Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
spankhurst · 09/04/2016 19:40

YANBU, but if they love each other, there isn't much you can do.

I knew someone who married their cousin; she swore me to secrecy, and they were estranged from their family.

Orda1 · 09/04/2016 20:36

How can anyone say this is fine? So so weird.

DistanceCall · 09/04/2016 20:45

People used to find (and many still find) homosexuality to be "icky" and "weird" and "disgusting" for no good reason other than their own prejudices. (And in biological terms, you could also argue that homosexuality damages the species because it removes people from the gene pool or something like that).

And no, sleeping with a cousin (the child of one of your parent's siblings) is not remotely similar to sleeping with your parent or sibling. Either in biological or in cultural terms.

lljkk · 09/04/2016 20:45

that's funny, Orda, I'm the other way around: how can anyone say it's Not Fine! Oh well, Good thing it's a big world with room for all sorts.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 09/04/2016 20:50

It's legal. But bearing in mind you said you spent holidays together - yes I would be weirded out by it.

squoosh · 09/04/2016 21:13

And in biological terms, you could also argue that homosexuality damages the species because it removes people from the gene pool or something like that

No. You couldn't.

I'd be repulsed too OP, but what can you do i suppose. Their lives, their choice.

DistanceCall · 09/04/2016 21:21

I'm obviously not saying it, squoosh. But ridiculous "evolutionary" arguments worrying about the "good of the species" and similar stupidities were used constantly to ban and punish homosexuality for many years. In the same way as black people were said to be "animal-like", and so on.

Likewise, there is no "scientific" reason to reject marriage between cousins other than not to recommend it on a systematic basis.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 09/04/2016 21:30

GSA, genetic sexual attraction usually occurs when those you are related to are not present during formative years,
I find this very disturbing on many levels.
My cousins, are good looking ,but they are my family, and I would be repulsed by the idea that we could become sexually involved.
Historically cousin marriage was to do with money and status.
A friend of mine ( Pakistani) was forced to marry her cousin. They had 2 healthy children before divorcing,
She said that neither of them were ever attracted to each other and felt obliged to procreate.
She's now happy that her ex is married to someone he loves and hopes she will meet a man who loves her .
Another friend is in denial; she has 5 kids who all have physical and learning disabilities and has been told by doctors this is due to cousin marriage. Although she doesn't even like her husband ( not legally married as she was 14 when " married") She feels obliged to remain in partnership with him as it is her families wishes,
I could write a book .

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/04/2016 21:43

I know this is not exactly the same thing but it's same horse different colour though. I suppose. It's amazing how many couples you see who look like brother and sister. I remember a couple on the school run you'd take them for twins.
Same hair colour
Same hair style
Same dress sense
Same eye color, nose ect.

Gabilan · 09/04/2016 22:50

You wouldn't breed your dog with it's first cousin would you?

Actually an awful lot of breeders do just that. It's one of the reasons there was such a fuss a few years back and the BBC stopped showing Crufts. Many dog breeds are excessively inter-related. Labradors I think are genetically as closely related to each other as cousins anyway. It's done specifically to create a breed consisting of individuals who look very alike. Done for a generation it's not too bad. Done repeatedly it's damaging.

wannadancethenightaway · 09/04/2016 23:24

Hmm very strange. Just because it's legal doesn't necessarily make it right. Sorry but in with OP, YANBU

Waltermittythesequel · 09/04/2016 23:40

It depends I suppose on the closeness of the relationship.

For me it's stomach churning.

There are literally billions of people in the world. Nobody needs to be shagging their cousin, do they?

corythatwas · 10/04/2016 01:09

The history of cousin marriage in the West is interesting. It was allowed in the Early Christian church, but in the Middle Ages, they gradually got fussier and fussier and ended up prohibiting marriage between sixth cousins. This was clearly about religion rather than genetics as the same laws of consanguineity also prohibited marriage between people who were godparents to the same child. On the other hand, the Pope could grant dispensations and often did so for rich and powerful people.

When the Reformation came in, cousin marriage was allowed (at least in England, not sure about everywhere else).

It was not massively common (3.5-4.5 % in the Victorian age according to Wikipedia), but dipped to under 1 % in the 20th century. As Wikipedia points out, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert were first cousins: the Victorians do not seem to have been overwhelmed by the yuk factor.

corythatwas · 10/04/2016 01:10

Actually, if you think about it, 3.5-4.5 % isn't all that uncommon: it means you had a fair chance of knowing at least one couple who were cousins.

madein1995 · 10/04/2016 01:43

To me its wrong. If people want to then up to them but personally don't think it should be allowed. I wouldn't be supportive in your shoes OP . I think it's disgusting and wrong . I don't think homosexuality can be classed as the same . For one, homosexuals are attracted to the same sex/gender, it isn't remotely the same as cousins shagging. Cousins in a relationship is totally wrong in my book.

MitzyLeFrouf · 10/04/2016 01:51

Interesting stats cory. I suppose for the Victorians marrying outside of their social class was far more unthinkable than marrying outside of their wider family.

oliviaclottedcream · 10/04/2016 09:12

YANBU. I'd be feeling very weird indeed about this. Where are you located BTW -- Louisiana?

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 10/04/2016 09:34

Maybe they didn't feel as close as children as you did to her - as female cousins of a similar it's likely you spent more time together and did more 'bonding' activites with her.

This is something I really can't upset about and am surprised that the majority here are so against it.

Two people you love have found love together after previous relationships failed - my first reaction would be to be glad for them.

lljkk · 10/04/2016 10:04

Albert Einstein, Queen Vic, Charles Darwin -- married 1st cousins. Not so unusual, really.

Mouseinahole · 10/04/2016 10:08

Are there any genetic disorders in your family? If not then I'd let it be and hope they'd be happy. My dd dated my cousin's son for a while. No one minded.

FlowersAndShit · 10/04/2016 10:09

People used to find (and many still find) homosexuality to be "icky" and "weird" and "disgusting" for no good reason other than their own prejudices.

Because it has been normalised and we've become desensitised to it.

Jaxsmummy2014 · 10/04/2016 10:20

It is legal. And it's only in the last 150 - 200 years that it has become unacceptable for cousins to marry. Siblings would actually plan for their children to marry 200 years ago. Besides if they aren't interested in having children together then it's really a none issue. I would just support them as it has zero impact on you or anyone else so it's not your right to judge... People in glass houses and all that!

firesidechat · 10/04/2016 10:46

My maternal great grandparents were first cousins and I can't see the problem really. I also quite fancied one of my cousins when I was a teenager. Obviously I'm not finding this icky or weird.

A one off incidence of first cousins marrying and having children is unlikely to cause genetic issues. I somehow doubt it's going to become a family trend.

YouSayWhaaat · 10/04/2016 11:01

Weird but no-one else's business but theirs.

There are some funny people on here.

'Just because is it is not defined as incest does not mean it is not incest!'

What's the point of defining anything then?

Just bea

YouSayWhaaat · 10/04/2016 11:04

Weird but no-one else's business but theirs.

There are some funny people on here.

'Just because is it is not defined as incest does not mean it is not incest!'

What's the point of defining anything then?

'Just because an orange is not 'defined' as an apple, does not mean it is not an apple if I personally think it is!'

Such bollocks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread