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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
kyph09 · 10/04/2016 21:08

If your parent and your cousin's parent are identical twins (who therefore are genetically identical), you and your cousin would be as similar genetically as half siblings. If 2 sets of identical twins marry then the cousins are as similar as full siblings. And this is still legal??? ConfusedShock

cdtaylornats · 10/04/2016 21:14

The only real objection is it screws up family tree software

MamaLazarou · 10/04/2016 21:17

And at the wedding when you have to decide which side of the church to sit on Grin

Andrewofgg · 10/04/2016 21:22

kyph09 Yes, because when the table of prohibited degrees was written nobody understood the detailed genetics of it, especially as regards identical twins.

In some countries and some American states first-cousin marriage is illegal. In the USA cousins can cheat that by going to another state where it is legal.

MamaLazarou · 10/04/2016 21:25

According to an article on GSA I read recently, in New Jersey it is legal for a father-and-daughter or mother-and-son to live together as husband and wife . Now THAT is wrong.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/04/2016 21:39

My children are adopted and the idea that they would get together when older because it's not illegal makes be sick

Assuming you are the adoptive mother then legally they are brother and sister so it's a prohibited relationship

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 10/04/2016 21:55

Kyph09: luckily my sister and cousin did not marry (even if they could). It is just odd to sleep with the son of your father's identical twin. Bleurgh.

Presumably the (foolish) law would be fine if two cousins whose mothers and fathers both happened to be identical twins decided to get married. Genetically, it'd be like marrying your brother, but it's legal so it must be OK, right?

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 10/04/2016 21:56

Mama: Shock that can't actually be true. Can it? I'm not sure I want to google.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 10/04/2016 22:02

I googled. The mail may have outdone itself with this horror of a story from last year. The mail must have been so upset they could have sad faces to accompany it.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2016 22:12

Orda The majority of human beings are not in Britain.

mynamesnotMa · 10/04/2016 22:22

I'm not sure why you are bothered.

Its their business. Good for them if they are happy.

Orda1 · 11/04/2016 00:19

So? The majority of mnetters are and they are the ones discussing.

Aridane · 11/04/2016 00:21

Wow - I had no idea peopl felt so srongly about this or felt it 'icky' or worse.

I had always assumed cousin marriage was quite normal - perhaps les common than it used to be, but sort of on a part with marrying the boy next door or your first love met at school. (I had even - mistakenly - thought that 'kissing cousins' = cousins who kissed and went out with each other Blush)

Disclaimer: I have not married to my cousin

mammmamia · 11/04/2016 00:40

It is not all Asians that marry their cousins. It's perfectly acceptable in some Muslim communities and even encouraged. Hindus absolutely forbid it. In many Hindu communities your cousins are treated as your siblings and it's the ultimate sin to marry them.
It's the eww factor for me I'm afraid, how can you sleep with someone who has the same grandparents as you?

OptimisticSix · 11/04/2016 00:45

My grandparents are cousin's and having traced our family tree back a few hundred years it appears to have happened a few times. That said, much as I don't think anything of it with Nan and grandad, bearing in mind the number of times it has happened in the past I wouldn't like to see it happen again :D Still I would accept it if it were my brother and cousin because it's pointless not to, they're going to do it anyway and you will just lose them if you don't accept it.

areyoubeingserviced · 11/04/2016 01:10

I think the whole thing is gross.
If this means that I am small minded, then so be it.

JaneJeffer · 11/04/2016 01:16

Haven't read all the thread but I wonder would the people who have no problem with it be happy for their child to marry their brother's or sister's child? I certainly wouldn't!

FelicityR313 · 11/04/2016 01:20

I am an acquaintance of an Irish traveller. If first cousins wish to marry, they need to seek and receive the approval of the Pope of the Catholic church. They can and do frequently marry second cousins however. First cousin marriage would be very rare.
They (all Irish travellers) are offered a particular test when baby is born to test for a particularly prevalent disease among the travelling community (as a result of inbreeding). Can't remember what the disease/condition is, but they can also opt out of the test. Some do if they feel that they are far enough distant.

FelicityR313 · 11/04/2016 01:22

This is the one their babies are tested for (if they want).

hse.ie/eng/health/child/newbornscreening/newbornbloodspotscreening/Information_for_Professionals/Conditions/Gal/

FelicityR313 · 11/04/2016 01:30

OptimisticSix - you would be best advised to breed outside of the gene pool. Particularly with generations of cousin marriages. It's just that breeding inside a genepool heightens the risk of two genes being present which would support particular conditions.
I often wonder whether that is why the aristocracy marry outside the genepool these days? (Katherine and Diana namely)

Iflyaway · 11/04/2016 01:46

There,s a reason why family members should not marry each other...

I have it n my family no problem apparently tho they went to Australia to get away...(1950,s). 5 kids, all o.k who knows what they sweep under the carpet--

Neighbours... Know a couple, cousins, child heavily whatever... (he will never be independent)

Iflyaway · 11/04/2016 01:53

It,s true that the more diverse genetics, the better.

there's a reason our mixed kids get the best of both!

FelicityR313 · 11/04/2016 02:00

You could of course have the royal family of China/bulgaria/Spain/Britain etc interbreed and they would be well outside the gene pool. I think perhaps they have laxed the laws on royal blood.

RaqsMax · 11/04/2016 03:48

I can appreciate that this has been a surprise/shock to you and your sister. However uncomfortable it makes you both feel, their relationship is NOT incest and is completely legal. As they both already have 2 children each, is it likely that they would want more children together? If they do, they could get genetic testing done beforehand to minimise any risks. It is their decision to make.

Presumably, you love your brother and would want to see him happy with a new partner after going through a divorce? Ditto for your cousin. Think of the positives. You will not have to go through all the awkward stage of getting to know and like a new girlfriend, because well.....she already knows and loves your family. Similarly, their children will not have to go through the sometimes traumatic process of seeing their parent with a new, unfamiliar partner. It will be someone that they already know and love.

I have a good friend who is in exactly your situation. In his mid-40's he suddenly developed feelings for his cousin and they were reciprocated. She had 3 young teenage kids from a previous marriage, and he has a 11 year old son. He knew and loved her kids already and vice versa. They have been living together extremely happily for the last 2 years and her kids think it's wonderful that he has moved in (they call him 'Uncle)'. Like you, his family were a little shocked at first (more because it was unexpected, rather than because they thought it wrong). 2 years down the line, everyone is used to their relationship and well.....they were all family to begin with, so it has been very easy for everyone to get along.

You need to be careful that you and your sister do not encourage each other into taking any rash action that you might later regret such as cutting your bother/cousin off and causing a family rift that may be hard to mend. Are you more bothered by the fact that your brother did not tell you about it for 3 months and then chose to announce it on Facebook? It sounds like he expected opposition and is on the defensive.

Your objections seem to be worries about 'what will other people say'. In my experience, 'other people' will take their cue from you. If they ask you about it and you cheerfully answer that you were a bit surprised at the news, but could not be more delighted that 2 people you already love are now together, it will nip any possible cattiness in the bud. Why do you assume your mother is 'in denial' because she does not agree with you and is accepting of their relationship? Perhaps she can see that her son and niece are actually very well suited!

You can be honest with your brother and say that you were a little shocked at the news, partly because he has initially kept it secret; and that you also wish he had spoken to you about it before announcing it on Facebook. Be loving sisters/cousins and wish them both well, even if you have reservations. It is not worth disrupting both sides of your family over this.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/04/2016 08:23

Op I totally understand your feelings. For close cousins their relationship can be similar to siblings and the thought of my ds having a sexual relationship with my niece makes me feel very uncomfortable. However, it is legal, it is their business and I suspect you're just going to have to try to get over it in some way (even if your private feelings remain the same, publicly I don't think you should display them).