Brother and sister in law nasty to me

[AllHailKingRobb]

I have just joined mumsnet though I have lurked on threads I see pop up on facebook so thought this was the best place to come to get a straight answer.

This time last year i was with my ex boyfriend and had depression pretty bad, I live in a different country to my brother and sister in law but came home for a week to clear my head. Sil had had depression before and said she was always there to help, to her defense she messaged frequently and even offered to get the anti depressants I am on for me (I pay in my country quite a lot and it's cheaper in england) I refused and managed anyway. She married my brother in june and asked me to be her bridesmaid which i accepted. I split up with my boyfriend in May 2015 and they married in June 2015 so I attended alone. Everything seemed fine.

I will not lie and say during my depression i cheated on my ex boyfriend in December 2015. We split briefly for a week then got back together in April then split in may again. I then dumped him and got with the man i cheated on him with in July 2015.

My new boyfriend had a silly made up name on facebook at the time and brother started taking the mick. I was so upset, he is my new boyfriend ffs! Surely it's nicer to make him feel settled in the family? Brother said he was sorry and thought it was light hearted and apologised but i think he is just mean and nasty. After that my new boyfriend had some issues whcih led to him being in hospital and my brother kept messaging and asking how he was, how i was doing. I i ignored him. He was horrible to my boyfriend and made him feel like rubbish so I didn't want to talk to him anymore and i felt like the messages were to try and make him "good guy" and i don't buy it

In about august sil uploaded a photo about how water could be thicker than blood and her and her friend commented on the photo, she only normally uploads jokey photos or quotes she likes that dont have relevance to her but her and her friend commented below which i feel was digs at me. I thought this was so rude. I knew it was about me but she then had the nerve to message that week asking how the depression was and i ignored it. She claimed she also posted me a necklace for my birthday but i never got it. She said it was signed for my end though on her tracking service (she sent it to my ex boyfriends house, i did tell her to as I was still moving my stuff out and going back) the signature she said was not readable so she got her money refunded. I just don't believe her. That photo was clearly aimed at me.

Anyway my two newphews birthdays are in the summer. I did send something for them but i did not pay for recorded and it got lost. My brother let me know nothing was received. He said not to worry, it happens but I could tell he did not believe i had sent it.

After this i had enough! I stopped liking anything by sil and brother on facebook. He had been nasty to my new boyfriend and she was uploading nasty memes, they are honestly a nasty pair of work! I chose not to send anything to my nephews for xmas either, why on earth would i? we wasn't talking and this is where it all blew up. I hadn't replied to any messages from brother and sister in law had withdrawn from facebook posting (think she restriced me) My brother messaged me some time last year asking what was up and I told him about the meme, he says sil had been upset about not much contact with her brother (apparentely somethng boring happened like they lost their family home) and her brother had not been in much contact trying to sort it and she felt upset. I don't believe this. She never once mentioned before about losing her family home all though i know she now has and she never mentioned on facebook about her brother.... seems like a cover up and she feels bad for being childish.

It was my brothers 30th not long ago and I am pregnant with my new boyfriend and i am so happy about it. I simply messgaed on his birthday Happy birthday brother, have a lovely day and you are gong to be an uncle. He didn't reply and I was so annoyed. He is about to be an uncle and doesn't care??! I blocked him on facebook and did the same to sil. I can't be bothered with them.

Sil then messaged and i think it was nasty. She said she wants to sort it out all of us, it's silly, she said my brother didnt reply as he didn't know what to say. WHen it old him i was pregnant i had been with my new bf 7 months so he thought it was all rushed and she said he was concerned about me due to my issues with the depression and worried it was all hasty. How judgemental can you get?! Rather than just congratulate me he was just judging me on my choices! She also said she felt it was quite nasty ignoring the kids. Why would i send stuff for the kids when they have been horrible to me?! She's being nasty expecting a card for them after the way they have acted! She then had the cheek to say my eldest newphew asked about it. He is 6. why would he ask why he didn't get anything for me? Just to make me feel bad. He clearly never asked about me at all.

I ignored it anyway and told my mum and my cousin and aunt. They didn't say much but mum has said my brother is judgemental to so i think she's on my side. She has now fell out with my brother to which makes me think even more she is on my side. She called my brother a black sheep before so i know she regards me higher than him.

Anyway aibu? Why on earth would i sent gifts when they have been nasty and sil uploads things clearly aimed at me? I just want to stay out of touch now and won't ever talk to them again unless they apologize.

Why do you assume your nephew wouldn't have mentioned the fact that he didn't have a present from you? And why do you believe your SIL wouldn't be upset about losing their family home? As for saying that losing their family home was just "something boring" happening - are you really that wrapped up in yourself that that is your only reaction?

It appears that you are utterly determined to dismiss anything inconvenient to you as untrue, without any reason whatsoever. If I were your brother and SIL I would be absolutely delighted if you went no contact.

Sorry OP but you sound hard work and very childish, my sympathies are with your brother and SIL, leave them alone going forward, they probably don't need the shit you give in their lives.

my brother has always been the black sheep. my mum was a heavy drinker growing up and he was always causing stuff, getting drunk and fighting and making everyone worried. I moved to another country when i was 17 and he didnt change till he was about 23 when he met his wife, always causing drama so i think its unfair to judge my mums comment until you knew what he was like

A lot of dysfunctional parents (which your mum presumably was if she was a heavy drinker) use a "divide and conquer" technique on their kids. Looks like your mum uses the golden child / scapegoat on you two. Damaging for both of you. And explains why you are so obsessed with your mum being "on your side". When did your brother start being "the black sheep"? You say "always". When he was born? When you were born? When he was 5? When he was 10? Can you not see how wrong that is?

It looks like you dealt with your mum by moving countries at 17. Your brother dealt much less well but was still sorted by 23. My own brother (who had a ridiculously lovely middle class upbringing) had a few difficult years. Doesn't make him "the black sheep" - just means he had some difficult teenage years - as do many.

You want your family to accept your new boyfriend into their arms after a short period of time (weeks? days?) yet you exclude your 6 year old nephew because you've had a tiff with his parents?

They actually sound alright. You sound unhinged.

I think you need to get help for your depression because I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that as think that your mental health is clouding your judgement.

The things you have posted make you sound very selfish, narcissistic, lacking in empathy and childish. Your brother , who appears to have turned his life around, and SIL sound like they really are trying to help you and really care about you.

Please try to sort out your problems with depression and then revisit what has happened.

I was sure this was a reverse until I read the update. Why bother posting in aibu if you're not prepared to listen to all the people telling you that you are the unreasonable one here? So far not one person has agreed with you but still you insist that the situation is exactly the way you have decided it is. You sound like hard work.

It's none of his business that i got pregnant with my new boyfriend, he is judgemental. I only told him because i thought he would be pleased,

It's hard to gather in a message if you welcome the pregnancy or not - face to face or phone call he would be able to guess if you were happy or not - 7 months is a short time and yea you could be really happy - but then again you may not feel that way - he was trying not to put his foot in it!!

Christ you sound hard work.

I thought this was a joke thread!

Christ you sound hard work.

I thought this was a joke thread!

Conducting your relationships on Facebook is a terrible idea, as you've experienced it's lead to imagined slights, pettiness and miscommunication.

It sounds like both you and your brother are very very easily offended and sensitive and have repeatedly got the wrong end of the stick about things. Neither of you is willing to be the bigger person and extend an olive branch so it's just escalating with each of you getting more offended in turn.

You need to, at the very least, have a face to face conversation over Skype and set everything straight. Stop using Facebook to conduct your relationships because it's a terrible idea.
The fact that you seem to be punishing your nephews for their parents behaviour is frankly something a teenager would know better than to do. Is this the example you'd like to set for your own child? Be a role model, not a grumpy and offended child.

Right before i leave to clarify a few things.

Ok i was wrong for saying her losing the famil home was boring i have always rented a nd so has my family so i suppose i didnt think of what it was like. it was the house she was born in so if that was true then iwas probably nasty i jsut find it hard to believe that it was about that when she doesnt upload things much online but i will pass on to my mum that i am sorry though i dont think my mum is talking to my brother at the moment. i could send a text.

as for the sending presents i also thought it was better so then he could forget about us if we wont be in touch anymore. i do love him but his parents just make everythng hard and i think its the best we arent in touch. i wont back down on sending things for the two boys (they had another boy in 2014) but i think i will send my sorry about her house.

i will not forgive my brother, my bf was very upset and made to feel unwelcome and i am really in love with him and the happiest ive been in years.

i moved to be near my dad who lives in this country. i love my mum but my brother has put her through so much and caused upset.

Tbh, You sound like an immature drama queen, it all started with you taking offence with your brother being light hearted about as you say and I quote "your BF silly username"!

All this drama, is drama that you have created! I hope your taking steps to help with your depression and tbh I dont even care if I get slated for this because you have brought up your depression several times, In my opinion I think your highly irresponsible for bringing a baby into this world when you have clearly not dealt with your depression.

Are you for Real? If so take out what you think you know about this playground spat, and look at what you know. The FB comment about water being thicker than blood. You do realise that SIL also has blood relatives?

You sound emotionally immature, insecure and narcissistic. Not everything everyone does is about you. Your SIL could well have had the problems she said- sounds believeable to me.
I think there is little point in you doing anything but remaining NC. I don't think you or your family are capable of sustaining a healthy relationship for long and will end up NC again so you might as well just stay there now and save the hassle.
The only way anything could emerge from this is if you, your mother and your DB and SIL all grow up and stop having huffs and fall-outs- not likely to happen.

Why did you post this when you are so determined not to change?

Ah well, good luck with both your baby and I hope you get your depression sorted.

I hope in years to come you will have a better relationship with your brother and SIL. In the meantime, for their sake, yes you probably are best to stay away from them

From the sounds of it your mother didn't look like she was the best so your brother acted out. You and him are a product of her parenting and you're accustomed to him being the scapegoat. It will never take much for him to 'offend' you.

He needs to cut off contact with all of you so you're doing him a favour. You and your mother sound unpleasent. Just leave them alone.

All you have done is clarify with your last post that you are a childish drama queen. Apologise via your mum? You have clarified with that statement alone that that you have no idea of being a grown up.

He made your new bf feel unwelcome? Is your bf 12 too? You can't forgive your brother for that?

I agree with a PP - you have serious issues and bringing a baby into the world is irresponsible

Sorry OP - i also think this sounds a bit childish

"my brother kept messaging and asking how he was, how i was doing."

oh hang on, just seen this litte snippet " (apparentely somethng boring happened like they lost their family home)"

you're a total child and need to grow up

You have no empathy. You don't have to have owned a house to know losing a childhood home must be hard.

You don't have to have children, to know a child would be upset at being ignored by his aunt.

If your boyfriend has a joke name on FB and doesn't like people laughing at it. He needs to get a fucking grip. Grow a thicker skin, or not have a joke name on Facebook.

Why are you blaming your brother for wanting to move away from your alcoholic mother? That's her fault. She made you the golden child and him the scape goat. And you are carrying it on. It's emotional abuse that your mother started and you are carrying on.

I hope they don't contact you again, for their sakes.

It appears you take everything as a personal slight, this isn't healthy OP.
It doesn't matter what any of us say as you've already decided you're right, but you really aren't & you seriously need to grow the fuck up-you're about to have a child of your own so stop behaving like one yourself.
Please do remain NC, for the sake of your DB & SIL.

It sounds totally ridiculous and like you are all 12 years old. Made worse by the fact your mum has favourites

i will hold my hands up, i was a insensitive about what happened to sil and i realise that, i can see from the replies here i was at least wrong in that its an issue i wont ever understand as i say we have always rented even growing up. i take that on board.

i have come off the antidepressants beacuse im pregnant and im now settled with new boyfriend and have friends and my dad here so im ok. i will take on board your replies and think about this all. i can see some of my replies look a bit one sided and i know that it seems unfair. i will have a good think about this at work today

Your nephews are still your nephews, they have nothing to do with what their parents do/say. All they know is that their Aunty has decided that because she has fallen out with their parents she now can't be bothered to love them! I hav e3 nephews I dote on. Haven't seen my BIL in two years, he's an ass but I still send birthday and Xmas cards and presents because I love the boys!

You sound incredibly childish and dare I say selfish. I feel sorry for your nephews

OP, you seem determined to treat every interaction with your B and SIL as a dig at you. You sound really quite paranoid.

You even seem offended by your SIL not telling you full details of matters affecting her family. Why should she tell you everything? You are not close to her, you are dismissive of her feelings ("boring" being a case in point) and you come across as rather self-centred.

As to not forgiving your brother for making jokes about your boyfriend's "silly" Facebook name, this happened (presumably) months ago and your brother has apologised. You seem determined to cut your brother off, so I guess that is what you should do. I imagine it will be easier on everyone than this paranoid drama. But I can tell you I would forgive my brother for most things in a heartbeat because I love him and when you care for people and they are family you cut them some slack.