Re clueless friend and toddler

[Fleab1te]

Our friend, his girlfriend and their kid(toddler) came to visit recently. I've known him years and he's a lovely bloke but generally clueless about how he/his behaviour affects others. (Others feel this way about him too. We laugh fondly about his ridiculousness ). We've hosted him numerous times and always spoil him with nice meals etc. When we've visited him we're lucky if we get fed and had to go out and buy ourselves sandwiches once. (Just a bit of back story )

I spent ages cleaning, sorting bedding and 10 min after their arrival the place was a shit hole. Our house is the opposite of a toddler haven so I was prepared for some upheaval, but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get about his/their total lack of respect for us and our home. Here is a list of points of rage inducing behaviour:

They left half eaten food (provided by us) about the place(half a satsuma. ..then another one...)

Allowed him to wander around with sick all over his bib then left it on the side for me to wash.

Stomped into the house with muddy boots after a walk through the woods

Changed his nappy on the sofa /on landing (no changing mat) probably dropping traces of shit on to carpet.

Allowed him to bash furniture with his toys.

Allowed him to bang cupboards /drawers at 7 am.

He NEVER brings his own towel as apparently we are a hotel.

And to top it off after they had gone we discovered the most disgusting mess of shit smear in the toilet. He always does this but it's never been this bad and to be honest it tipped me over the edge. I know I might be being precious over the nappy thing, but it drives me nuts how some people seem to think that snot/shit/sick is somehow less disgusting when it's a baby's. We're not parents and don't ever intend to be, so just wondering if our non parentness is causing unreasonable levels of impatience and lack of understanding. Many thanks if you managed to get this far.

Aspergallus, not wanting poo on the couch, mud in the hall, stains in the toilet, cupboard doors being slammed at 7am and half chewed food left lying around is 'mindboggling' standards? My mind is certainly boggling......

Oh I didn't realise shit was actually smeared on the sofa i thought that was a thought of what might happen if a nappy was changed there?

a POTENTIAL A possibility but not something that actually happened.

I think some people use the whole 'but they're toddlers, what do you expect' thing as an excuse to get out of having to actually do anything constructive like tidying up after them. Or wiping up poo.

I don't see where she says there was actually faeces on the sofa, Alconleigh, just that she imagined there might be "particles" which sounds a bit precious.

Really, toddlers make noise, some more than others. Toddlers bang things, some more than others. Not everyone feels the need to change nappies in the bathroom, if they are used to doing it on the go, it might not have occurred to them that a non-parent had a specific etiquette for this...which isn't exactly crime of the century. And the rest just sounds like a lack of communication on both parts.

I'm not suggesting that the guest was 100% fine -but the OPs standards probably contributed equally to their own angst over the visit.

Our hall is usually muddy in rainy weather, its where we walk into to before taking shoes off. Mud wont kill us. It clears away.

what has happened that people have become like this? I dont remember anywhere being like this growing up! As I became older I was aware of one cousin with massive cleaning issues and anxieties, ( she went on to have dc and washes jeans after ONE WASH sort of thing) and then dh DM. I have never come across such pettiness.

What was op expecting from this toddler? I dont get it.

And the bring your own towels thing is actually more mind boggling to me than the dirty bib or a bit of a satsuma being forgotten. And I guess a I take that as the comment most representative of the OPs unusual standards. She sounds kind of rigid.

cold ops view sounds scewed to me.

Maybe they did 99% of cleaning up but forgot the satsuma?!

I mean mine would leave more than a satsuma.

Since when did not wanting a guest to leave half eaten food lying around and the toilet in a mess mean someone having cleaning issues?
Maybe the OP didn't expect anything from the toddler, just for the parents to show the usual manners of not leaving someone else's house in a mess because of their child?

Yes, agree with Buds. When you strip down the OP to actual objective measurable things that happened (ignoring imagined particles of shit) she sounds more unreasonable.

But of course, it's not unreasonable to decline future visits. OP can have whatever standards she likes in her own home, and choose who comes to stay.

X post Bud. The towel thing sounds a bit mad but she has said further down that it's her particular thing and that she sees why most of us think that. Mud in the hallway can't be helped. The rest though is a bit much!

I do think changing a nappy on a sofa is minging and if there was a really huge "shit smear" (that makes me feel sick even writing it) I would feel as you did. It's just really hard to tell what level some of this was at.

All of this could have been quite minor e.g. there wasn't actually mud on the floor, there wasn't actually shit on the sofa, the stain in the toilet could have been microscopic, there could have been one or two bangs of cupboards and a child bouncing a toy dinosaur up and down on the arm of a chair.

Or you might now need industrial cleaners to rescue your carpet, there might have been visible shit on the sofa, the stain in the toilet could have covered the entire bowl, the cupboards could be coming off the hinges and the child could have etched a deep mark into your lovingly restored antique furniture.

So it's about scale, I guess. If it's scenario B, you're obviously not being U and you need to talk to him about paying for damages. If it's scenario A, you need not to have him or anyone with young kids again and just cope with the loss of the friendship if it's not worth it.

(And as someone who had OCD in the past, the towel thing would make me wonder if you are a bit germ-phobic, in which case your responding to the scale of all of this might be different to someone else's, parent or not).

This thread is making me re-evaluate most of our own behaviour, as guests, hosts and in terms of general living. I actually wouldn't even notice most of what has been talked about if the person was an old friend or family member.

I think YAmostlyNBU.
I don't think changing a child's nappy on someone else's sofa is ok without asking first. I think it would be preferable to clean your child up when they've been sick (properly sick as happened here, not just a bit of milk), no matter where you are.
It sounds like your friend feels very at home in your house, which on the one hand is nice, but on the other hand means he doesn't consider himself bound to 'guest rules'. Or maybe that's how he is everywhere?

Its impossible to navigate all the things each host is picky about this is why hosts need to be elastic to a degree.

There seems to be more focus on personal standards and home than the actual guest.

For example I know someone who thinks it rude to just "sit anywhere" in someones living room! Her friend stayed with her and un wittingly kept sitting on "their" fav sofa?!" So whilst friend was chatting away happily, they were secretly "seething" because she was hogging their seat.

How far does one go? It seems to me houses are being in creasingly un people friendly.

cold toddlers are probably the most distracting creatures on the planet.

Ypu don't sound uptight op.
Parents can change kids nappies on the floor, sofa etc in their house that's fine, but not at a guests. They atleast ask first, and then put something under the child!
There's a reason why nobody has them to stop op

I bet he's the same kind of parent who doesn't clean up after his child in a restaurant. There was a thread recently about a cafe owner's reaction to mess from a toddler group in his cafe. The overwhelming response was that the op was being unreasonable for leaving the mess. Why is mess in someone's house deemed by some to be OK?

MN is screwy. Wearing clean shoes in someone else's house is a deadly sin. But changing a nappy without a changing mat, leaving half eaten satsumas about the place, leaving a bib on the side with sick on it, and leaving the toilet in a disgusting mess - perfectly fine.

I would have been annoyed too OP.

I'd never change a baby/toddler on someone else's sofa. I'm worried about the suggestion to put a towel down though. I wouldn't have brought one

I usually asked where the outside bin was for nappies. I always tried to keep small ones quiet and entertained in the early hours.
The satsuma/food waste thing is nonsense though. Toddlers are arseholes with food. Ds2 used to ask for toast so he could put it in the video

BudsbeginingSpringinSight

I agree with the thrust of your point. I think the idea of putting guests comfort to the fore is diminishing. I try to ensure my guests feel comfortable even if they operate differently. My mum likes the tv on all the time. It drives me bonkers but she's my guest.

So it looks like a unanimous YABU about the towel but split about the rest of it. I'm not used to being around small children so the banging alone would have been enough for me to suggest that they fucked off found somewhere else to stay.

Of course toddlers will be toddlers etc but what is normal to a parent may not be to a non-parent. things like the sicky bib would have really fucked me off.

Do yourself a favour OP - dump your 'friend' asap - let him take the piss with other people.

The OP has not said there was a shit smear after the nappy changing. She's used the word 'probably', but presumably there's no actual evidence or she would have told us.

While it may seem kamikaze to the uninitiated, most parents I know are very practised at changing without a mat and keep it contained.

I'm not saying it's right to do it in someone else's house without asking, but in my experience it's fairly regular practise with toddlers in their own home.

I think some people have missed up the toilets kiddy with the disgust the OP has over imagined shit particles from nappy changes.

Nappy changing on the go is part of normal life with some toddlers. I have a DS1 who could be changed carefully on a mat and a DS2 I literally chase after, and have about 20 seconds stillness in which I can whip one off, wipe and put another on...and amazingly I seem to be capable of doing this without spreading his shit far and wide.

*Toilet skiddy, not toilets kiddy!