To not order what I want to eat when a group meal out

[rookiemere]

I've been stewing on this slightly since Friday.

Went out with a group of ex work friends - about 12 of us - to a well known mid priced chain restaurant. We've been there before, but usually in smaller numbers, and it worked out well. Everyone had pizza/pasta, we shared some appetizers and split bill equally.

This time I assumed the format would be the same. Someone at my end suggested sharing some bready things - I'm not a great lover of loads of bread followed by pasta - but in these situations I always try to go with the flow, so I said sure.

All good except when the food arrived - at the other end 3 of the blokes had ordered expensive starters. Then when the main courses arrived rather than ordering the mid range meals they had the expensive meat options, oh and desserts as well.

To be fair when the bill came one of them suggested putting in more because of what they had - but it was only a couple of quid more rather than actually reflecting the cost differential in their meals. Working it out I paid a few quid more than it what it should have been even with tip and drinks included, but not hugely out of pocket.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is that actually I would have preferred having the seafood starter rather than the stodgy bread myself and would have been happy to pay the cost difference, but have always been brought up to order mid-range in a group situation. AIBU?

Some of these scenarios sound like battles with people you despise rather than cordial get togethers with friends.

Communication is key. State at the start of the meal that you'll be paying for your own food and drink and then all awkwardness is avoided.

My DD worked as a waitress recently. One night she spent the evening looking after a large table of people and they were very pleased with her service. I don't quite remember the sums but the organiser worked out how much each person should pay to cover the bill and a tip for DD. Each person paid about 40 quid each at the bar. When the final person went to pay there was about 50p left to pay of the actual bill. She put her card away and paid 50p in cash! Not only did she stiff DD out of her hard earned tip she also conned a free meal out of her friends!

Yes, yes Bubbins that's exactly it.

On previous occasions splitting has been totally fair as everyone else in the same ballpark cost wise.
As I said I'm really not bothered by small discrepancies, but yes if you know your meal is going to be ££ more expensive than everyone else then you should make an effort to pay your share and calculate the remainder per person.

I've arranged special fixed menus with restaurants when dining out to avoid all this crap in a big group.

I really think you have mixed up the way to be 'fair' about bill splitting - if you are prepared to pay extra if you've had a more expensive meal, then it's perfectly ok to order the more expensive meal - I'd only "order down" compared to what I wanted if I thought the other people in the group would be unhappy for me to put extra in or if someone else was going to pick up the bill.

That's horrible Lurleene It's bad enough making your friends pay more, but conning a waitress out of a well deserved tip is disgusting.
I hope that when we're with SIL and family they don't quite realise what they're doing with the tip. I don't think SIL does as she is otherwise a lovely person, but BIL is quite tight anyway so he may be doing it deliberately.

I went out with a group to a bring your own booze if you like Indian restaurant. Three of us took our own wine, and the other 8 bought wine from the restaurant. When the bill came the wine buyers wanted to split it equally. I spoke up to say that I wasn't happy to pay for someone else's expensive wine (would've added about 50% to my bill). There was grumbling but the other wine bringers backed me up and we paid less.

It has led to a bit of bad feeling tbh, but I would do it again in a second.

I hate splitting the bill! Some people just order the most expensive option when they wouldn't normally. I recently went on a mostly family meal with about 20 of us in a nice pub. The non family members all ordered scallops followed my steak. They were even going to order desserts knowing that a birthday cake had been made specially. When it was suggested that they should pay for their own desserts or add up individual costs they no longer wanted one

Because the 'agree beforehand' bit is awkward. That's why.

Who wants to be the person who interrupts all the pre-dinner chit-chat to announce how they're splitting the bill? Rightly or wrongly, it's just not something that feels polite.

Which is why I wish people would use their common sense about throwing in extra at the end of the night if they've consumed more.

I've never found it awkward when on a strict budget to tell my pals that I'll be asking for a separate bill. Better than sitting there silently furious at the end of the night.

Tricky as well if you're sharing a bottle/bottles of wine that someone else ordered tasted like it should have cost a fiver but suspect it was at least twice that. That's why I was a bit disappointed. On previous visits we haven't had to have awkward up front conversations because everyone ordered roughly similarly costing meals, ergo not needing discussion.

I do have a brilliant story about how a close friend of mine got totally stiffed to the tune of about £150 more per couple for the meal and drinks than they had planned, but some of the details are rather identifiable so I can't share.

Also I wasn't on a strict budget squoosh as I've said up-thread I'm fine to pay a wee bit more than anticipated, I figure maybe I've under calculated how much wine I've drunk or figure a few quid extra is worth it for a relaxed night out in company.

My issue is people ordering massively over what the average calculation of the bill works out to be and then not paying the right amount.

rookie ouch!

While not sharing it is respectable, holy shit!

I wasn't talking to you OP. I was responding to the comment before mine!

Ah ok sorry squoosh.

It's a fantastic story Shtoppen and interestingly up to that point I was a bit jealous that DH and I weren't part of that social circle - now I'm absolutely delighted !!

I don't blame you... I would have to skip an obligatory payment to front an "unexpected" cost like that.

I'm so much better off with my "boring" life.

Here the server typically asks if you want separate checks when you're eating in a group. Even if that's not typical there, it seems easy enough to say "we'll be on separate checks," at the beginning of the meal.

So this system allowed well paid men to be subsidised by poorly paid women? And only one of the men had a problem with it? Wow, it's like a microcosm of society.

Just put down what you think you paid, plus a little more for tip etc, then glare hard at anyone who demands you split the bill.

I always order what I want, with or without other people, I would follow the crowd with regards to if people were ordering starters or deserts, what I do order would be what I wanted to eat.

When it comes to splitting it, I tend to prefer to pay myself but otherwise I throw in what I actually owe plus my percentage of the tip. I usually let other work out the particulars. Haha ... My husband is very much the same, I know often the men just split the bills equally when they go out but I do think all the men order exactly what they want anyway, I don't think he pays any attention to the prices and by the sounds of it neither do his friends haha.

To be fair though most places are happy enough to split the bill up as long as the Total is paid.

Splitting the bill works fine if everyone eats/drinks a similar amount. With the disparity you described OP, I think it would have made sense for you to pay for what you had, plus tip.

Unlike the occasion when an EX-friend and I had delicious hot drinks and pikelets in Betty's Teashop in Ilkley. I placed half of the bill plus tip on the plate only for her to point out that what I had consumed came to 24 pence more than hers, and she placed the precise amount on the plate, minus a tip

Who on earth thinks splitting the bill is a good idea? Last time I went out in a large group I had a burger and salad, when the bill came I ended up paying towards everyone else's starters desserts and drinks. Never again

I so agree with this PP - what is about people who are quite happy to let others sub them?

AskingForAPal, I think it works the other way round too. Dh used to go out to lunch with colleagues at his last job, and invariably some of the women would plead poverty - being in less senior roles - and dh and others would pay for them. Dh was rather annoyed to discover that one of the women was married to a successful builder, lived in a very nice house and the dcs were in private schools. Meanwhile we were searching for 5ps in the sofa cushions to come up with the deposit for our house!

Meanwhile we were searching for 5ps in the sofa cushions to come up with the deposit for our house!

Maybe if you OH hadn't been going out for meals then you wouldn't have had too?