Re clueless friend and toddler

[Fleab1te]

Our friend, his girlfriend and their kid(toddler) came to visit recently. I've known him years and he's a lovely bloke but generally clueless about how he/his behaviour affects others. (Others feel this way about him too. We laugh fondly about his ridiculousness ). We've hosted him numerous times and always spoil him with nice meals etc. When we've visited him we're lucky if we get fed and had to go out and buy ourselves sandwiches once. (Just a bit of back story )

I spent ages cleaning, sorting bedding and 10 min after their arrival the place was a shit hole. Our house is the opposite of a toddler haven so I was prepared for some upheaval, but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get about his/their total lack of respect for us and our home. Here is a list of points of rage inducing behaviour:

They left half eaten food (provided by us) about the place(half a satsuma. ..then another one...)

Allowed him to wander around with sick all over his bib then left it on the side for me to wash.

Stomped into the house with muddy boots after a walk through the woods

Changed his nappy on the sofa /on landing (no changing mat) probably dropping traces of shit on to carpet.

Allowed him to bash furniture with his toys.

Allowed him to bang cupboards /drawers at 7 am.

He NEVER brings his own towel as apparently we are a hotel.

And to top it off after they had gone we discovered the most disgusting mess of shit smear in the toilet. He always does this but it's never been this bad and to be honest it tipped me over the edge. I know I might be being precious over the nappy thing, but it drives me nuts how some people seem to think that snot/shit/sick is somehow less disgusting when it's a baby's. We're not parents and don't ever intend to be, so just wondering if our non parentness is causing unreasonable levels of impatience and lack of understanding. Many thanks if you managed to get this far.

I'd not invite him again. He sounds a bit of a lazy man child.

You front day you disliked him. Your dislike of him was clear from your post. It didn't need to be spelled out

Is your partner called Himself?

Front day? Didn't say

When you say "sick all over the bib" you probably mean a bit of milk mess/drool. No. It was lumpy sick that he had just puked up on the floor. It was clinging to his bib as he toddled about.

When you say bashing furniture, what exactly do you mean? Making a toy jump up and down on the sofa or taking to the destruction of your household items with wild abandon and a toy shaped like a baseball bat?
I mean bashing and scraping/scratching wooden furniture with plastic toys. Again re the satsumas - it was more about waste than anything. Right I really am off to bed.

Meh. Parental control. Were your friend's mum and dad with him? As it sounds like most of your issues were with the adult, not the child (apart from the "bashing", "screaming" and "shitting", which I suppose a good parent should be able to control in order to adequately demonstrate respect regarding your decisions about your life course).

Enjoy your sleep. I'm off to bed too but I'll probably be up again in an hour, exercising zero parental control over my wayward progeny. I'm a lazy clueless shite like that.

He sounds mildly slobby, the toddler sounds like a toddler, and you sound incredibly uptight. Haven't you ever met a toddler? Do you honestly expect your house guests to bring their own towels? Do you trot off to other people's houses for a weekend with your towels? Do your guests have to bring their own hand towels, too, or just bath? Were you thin-lipped and wearing a floral pinny and Marigolds all weekend, itching to retrieve the two satsumas?

I just don't believe it's nearly as bad as you think it is. So child got sick all over the floor, just like an adult, and it was all over his bib and left for you to clean? (Or just taken off and forgotten about).

And scratching furniture? What sort of toys does this kid have? What sort of furniture do you have? I am trying to imagine this as more than a toddler waving a toy around and hitting it off furniture but I obviously move in very different circles as no one I know has the sort of furniture that a plastic toy could damage, even through quite boisterous play.

When my dc's were toddlers I was aware that not everyone in the world was so entranced by my offspring that they would be delighted with their snot/sick/shit. And though it's normal for children to want to explore, reasonable houseguests understand that it's unreasonable to let them loose on pots and pans at 7am. I managed to keep my two under control by myself. Was the toddler just left to roam alone while his parents ignored him?

I remember my friend coming to visit with her toddler well before I had dc. It felt like a tornado had whipped through the house. Her DD was lovely but posted every coaster I had, through the catflap, quietly and happily :)
Having had dc myself now I wouldn't turn a hair at a level of chaos that 15 ,years ago would have been nerve twanging.
Mind, the muddy boots and sofa hogging would piss me off.
It sounds like you've indulged his child-like behaviour and are now despairing at his child-like behaviour.
You need to introduce consequences to him...

The crucial question is "do you have a loo brush?".

Be careful how you answer.

Say no and quite frankly it's your own fault he left skid stains with no way to deal with them.

Say yes and 50% of MN will cumulatively think you are gross.

I am in the loo brush camp

On the other bits, poo changing sans mat is bad as is muddy boots.

The rest is really par for the course especially the hanging about, unless you specifically had plans?

Who is "Himself"?

Whose poo is on the inside of the loo?

Toddlers can be selfish and bang stuff early in the morning or even late at night. They do wonder around too in stained clothes every now and then, sometimes with felt tip marks covered faces and hands.

I have never taken towels with me to sleepovers, nor have I ever requested anyone bring them.

Half eaten food - parents should clean it up.
Muddy boots - very disrespectful
Changing nappies without mat or towel - at home is ok, elsewhere guests should ask where & how the homeowner prefers it to be done

Hogging TV - I don't tend to watch tv with guests because that is one area I don't do polite. If they want to watch what I'm watching that's fine, I would never be subjected to other people's tv choices in my home.
DVDs /Netflix different, especially if we have a "movie night" when we decide on the film in advance

Forgot the rest.

OP I'm guessing your friend might just be exhausted and feels he can relax in your home, let his guard down. Perhaps you project a carefree image when you laugh off his behaviour. I don't know. I understand your frustration.
But without wanting to sound rude it seems like a case of "oh make yourself at home, just touch nothing, do nothing and do nothing I don't like".
I don't think you appreciate the carnage and mayhem a child is able to cause and how relentless & hopeless it is to try & keep a house clean!

If your friend riles you up so much please try and talk to him about the 3 things that you'd prefer him not to do next time. If he's not willing to respect your home, he isn't respecting you. And that's not a lovely friend in my book.

Good luck

I don't like the sound of him. He is taking the piss.

I would have been annoyed about toddler banging cupboards and drawers at 7am, toddler banging furniture and screaming while dad watches tv, parents and toddler clumping through with mud on their boots. More annoyed at the parent than the child however.

And I have just seen that he invites himself to visit.

He really is taking the piss.

You'll have to stop buying food and making your house comfortable when you anticipate a visit, and next time he comes over he will have to shift for himself. And don't provide towels.

I don't think yabu!
(Except for the towel and possibly the satsuma, though i agree about the waste).
I think it's disgusting that he changed the child on the sofa with no mat.
It's fine in your own home that's your choice, but not at a guests,that's disgusting!
Also think they should have stopped child banging doors and knocking your furniture.
Yes not childs fault, they're simply playing but the father should be watching so that nothing of yours got damaged.
You were nice enough to invite them into your home do they should have had the decency to (where possible) keep it tidy. I.e not traipse mud through the house and clean up after themselves, you are not a maid.

Seriously, do you really take a towel with you to friends?
Am i committing a major crime?

Maybe I am being naive, but why don't you say anything? Like when they come in with the muddy boots suggest the use the bench to take their boot of?
I had a friend who was about to change her nappy on my kitchen table. I provided her an other area to do it. If you don't say anything how will he know any better?

Some of this sounds fine to me - I always provide towels for guests, people have different schedules and are away from home so may get up late/faff/sit about/watch TV. A couple of satsumas is no big deal. And the toddler stuff sounds totally usual. I'd gently redirect my toddler if she was banging furniture in someone else's house, personally, but it's not a huge thing unless actual damage is in danger of being done.

The things I would hate from your list are the bodily fluids ones. I got very adept at changing a nappy with no mess but I certainly wouldn't ever have changed a poo nappy on the sofa in someone else's house (or my house even!) (A wee nappy maybe, but definitely not a poo one.) Disgusting. The sick thing sounds horrible too, if it was proper toddler sick then that is foul (and I say that as someone whose kid was such a mad posseter that I was literally covered in baby sick for the first seven months...) I would not let a child wander off with sick on them like that.

TBH though the worst sin of all the ones you've mentioned is the loo. I absolutely hate it when people do this - it's disgusting and there's no need for it. No loo brush required -- just wipe the inside of the bowl with a wad of paper and flush, wash hands! I always make sure the loo is clean after I've been to it, in my own house or anyone else's. I would be mortified to leave a mess for someone else to clean up and other people's skids make me heave. There is zero reason why he couldn't have cleaned it up. I totally agree with you on that one.

In short, your friend is the disgusting slob. The toddler is just normal.

Oh and the muddy boots was rude and slobbish too.

You seem incredibly uptight.

Don't have them stay if it causes so much upset.

I spent ages cleaning, sorting bedding and 10 min after their arrival the place was a shit hole.

My four year old barfed baked beans spectacularly at mil's house. She had to reupholster a cream dining chair. A different child (who was then about 8 mos) barfed so much milk in my friend's bedroom that it necessitated repainting a wall and throwing away a pair of jeans. (Single friend, no kids) I have lost count of the number of barf and chuck-up sodden bibs and muslins I have forgotten next to sinks. I never take towels anywhere.

I always use a change mat though. Or a towel. Sometimes it is a towel provided by the host.

Thankfully, mine are all out of the toddler stage now. And I still have friends lol.

As others have said 'when worlds collide'...

"Re the towels- I knew I was being a bit U but when we stop over, we always take our own. Wouldn't dream of expecting them to provide."

It really isn't usual or the done thing not to provide towels for your guests. We often stay with family/friends or have them stay with us and I don't take towels or expect our guests to bring their own.

The muddy boots and dealing with bodily fluids would have annoyed me, but I would have said something at the time. There are occasions when biting your lips to be polite is the right thing to do, and occasions where people need to be reminded that you aren't a doormat to be taken advantage of and this would have been the latter.

YA not really BU about any of it, except for the towel. It's not normal to travel with a towel, unless you're going to the beach or a swimming pool.

You need to ask people to bring towels if you think providing them is akin to 'being a hotel'.

Actually OP I totally get you. I don't have children either and wouldn't welcome friends with children into my home for that very reason. I am as far removed from house proud as you can get but the sick being left around would piss me off and depending on the time of day, would have met with the suggestion that they find alternative lodging for the night!

I think your friend needs to know that he and his child aren't welcome in your home. It isn't fair that you should be on edge all the time when they are there!