..because we all dont want to fall out !!' how can that be unfair..or mean ? Anyone who doesnt like it doesnt have to come. No one feels upset, or pressured. Everyone has a budget for a night out these days.Peoples finances are their own affairs and my friends care about each other..they would not dream of bill splitting..nor the putting the drinks money in a kitty'..this is always suggested by the heaviest drinker or the one who only drinks the most expensive drinks ! I'm not nursing a lime and soda and contributing to someone elses glass of cristal! Set the plan before you dine..and dont invite those who regularly want to play the bon vivant at your expense !

Original poster

rookiemere · 12/04/2016 21:29

Good shout dansmum.
When I've organized group outings I'll always pick somewhere with a fixed menu unless it's close friends.
For the outing in question one of our group always arranges it and I think she'd be rather put out if I took over.

OP posts:

Moxxygirl · 12/04/2016 22:02

You'll be wiser next time

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