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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
bpirockin · 10/04/2016 12:57

I know a lot of people have a 'thing' about this, but the fact is that it is legal in this country. I can understand people who know each other so well, falling for each other later on, and I hope that if it were me (I have no cousins) I'd be happy that they found someone to share their life with. In truth though, I guess I might think it preferable that they didn't have children. They will get a lot of grief about it I'm sure, so presumably the feeling is strong and the relationship worth fighting for.

DiscordiaVanDiemen · 10/04/2016 13:07

I don't find dating/marrying first cousins in any way odd or unusual.

headinhands · 10/04/2016 13:30

No good will come of you not supporting them whatever that means. But it will cause bad feelings. If your ultimate interest is in people being happy and not hurt you need to set aside your personal reservations.

2016IsANewYearforMe · 10/04/2016 13:33

In a lot of Western societies calling someone "inbred" is a strong insult. I am surprised by how many posters on a British website are very casual about first cousins in a romantic, sexual relationship.

arandomname · 10/04/2016 13:38

YABU. I don't see the problem.

Are they treating each other well? Are the DC happy? That's all that matters.

Very small minded to not approve of it IMO. What exactly is the problem?

pollmeister · 10/04/2016 14:48

I would find it a bit weird - but having said that, my partner's father and stepmother are 1st cousins - but they don't have children from their marriage together. As said above, it's not illegal but I don't think it's encouraged?

Marynary · 10/04/2016 14:54

YABU. The risk of birth defects only really increases if this keeps happening as it does in some cultures i.e. if their descendents (first cousins) marry each other too
Two cousins in my extended family are married and it has never been seen as an issue.

MitzyLeFrouf · 10/04/2016 14:55

I think it's weird in this case as they were close as kids and used to go on family holidays together.

MrsNormanReedus · 10/04/2016 14:59

I'm a lurker and rarely post but this topic is very close to home. My uncle and his cousin were very close as teens in tgh 60s and 70s but his mum, my grandmother, forbade the relationship. Cue 3 unhappy failed marriages between them. They finally got together about 10 years ago. If it wasn't for the attitude of people like you and others on this thread much unhappiness for them, their former spouses and children could have been avoided. (And all 4 of the children they had from previous marriages accepted their relationship from the start)

Marynary · 10/04/2016 15:04

Cousin marriages used to be very common when the population was smaller and people were less traveled. e.g. Einsteen and Charles Darwin married their first cousins. Viewing cousin marriage as incest is a relatively modern view in Western cultures.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 15:12

FlowersandShit

You may have been "desensitised" to homosexuality. Some of us never had any problems with it. Nor did our parents. Or even grandparents.

Although you do sound as though you are still quite "sensitive" to it. Other people's lives are not potential allergens, you know.

StrawberrytallCake · 10/04/2016 15:12

In my mind it is incest, I would not accept my children having a relationship with my dsis children as normal. They look so much alike because they have the same genetics which surely is classed as closely related = incest (even if not written in law Hmm).

I also think there isn't just one person for everyone - that's just bullshit. So it is quite selfish to have a sexual relationship with a cousin for every single family member.

So YANBU IMO.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 15:16

They don't have the same genetics, Strawberry. Only identical twins have exactly the same pair of genes - and even then, differences start to appear very early on (it's called epigenetics - the influence of the environment on your genetics).

Having a sexual relationship is selfish because it might upset your family? Let's get things straight: your life is YOUR life. Not your family's. It's not selfish to want to be happy.

StrawberrytallCake · 10/04/2016 15:26

Sorry. Should have read some of the same genetics - around 12.5%.

And yes I think it's selfish if you have children and it affects their lives and the one set of grandparents the children may or may not have in their lives. Your life is your life is generally what sociopaths think, surely it's only right to consider others when making big decisions like to have children with your mum's sister's son/daughter?

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 15:40

Some parents are distraught if their children marry people outside their religion or race or people of their own sex. Or if their daughters want to work rather than be housewives. Or if their chidren do not accept polygamy. Are you supposed to sacrifice your life on the altar of your family's beliefs?

A sociopath thinks of people as basically things which he/she can manipulate for his/her own benefit. The situation is completely different here. Most people don't want to hurt their families, of course. But if not hurting your families means sacrificing your happiness, then no, you come first, obviously. You aren't killing or harming anyone, for God's sake.

StrawberrytallCake · 10/04/2016 15:42

If your child has a genetic disorder because you are selfish enough to procreate with your cousin you are harming someone.

mudandmayhem01 · 10/04/2016 15:47

Strawberry would you say the same to a woman over 38, I suspect not ( the risk is very similar)

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 15:49

Genetic disorders appear when cousins have children on a systematic basis (when families tend to inter-marry all the time). The risk is very low if it's just a one-off.

StrawberrytallCake · 10/04/2016 15:56

I would say that's a different situation - marrying your cousin is entirely avoidable whereas not having the option to have a child until later in life is often unavoidable.

I know you think it's normal and it doesn't matter that it may affect so many people - I don't. I think it's incest and I think it could potentially break a family apart and increase the possibility of lifelong problems or infant death. All of this through the choice of two people, we choose who we marry it isn't some voodoo rubbish where out souls are intertwined, breaking up families and creating disabled children is avoidable. Therefore I would disagree with the life choices of my brother/sister/children if they decided to do this, sorry I know it's not what you want to hear but I don't think debating it will change either of our minds!!

MadameDePompom · 10/04/2016 15:57

They're grown adults in a relationship that isn't breaking any laws. You have to decided whether your repulsion at their relationship is greater than your wish to maintain an ongoing relationship with your brother.

To be honest I do find the idea of first cousins in a sexual relationship to be pretty stomach churning. That's why I'll never shag one of my cousins! Other people can choose to do as they please.

ScaredOffMyBoss · 10/04/2016 15:59

YANBU to feel how you do but with all due respect its none of your business. From how you describe him your brother sounds like he has terrible judgment when it comes to relationships anyway. If he wants to rush into things and make poor decisions (not 100% sure this one will turn out to be but it's going to be bloody hard to make it work) then there isnt much you can do.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 16:04

You're free to feel whatever you want, of course. But the scientific fact is that one-off reproduction among cousins does not pose a significant risk. And in many countries - including Western countries - marriage between cousins raises no eyebrows. It's a purely cultural thing.

As I say, you are perfectly free to feel in any way you see fit. But it's not incest, it's not a danger, and it's not a universal taboo (in the way that having sex with a parent or sibling is).

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/04/2016 16:06

DHs parents are first cousins, he's turned out alright .... I think!

I don't find it odd, couldn't care less, but he would rather people didn't know.

Marynary · 10/04/2016 16:08

*Genetic disorders appear when cousins have children on a systematic basis (when families tend to inter-marry all the time). The risk is very low if it's just a one-off.8

I don't think that people are listening to that point. They want to believe that the children of cousins have a high risk of being disabled because it gives them an excuse to be prejudiced against a relationship that is legal and between two consenting adults.

StrawberrytallCake · 10/04/2016 16:10

No it's not equivalent to parent/child/sibling relationships which is illegal and a bit more than a taboo.

I do believe it is a taboo in this country however and that it is incest according to the definition of incest.