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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 16:13

The definition of incest in the OED:

incest
n noun sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other.

Cousins can legally marry. Ergo, it is not incest.

StrawberrytallCake · 10/04/2016 16:17

Hmm well the definition doesn't mention legality, does it?

In my opinion sharing 12.5% of the same genes makes two people closely related.

I can see how that comes down to interpretation though, which is why we're debating.

dementedma · 10/04/2016 16:19

My friend married her cousin. They were close as kids and I suppose it just carried on. They have a daughter and all is well.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 16:23

Strawberry, the mention of marriage entails legality in itself, because marriage is a legal contract where the parties must meet certain conditions. Either you are (legally) allowed to marry or you are not. In Britain, gay people can marry whether other people like it or not. Likewise, cousins CAN marry, whether you like it or not. It's not a matter of interpretation. It's the law.

Because cousins are not classed as being too close to marry. Because it's not incest.

Look, you don't have to like it. But cousins marrying is not incest, however you look at it.

Marynary · 10/04/2016 16:29

In my opinion sharing 12.5% of the same genes makes two people closely related.

They might share a lot less than 12.5%. Regardless, I don't think that whether or something is "incest" is a matter of individual opinion. It is based on legal or cultural attitudes.

Janeymoo50 · 10/04/2016 16:33

Incest it is most certainly not. Live and let live I say although having said that I know a couple (cousins) with two very, very disabled children and is has been directly linked to their family connection. I think I also read somewhere that within certain Asian families (where marrying cousins is more common I think??), there is also a scarily high record of babies being born with disabilities etc.
The thing is, you can't help who you love sometimes.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/04/2016 16:34

I can see how that comes down to interpretation though, which is why we're debating

Well, it doesn't come down to interpretation. It's legal. There's no opinion on it. You can have an opinion on whether or not it should be legal but the facts are what they are.

mudandmayhem01 · 10/04/2016 16:49

What would happen if married cousins travelled to or immigrated to the USA? ( in most states cousin marriage is illegal.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 16:59

mudandmayhem Gay marriage is illegal in many parts of the world. Actually, being gay can get you (legally) killed in many parts of the world.

I really don't think the possibility of emigrating to the US would be a consideration. Not everyone wants to live in the US, you see.

allegretto · 10/04/2016 17:02

I think that the only harm that could come of it is that it could split your family up if people disapproved - and that would be a shame. It might not work out for them anyway so I would be wary or causing a rift over something which 1) might not last longterm 2) is not incest and 3) is legal.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 10/04/2016 17:02

Yabu

My parents are first cousins and have been very happily married for 40 years. Yes, my grandmothers were sisters - how cool is that? It makes for a close family relationship.

My sister and I are fine, in fact we are both tall, slim, good-looking with beautiful hair - we have good degrees, good jobs and above average IQ Grin Interesting to see that some people would call us yucky or inbred Hmm

Sorry OP, you are the one with the issues!

mudandmayhem01 · 10/04/2016 17:10

I just find it interesting how laws vary( especially between western democracies) in an increasingly global world- age of consent, gay marriage, cousin marriage. Just wondering aloud rather than taking a pro or anti stance.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 17:14

Actually, anal sex was forbidden in many US states until 2003:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodomy_laws_in_the_United_States

mudandmayhem01 · 10/04/2016 17:20

Interesting distance, I can just imagine which people that law was used to persecute.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 17:28

Yes, well, the thing is that it was also forbidden within marriage! So technically the police could break into your home and take you away if you were doing the deed... erm, in the wrong way.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 17:28

Yeah, it's legal, but it's gross.

arandomname · 10/04/2016 17:33

"it's legal, but it's gross."

Yup, some very small minded attitudes here!

UmbongoUnchained · 10/04/2016 17:34

It's really not small minded to be repulsed by the thought of shagging a member of your own family.

itsalldyingout · 10/04/2016 17:40

My aunt was sent to America as a young teen pre-war. She was seeing her cousin at the time and the family did not approve.

The cousin followed after serving during the war, they married and had 5 healthy kids who have all had healthy kids themselves.

Do we really know who we're marrying/involved with? There were, and I suppose still are, but not to such a large extent these days, an awful lot of children born with fathers not really theirs IYSWIM.

Rife when my mum was young, and there'd always be gossip, sometimes with families intervening in some way, even though the young people in the relationship had no idea why there was opposition.

In the news this week, the Archbishop of Canterbury is an example. What if he wanted to marry his unknown-to-him half-sister?

I haven't read the all the comments, but the one about the study in Bradford is a bit extreme. I'm no expert, but don't a lot of cousins marry in different cultures? There's bound to be problems down the line when there's a lot of cousins marrying cousins through generations.

One set marrying shouldn't cause genetic problems, even if the kissing cousins thing seems a bit yuck to some. I didn't find out about my aunt and uncle until I was in my thirties and had no problem with it. I've never seen a more loving couple that lasted until their deaths in their eighties. My cousins are all happy except one who was very judgemental when she found out (in her forties when she came "home" for a visit). Bit late to start screaming genetic defects after that age, when she's had her family, but there you go.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/04/2016 17:51

I think I'd be mortified if my parents were cousins...

But it's all perspective, isn't it?

If I'd been raised with it, it would be completely normal.

Janey50 · 10/04/2016 17:59

What BrandNewAndImproved said. It is perfectly legal but I can completely understand why you balk at it.

JustEat314 · 10/04/2016 20:13

Nice but a bit asexual

MamaLazarou · 10/04/2016 20:17

My sister is married to our cousin and they have a beautiful daughter together. No-one gives the kids a hard time (she has children from a previous marriage). They have a good relationship and are happy together. You'll get used to the idea eventually, OP. The sooner you learn to accept it and get over it, the better for everyone. Your objecting is not going to break them up.

MamaLazarou · 10/04/2016 20:21

It's really not small minded to be repulsed by the thought of shagging a member of your own family

No-one is asking you to shag a member of your family (unless I am mistaken).

Waltermittythesequel · 10/04/2016 20:21

A cousin is a member of your family.

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