Re clueless friend and toddler

[Fleab1te]

Our friend, his girlfriend and their kid(toddler) came to visit recently. I've known him years and he's a lovely bloke but generally clueless about how he/his behaviour affects others. (Others feel this way about him too. We laugh fondly about his ridiculousness ). We've hosted him numerous times and always spoil him with nice meals etc. When we've visited him we're lucky if we get fed and had to go out and buy ourselves sandwiches once. (Just a bit of back story )

I spent ages cleaning, sorting bedding and 10 min after their arrival the place was a shit hole. Our house is the opposite of a toddler haven so I was prepared for some upheaval, but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get about his/their total lack of respect for us and our home. Here is a list of points of rage inducing behaviour:

They left half eaten food (provided by us) about the place(half a satsuma. ..then another one...)

Allowed him to wander around with sick all over his bib then left it on the side for me to wash.

Stomped into the house with muddy boots after a walk through the woods

Changed his nappy on the sofa /on landing (no changing mat) probably dropping traces of shit on to carpet.

Allowed him to bash furniture with his toys.

Allowed him to bang cupboards /drawers at 7 am.

He NEVER brings his own towel as apparently we are a hotel.

And to top it off after they had gone we discovered the most disgusting mess of shit smear in the toilet. He always does this but it's never been this bad and to be honest it tipped me over the edge. I know I might be being precious over the nappy thing, but it drives me nuts how some people seem to think that snot/shit/sick is somehow less disgusting when it's a baby's. We're not parents and don't ever intend to be, so just wondering if our non parentness is causing unreasonable levels of impatience and lack of understanding. Many thanks if you managed to get this far.

Xmasbaby your set up is similar to ours. It's difficult to get across though.

Listen. do not let him invite himself over/crash.
FWIW - you didn't need to specify that you do not have kids - I got that before I had reached that sentence in your post.
HTH.

YANBU and no wonder noone else wants to host him! The sick thing would gross me out and I have two young DC, one of whom was very pukey. You just deal with it without fuss and immediately.

I would tell the child not to do things if the dad isn't doing so. Say directly 'Please don't scratch the table' or 'We don't scratch tables here' and if he doesn't respond, ask the dad to move him away - or do it yourself. I would have no qualms about disciplining a child if he was damaging your home.

I hope this doesn't put you off inviting other children round in future - I promise most parents are much more vigilant!

I think he was being U over the muddy boots - I would have thought more or less any guest would make an effort to work out if a house is a shoes on or shoes off sort of place....observe if there is already tons of mud because, say, the owner has dogs, or if the house has spotless cream carpets and behave accordingly.

The rest of it sounds like you are just unused to kids though .

He sounds grim but you could have altered a few things. I would say I'd like them to take off boots,they were muddy.
The nappy changing wouldn't bother me. The bashing of furniture would but ds does it & I've never allowed it at someone else's home.
Why would you use your hand & tissue to remove dried on poo? Gross. You have a loo brush,use it!!
The sofa thing wouldn't bother me but if someone has irritated you,I guess everything ends up driving you mad.

get that being a non parent a lot of that stuff is perfectly normal to parents

That's it. In a nutshell.

Limit your invitations to this without children and with towels and your life will be calm,

I had friends with three small ones to supper at the weekend. Place was trashed in seconds. We couldn't hear ourselves over teething baby. Took turns to shovel in food with babies and toddlers moving between knees, telly went on and children snuggled under throws with bowls of food while we nattered.

I loved every minute. Cuddles, baby smells, surreal and random conversation from funny wee people.

Ive got 3 of my own and am a childminder and I'd be pissed off if a guest treated my house like that. It's basic manners to clean up after your child!

Icelolly you just recommended using a loo brush!!
Hide.

I don't find any of this extreme, toddlers are little wild savages!

A satsuma I cant believe you can get worked up over a satsuma!
Its easy to forget how wild they are though.

We also change nappies all over the place we are very adept at it!
I always ask where I can change it now in other peoples homes and would not presume to do it anywhere in someone elses home but I do not think this is a dreadful offense on their behalf.

YOU have to show lots of slack and lee way I am afraid they struggle with this every day, its impossible to totally control a toddler, impossible and un pleasant for everyone.

I'd assumed the satsuma was part chewed and sticky, rather than neatly segmented. But that's probably just previous similar experience making me believe that!

toddler are a nightmare unpredictable, demanding, constantly need attention constantly touching things that could maim them for life, fast, runners. I am worn out just triyng to keep mine SAFE.

She is into EVERYTHING, one move and disaster strikes, even getting from the house to the car is a huge up hill struggle as new things are thrown up everyday, its for me anyway the toughest age, I found babies - easy.

Trying to remember other peoples strict house rules on top of chasing after a toddler, whilst I appreciate.....people on here will have ten toddlers they can keep in a straight ordered line is bloody hard. Esp if your more relaxed yourself at home.

When people - friends - NCT visit my house, I know how hard it is, therefore I am relazed as I can be with them and their charges. I want to provide an environment where they feel relaxed.

Sometimes mumsnet astounds me

I remember reading a thread where an OP had lost her deposit on a holiday cottage, she said she had left some toothpaste smears in the bathroom sink and was leapt on as being disgusting, slovenly etc

But now it is apparently ok to leave poo all over a friends toilet for them to clean

OP other than the towel and the toddler noise I don't think you are unreasonable I think your friend sounds disrespectful. I would have politely asked them to change nappies on a towel in the bathroom.

Whilst it is not unreasonable to have to make allowances for young children, people with young children should also be mindful and show respect to people who don't have kids.

The towel thing is ridiculous. I have never, ever expected guests to bring their own towels.

Ida, there are plenty of people posting on this thread eho don't think the OP is being unreasonable, either (except, as we've established, about the towels ).

If toddler is like my DD I can't leave her alone for a second to clean up poo or she will be off trashing something else. She may be one of a kind though.

I'm still hung up on the towel thing. I want a towel thread

Seriously I'm fascinated - you say you provide towels for a 'formal' visit but not someone crashing or an 'informal' visit.

Talk me through that.
I'm visiting your town and want to catch up. Do you expect me to bring a towel?
What is a 'crash' in your book? Mine is my niece goes to a concert but it finishes late and asks if she can crash at mine rather than trying to get home. In that situation is she supposed to bring a towel?
What's a formal visit?

Seriously I'm fascinated - you say you provide towels for a 'formal' visit but not someone crashing or an 'informal' visit

I also don't get this reasoning. Surely a 'crashing' visit would necessitate a towel even more.

I've literally never stayed anywhere where I was expected to bring my own towel, so I can't wrap my head around it.

Informal/crashing definitely doubly necessitates a towel.

Honestly the issues here are just incompatible expectations and your lack of experience with toddlers. I thought I was fussy but your standards are mind boggling to me. But I think people with children put that kind of houseproudness behind them; they just don't have the time (and maybe forget we were once like that).

You could set out your expectations more clearly if there is to be a next time, but if you do, they might just decide visiting you is more hassle than it's worth. Toddlers are utterly exhausting. Exhaustion like you'll never know. If you have to watch and attend to every tiny little thing a non-parent might find offensive, it's torture.

For the sake of your friendship, I think you'd be best to just accept that visits to your house are off the agenda for a while. I'd just say, we'd love to have you but our home just isn't child safe/friendly right now.

Maybe informs crashers aren't allowed expected to have a shower, that's why no towel...? 😷

Relax precious...

Don't invite them anymore. Simple.

'It's basic manners to clean up after your child!'

This. Basic, basic stuff. Although I have to say your friend sounds like a really unpleasant houseguest, toddler issues aside.

I can't believe that people are accusing you of being precious and uptight and making all sorts of snide comments about you not being a parent. It is not 'normal' to allow your toddler to bash someone else's furniture, or to change their dirty nappies on someone else's sofa. Again, basic manners. I have had friends with toddlers come to visit and have never experienced anything like this kind of behaviour.

OP, I have a friend who sounds a lot like your friend. We used to wait on him hand and foot when he came to stay, cook lovely meals, spend hours cleaning before he arrived etc. When we stayed with him, we would be expected to feed ourselves, sleep on the floor in dirty linen and his flat would be filthy. Now, when he comes to stay, I make loads less effort - I still keep things clean because that's how I want them, but I don't feel the need to go to loads of effort anymore, and I'm much happier for it. In your case, I wouldn't 'have that friend to stay ever again but if you do, don't feel bad about making much less effort.

I'm with everyone else on the towels thing though - providing towels for guests is totally standard.

The towel thing I am with everyone else.
The nappy and the sick are grim though. It's partly the way my life has panned out that means I don't have kids, but i have also always been revolted by the physical reality of parenting. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike kids, I generally enjoy their company, find them funny and endearing and have been fascinated by watching the children I know well develop from babies into pre teens. But the idea of spending literally years of my life up to my elbows in someone else's bodily emissions and semi chewed food turns my stomach. So I'm with you all the way on that; mind you, sounds like the father is the worse offender!

I'm really surprised at some of the views here. I have 2 toddlers, and yes they're noisy and messy, but I'd never allow them to crash about early in the morning at a guest's house, waking everyone up. A little common courtesy is all that's required. So not wearing muddy boots in the house, not letting the toddler bash other people's furniture, cleaning up the bathroom after little ones have used it etc...

The towels and leftover food wouldn't bother me though.

And Aspergallus, faeces on the sofa isn't really what I would call 'every tiny little thing a non parent might find offensive', come on! Plenty of parents on here have said they would find that unacceptable. It's shit, FFS. I don't care if it came out of a small person. It's still shit.