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Original poster

In saying a week of compassionate leave for losing a parent is unfair?

201 replies

Helenwiththebigmelons · 08/04/2016 19:03

Yes yes, life is unfair - but really, a week away from work because a parent has died? Is that all that can be granted?

I work for a logistics company as a Financial Admin, and I was told today by a colleague that this is all you get granted whilst on the topic of compassionate leave etc.

Isn't this shocking? In my last work place, my boss insisted on another colleague taking 3 weeks of fully paid leave to come to terms with things - he didn't even mention funeral arrangements.

What is your workplace policy like for compassionate leave? Perhaps I'm oblivious to some harsh realities.

OP posts:
BillBrysonsBeard · 08/04/2016 22:52

It sounds generous compared to places I've worked (3 days) however it is still nowhere near enough. I'm so glad I was a SAHM when my dad died as I didn't want to face normality for a good while, but appreciate some would be better working.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/04/2016 23:04

5 days for a parent here too. When my dad died I had 5 days, then I had the following week booked off for holiday anyway so that gave me 2 weeks off which was good because it was10 before the funeral was arranged.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 08/04/2016 23:04

when my dm died I had the standard '3 days' and then back to work.

when my df died my db took 3 days off 2+1 for funeral (he was main carer - sudden death) and assumed it was given as compassionate leave - nothing was said by his employers just agreement to have the days off.

At the end of his leave year he was docked 3 days wages for having taken 3 days too many of annual leave. When he queried the dates he was told that the 3 days for my dfs death was annual leave and he should have known that was the case!!

Also when an aunt of mine died, for whom I had been the carer and next of kin for 6 years, I asked for an hour off to meet the executors to officially agree for the funeral to be arranged - (funeral arranged on my day off). The day after the meeting I was told by my manager that she had docked the hour off my overtime for the month to save me having to work it back.

Also when my dh's dbro died I had to take the funeral day as annual leave as he was not a relative of mine - Dh could not get to the funeral without me as he is disabled (3 hour car journey).

blondiebonce · 08/04/2016 23:13

When studying to be a nurse, my university wouldn't let me take any time off unless I supplied a death certificate. That was a grandparent, but who judges?

chipsandpeas · 08/04/2016 23:13

thing is people react differently

people said to me that they couldnt belive i only had 2 weeks off after my dad died as said above it was a mix of comparionate/holidays at the time it suited me but i know when my mum goes it will be a diff story, not that i will exploit my works sickness policy but looking back i wanted to get back to normal, it wasnt enough time, grieving didnt really hit me til later on i was too busy at the time looking after my mum

1 week isnt enough for a parent imo, must be worse if its a child or a spouse but i know my work would expect sick leave to be tagged on ( in fact now i know unofficially they expect it)

chipsandpeas · 08/04/2016 23:13

oh and when my dog dies i will have at least 2 days off

EweAreHere · 08/04/2016 23:20

IMO, I think it's quite generous to have a fully paid week off that doesn't count against personal days or sick days when an extended family member passes away ... how much do people really expect companies to absorb financially?

Losing a child is different ... it just is ... in a perfect world, no one would outlive their children ... more time to grieve and find a way forward will be needed ... but again, I think it's reasonable to ask who should absorb the financial implications if you're not able to work? Someone still has to do it...

lightgreenglass · 08/04/2016 23:21

When DM died/was dying I actually can't remember how long I got off but it was pretty much on a when you feel ready come back basis. I think it over a month possibly more, some of the stories on here are horrific.

MarbleFox · 08/04/2016 23:27

It's 3 days paid leave where I work as well, I would have taken longer but simply couldn't afford to as my dad didn't have funeral/life insurance so it was up to me, my mum and my sister to foot the bill.

I considered getting signed off but had the feeling it would have been frowned upon unfortunately Sad

chipsandpeas · 08/04/2016 23:29

IMO, I think it's quite generous to have a fully paid week off that doesn't count against personal days or sick days when an extended family member passes away ... how much do people really expect companies to absorb financially?

i would hardly class a parent as extended family

EweAreHere · 08/04/2016 23:37

But they are. When you reach adulthood and move out into the world, your nuclear family eventually becomes you, your partner and your own children should you have them.

I know my thoughts on it may not be popular. And, ftr, I lost my dad fairly young, and it was devastating. And I was pregnant with his first grandchild, and didn't realize it in time to tell him. And it was a horrible time. And I still miss him. But life has to go on... xx

MarbleFox · 08/04/2016 23:43

But they are. When you reach adulthood and move out into the world, your nuclear family eventually becomes you, your partner and your own children should you have them.
What about people in their late teens and early twenties who still live at home and haven't started a family of their own yet?
Very sorry to hear about your dad, it must have been a very difficult time to be pregnant with your first child Flowers

chipsandpeas · 08/04/2016 23:48

But they are. When you reach adulthood and move out into the world, your nuclear family eventually becomes you, your partner and your own children should you have them.

really......i dont think a parent ever would be classed as extended family

and in my case i was 29 and single with no kids, are you really trying to say to me that if i had a partner and kids the loss of my dad would be easier as he wasnt classed as my nuclear family

if you do then i am being polite by saying fuck you

chipsandpeas · 08/04/2016 23:49

shit type....i dont think that a parent should never be classed as extended family

BackforGood · 08/04/2016 23:50

IME, yours (OP) is generous, in what is officially allowed, but there's generally a lot of discretion from people, depending on all sorts of things - from practicality of arrangements, to impact on the person, and what sort of work you do in some ways. If it comes to it, if you are too stressed or upset to be able to function at work, then your GP can sign you off.

GraysAnalogy · 08/04/2016 23:52

I'm still confused as to why a week is considered 'generous'. Again i think it's because we expect so little and are surprised when we get the mere shred of decency.

Princesspeach1980 · 08/04/2016 23:53

I was signed off sick when my mum passed away, both gp and work were very understanding and I could have had much longer. My sister is self employed and had to go back to work straight away or she wouldn't have got paid.

BeALert · 09/04/2016 00:28

And in the US you don't really need a full day to travel. Say one is in NYC and the other in LA - leave NYC at 6 p.m., get to LA early evening of the same day, have the funeral the next day. The travel wouldn't use up an entire day.

And of course everyone lives near a major city...

EBearhug · 09/04/2016 00:30

We get 3 days, which is totally inadequate if you're organising the funeral, executing the will and clearing your childhood home.

JustBeingJuliet · 09/04/2016 01:23

The company I've just started working for allows 3 days. Can't see that being enough at all when it come to the time when I lose my dad to be honest, as I was a mess for months after Mum died.

MarbleFox · 09/04/2016 01:31

I agree with most of the people in this thread, 3 days is not adequate. I think paid bereavement leave should be a minimum of a week regardless of where you work, I can understand the costs to the company but I think that's feasible. After the initial week, desecration should be used to decide if the person is ready to return to work.

Returning to work after 3 days did me no favours. I'm the type who wants to grieve quietly, discreetly and in private. That's just my personality. Having to pretend everything was just fine at work less than a week after my dad passed away was so hard and the insensitive reactions/comments of some of my colleagues will never leave me. It really fucked up the grieving process for me in the long run.

Chottie · 09/04/2016 05:47

It's a week off where I work (LA) and if you need more time off, either a doctor's note or unpaid leave and agreed with manager.

3 weeks off seems exceptionally generous.

Badders123 · 09/04/2016 06:42

Top trumps?
Jesus....

Badders123 · 09/04/2016 06:51

As this thread has proved...3 days is the norm when s loved one dies
1 week is seen as generous
Of course one can get signed off by the dr (my cousin had weeks off) but it all depends on your employer (she worked in the nhs)
I imagine larger companies are more understanding
As I said, my dh got half a day to attend my dads funeral - the rest had to be taken as annual leave and as his boss was on holiday he could only take a day Sad
Of course if we leave the EU we will probably lose the 3 days!
(Along with sick leave and maternity leave....)

Kaddy · 09/04/2016 12:50

There was a recent thread where a poster said most people where she works took 5 or 6 months off for a close bereavement. Shock she said she worked for the NHS (I think she said they didn't get paid after 6 months). I thought that was really an awful pisstake. Obviously if people had become clinically depressed following a death then that's a different matter.

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