Re clueless friend and toddler

[Fleab1te]

Our friend, his girlfriend and their kid(toddler) came to visit recently. I've known him years and he's a lovely bloke but generally clueless about how he/his behaviour affects others. (Others feel this way about him too. We laugh fondly about his ridiculousness ). We've hosted him numerous times and always spoil him with nice meals etc. When we've visited him we're lucky if we get fed and had to go out and buy ourselves sandwiches once. (Just a bit of back story )

I spent ages cleaning, sorting bedding and 10 min after their arrival the place was a shit hole. Our house is the opposite of a toddler haven so I was prepared for some upheaval, but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get about his/their total lack of respect for us and our home. Here is a list of points of rage inducing behaviour:

They left half eaten food (provided by us) about the place(half a satsuma. ..then another one...)

Allowed him to wander around with sick all over his bib then left it on the side for me to wash.

Stomped into the house with muddy boots after a walk through the woods

Changed his nappy on the sofa /on landing (no changing mat) probably dropping traces of shit on to carpet.

Allowed him to bash furniture with his toys.

Allowed him to bang cupboards /drawers at 7 am.

He NEVER brings his own towel as apparently we are a hotel.

And to top it off after they had gone we discovered the most disgusting mess of shit smear in the toilet. He always does this but it's never been this bad and to be honest it tipped me over the edge. I know I might be being precious over the nappy thing, but it drives me nuts how some people seem to think that snot/shit/sick is somehow less disgusting when it's a baby's. We're not parents and don't ever intend to be, so just wondering if our non parentness is causing unreasonable levels of impatience and lack of understanding. Many thanks if you managed to get this far.

Although the 'provide your own towel' thing is weird

Yanbu about most of it - I wouldn't dream of visiting other people and not clear up after my DC's, most people would (or so I thought!). I've had 3 toddlers and would be embarrassed to leave someone else's house in a state after a visit! You're being U about the towels though.
For other posters: Himself is just a turn of phrase, nothing to get picky about!

I've already conceded about the towels. But this wasn't the kind of visit where you invite someone to come stay for a few days. He was crashing. It was a stop over. If I stop over at a friends for the night I take a towel. Why should I use one of theirs for one use only. But to be honest I'm not that bothered. It's all about context and the way he's treated us when we've been to his. I could tell you things that would make you feel ill but I don't wanna out myself.

The boots were eventually removed. I didn't say anything because his gf hasn't visited before and I didnt want her to feel awkward. Like I said at the time it didn't really enrage. It was just the final thing and culmination of everything else.

It's true we have different standards

We have a loo brush haha. It's used for cleaning not removing shit. I removed the shit with toilet roll and my hand. Not difficult.

It's funny how easy it is to be misinterpreted on here. I've seen it happen now I'm experiencing it first hand from some at least. No I'm not uptight and don't make guests feel uncomfortable. I've told I'm a great host. I've made it sound like I'm angrier than I am. It was meant to be slightly lighthearted in places. He is irritating but not enough to ruin a friendship over. I might say something next time about certain things.

But we did have plans. It's just he likes to do them at his leisure and ignores the fact that other people want to get on with the day. Again different standards. Thanks for all your responses. I expected a mixed bag and it seems that's what I got

OP most of those things would bother me, and I do have a toddler. That being said, I still think YABU. You've made it clear this friend has form for this, so you'd have to know it would be even worse with a small child in tow. Yet you still put in lots of effort cooking, cleaning, etc. Have you ever heard that saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result?

And it would never occur to me to travel with a towel. Not in a million years.

Guests don't need to bring their own towels. Ever.

The boots thing is annoying, I hope they cleaned the floor up after themselves. That's rude.

The bib should've been bagged up and put in their bag or they should politely have asked if they could pop it in your washing machine, not left it there and presumed you'd do it.

The toilet is a bit gross TBH. I've had my hand down a toilet with some toilet roll wiping residue before now, it's just polite.

Nappy changing, meh. I doubt anything went on the floor.

And you have to expect toddlers to bash things about.
If it's too stressful to host them simply don't do it again. Sounds like you don't like them very much anyway.

This is more about your friend than whether he is a parent or not.

Whether or not his general behaviour is reasonable or unreasonable, why would you expect him to change because he is a parent?

You used your hand to clean his shit? Grim.

Why can't people read what people I've put. I said I used toilet roll and my hand. As in my hand was holding the toilet roll. FFS. And yeah I know the toddler is normal. It's the reaction to him that's annoying. Seriously though don't people have good friends who drive them potty. We're just very different, doesn't mean I don't like him. Or are all your friends perfect?

You need to speak. You say "do mind making toddler eat the food at the table/in the kitchen, as we don't allow food elsewhere in the house". And "can you ask toddler not to do X,y and z". I do this with my friends (and I've got little kids myself).

Changing nappy on sofa is grim! You need to ask to change on the floor. And/or provide a towel for them to use as a change mat. Then wash at 90°C once they've left! What did they do with the dirty nappy? I remember before we had kids, a friend came over with her kid, and disposed of the dirty nappy in my kitchen bin!!! The smell was horrendous! ! I was more than disgusted!! So much so, that when I had kids, I would also bag up dirty nappies and leave outside friends'/relatives' houses, and then take them home with me. They only time I left them their bins was if they had nappy wearing baby/toddlers themselves. And once those friends' kids were potty trained, I started taking the nappies home again. Now that my kids are out of nappies, I wish my other friends were as thoughtful.

Leaving shit smeared around a toilet is pretty grim don't you think? Most people wouldn't do that, especially in someone else's toilet..

You have found his slobbish ways amusing over the years. The slobbish plus a toddler is no longer funny to you.
He hasn't changed as far as he is concerned. You never questioned his behaviour previously so he had no expectation that you would want him now to be considerate and tidy.

Don't invite them again.

The towel thing is weird. If people turned up at my place with a towel or expected me to take a towel I would think them weird. I also would not put half a satsuma in the fridge.
You do, in fairness, sound a little too fastidious for house guests with a toddler.

Op I'm a parent and other than the towel issue I think you have a point. Just because you have a toddler doesn't mean all your respect for other people's houses goes out the window. We've often had clutter and 'clean mess' around our house, but I don't see having a child as an excuse for living in or leaving a shit hole behind us. Banging toys - meh, that's what toddlers do and all parents can really do is try to redirect their energy and tell them where they can bang their toys. But the dirt and mess, particularly half eaten fruit and muddy boots, is totally disrespectful.

The nappies went in the kitchen bin. I said they could but it was rammed by the end of the stay. Personally I would have emptied it but that's just me.

Sounds like he has been indulged for years and has not learnt basic manners when staying as a guest. I would not have him over again.

I wouldn't empty a bin in someone else's house. Likewise I wouldn't take a towel. Toddlers bang stuff, it is goes with the territory. A couple of satsumas is no biggie.

Tbh, it really sounds like you don't like him and resent him staying. So don't have him again. He doesn't sound like he is the one who is clueless.

i'd empty a bin if it was crammed with my child's nappies!

I wouldn't be bothered about the satsuma thing, and I would expect as a host to offer towels.

To be honest I would also as a host offer things like an old towel for a changing mat, and inform parents that I had put it in the bathroom, or wherever, to pre-empt people changing on my carpet, and if a child had just been properly sick over themselves, I would offer to put their clothes in the washing machine straight away! What were they supposed to do with a bib covered in sick? You should have leapt in to help immediately imo, as the host.

And if a child was bashing something fragile or dangerous with a toy, I would try and distract them away with something they could bash, like a tray.

Don't stand there fuming silently, politely but firmly direct the way you want things to happen in your own home, and you'll probably find people respond to it.

Your friend sounds like he's a bit thoughtless and just needs a bit of a push in the right direction - so give him the push while the thing that is annoying you is happening.

It is difficult having toddlers to stay if you don't have children yourself - it can be chaotic. DD1 in particular we had to follow round the house and monitor her behaviour very closely otherwise she'd pick up ornaments and that kind of thing. It can be really difficult as they get excited in a new environment and you have to reteach them 'don't touch that' for more or less everything. But it's the parents' job to try to preempt problems. I think the main point here is that your friend didn't TRY to control his DC - he didn't bother using a changing mat or cleaning up after himself, which I think is a bit grim. YANBU.

You do, in fairness, sound a little too fastidious for house guests with a toddler

This sums it up. Don't invite again if it upsets you. As the mother of a toddler I'd find a stay in your house pretty stressful.

The towel thing is weird though. I've never stayed in anyone's house where I was expected to bring a towel (except perhaps as a student) and would never dream of not providing. Thought this was pretty universal.

It was a wipe clean bib. I was tempted to wipe it while he was walking around but they seemed to think it was ok, so I thought it might be taken the wrong way. His clothes were fine. The sick went on the floor and the bib. I'm not there to parent his child. If I try to stop him scratching the table again that could cause offence like I'm telling him how to deal with his kid. Isn't that just manners though? Maybe I'm weird about towels but if I am I guess other people I know are. They're hardly ever offered or asked for. But I'm talking about informal stop overs or 'crashes' not formal visits.

I could refuse to have him stop over but as I've said it's irritating but not worth falling out over. Besides I don't think anyone else will have him. We've tried to suggest to other friends to take turns but for some reason they don't seem keen

I think it's the norm for many people to bring their own towels. Quite often my friends do, if there are 3 of them coming in the car for one night, it's no big deal for them to chuck in their own. I would be happy to provide towels but often they say they will bring them to save us the hassle. Personally I don't mind one way or the other as we have a lot of towels and a tumble dryer, but it's easy to imagine if you don't have those things, it creates a lot of laundry for the host. It sounds like with the OP's friends they bring their own towels - maybe next time (if there is a next time!) you can remind him.

Why would you find it stressful. I've already said I didn't let on I was bothered. I'm always considerate, accommodating and provide what people need. I don't think it's much to ask for some consideration back.

And now you know why other friends aren't keen to have them stay!
Be one of those friends OP, I certainly would.