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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son with older guy

129 replies

ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:12

Hi all, could do with an opinion or two.

I have two sons, one's 20 and at university and my other's 15, about to turn 16. Recently I found texts on youngest son's phone of a flirty nature from an older guy, this took me by surprise as he hasn't come out to me, but I did always wonder. What shocked me more was that the messages were from someone who sounded awfully familiar, turns out it's a friend of my eldest son that went to school with him.

Now the thread title may be assuming more, but either way, it seems they're quite close. I'm not cross and I love him to bits no matter what, I haven't spoken to him about it yet, but I'm wondering how to? Do I wait for him to come to me or do I sit him down and tell him that I know? If there are any members on here with gay children that have experienced this, your replies would be a great help. And AIBU to be a little worried that he's seeing this older boy? I really don't want to see him getting hurt, but maybe I should stay out of it and let him make his own mistakes? I just feel so conflicted on how to handle this!

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 19:16

One of my Ds's is gay. I'd have a conversation with him but...

What were you doing looking at text's on his phone?

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2016 19:19

I'd be very cross if I had found out my mum had read my texts when I was nearly 16.

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2016 19:19

I'd be very cross if I had found out my mum had read my texts when I was nearly 16.

wheresthel1ght · 04/04/2016 19:20

You have invaded his privacy and breeches his trust by going through his private messages. You have absolutely no way of coming out of this looking good.

Honestly, your only course of action is to do nothing. Your son may not be ready to come out or he may not be 100% certain how he feels and is going through an experimental phase. Either way there is nothing you can or should do unless you have evidence he is in danger.

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:20

His phone was on the side as I was cleaning his room and the messages came up. I do respect his privacy and wasn't going through it or anything, just came up in front of my eyes. Blush

Vintage, did you talk to him first or did you let him come out to you?

OP posts:
icanteven · 04/04/2016 19:20

I would be just as upset about my fifteen year old daughter with a man of 20 as I would about my fifteen year old son. It's REALLY young. Not to be gay, I mean, but to be in a sexual relationship with an adult.

I'm not sure I could stay out of it and let him make his own mistakes when the mistake in question is both illegal and quite a big deal for a child who might not be 100% confident in his sexuality yet.

Also, "what were you doing looking at texts on his phone"? Protecting your child, I imagine, and keeping tabs on his digital life, like a responsible and caring parent, I should imagine.

My children are much younger than yours, OP, so sex is a long way off, but it sounds like you are handling this really well.

BIWI · 04/04/2016 19:21

I'm sorry but why were you reading your son's texts?! I'd be livid if I found you were doing that to me.

My oldest son is gay, and he didn't come out - I found out something that essentially led me to 'forcing' him out, so to speak. It wasn't an issue, but he clearly felt awkward about telling us. But the thing I found out was very public - I didn't go snooping around reading his phone or his email.

You have to stop doing that and wait till he feels able to tell you himself.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 19:25

I knew he was gay from an early age and always made it clear in a round about way that I had liberal views etc. but I waited until he showed signs of wanting to come out and instigated a conversation when he was 14.

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:30

Sorry all, I should have explained better in first post that they came up on screen, wasn't digging through his phone in hopes of finding something.

And thanks icanteven, I was more surprised about who it was and the age of the guy he's messaging rather than his sexuality. He'll be turning 16 next month, so I realise there's only so much I can do to protect him as he starts getting older, but I want to do what I can to make sure he's safe and not messaging the wrong people.

OP posts:
Jojoriley · 04/04/2016 19:30

You went through his phone. You don't read people's texts by accident. You should confess and grovel.

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2016 19:32

Was it one text or a number of texts? How do you know they're quite close from just seeing them flash up? Did you read any of your son's replies?

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 04/04/2016 19:34

I would be honest with him, he might welcome the opportunity to open up. He is still young and needs protecting.

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:35

Jojoriley, if you perhaps read the posts above you, you'd have better understanding of the actual situation?

And Nerr, I only saw the messages that were on the screen and from that, it was pretty clear to me that they're close.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 19:37

If that's exactly how it happened I'd also confess and have a conversation otherwise you're going to tie yourself in knots.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 04/04/2016 19:41

I have at least one message come up on the iPhone screen so it is easily possible op caught sight of a message unintentionally (but once you start I defy anyone to stop reading it).

Anyway, provided you didn't actually access his messages and read them all, I would want to let my dc know I had seen the message. Just a casual 'really sorry but I was cleaning x, moved your phone and a message came up from Y. It's then up to him whether he goes further into it with you or not, knowing what you've seen and what you could infer from it.

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/04/2016 19:42

Anyone with a nearly 16 year old is going to be concerned if they are getting sexually involved with a 20 year old. Gender and sexuality doesn't come in to it.

It would certainly be a good time to give him a chat. About self respect, boundaries, protection etc etc.

But whatever you do, DO NOT tell him you saw his texts! It doesn't matter what innocent circumstances occurred to lead you to read his them, he won't believe you neither do we and he will be utterly furious.

As for the gay thing. I'd just talk like it's a given fact. Which clearly it is. But it might not be forever. Or it might. Young people seem to be very happy to be fluid in their sexuality these days.

Thisisnotausername · 04/04/2016 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MegaClutterSlut · 04/04/2016 19:46

Seems Im the only one who doesn't see the problem with the OP looking at her son's phone. The Op's son is 15 He is still a * child*

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 19:46

Don't see the point in lying if this was the truth? Not having a go OP but I think you're being a bit liberal there. Ive never known a whole conversation come up on someones phone before. I'd have had to pick my DS's up and scroll through.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 19:47

15 is not a child.

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 04/04/2016 19:48

Anyway, back to what the op asked for help about...

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:49

There were a few messages on the phone screen, enough for me to come to a conclusion on what was going on. Whether people think I did more than just glance over is up to them and I'm really not fussed. At the end of the day, I'm looking out for my son and the point of this thread was how I should approach the situation.

OP posts:
WhatTheActualFugg · 04/04/2016 19:50

Not sure why it matters to posters if the OP went through the phone or not. That's not really the question is it.

And quite frankly, I don't believe anyone who says they wouldn't look at their CHILD'S phone to find out what they're up to. I'd say it is actually a necessary task as part of the parental obligation to protect our children.

I would just strongly advise not to mention it to your son, OP.

Owllady · 04/04/2016 19:50

Mine would show if I'd left the conversation open. I have a Samsung galaxy
I'm really not sure why these threads go the way they do. The OP seems genuine and nice enough.

Jojoriley · 04/04/2016 19:51

If you just saw a text on the screen (rather than snooping) you might well be making assumptions that are way wide of the mark. If you have enough information to conclude he's in a serious sexual relationship with an older man and you got all that from one message that popped up in front of your eyes, you might well have actual magical powers! I don't think I would recognise the distinction between a message popping up and you seeing it by accident and snooping but perhaps your son will? Either way, it's his life and up to him to bring to you important information about it, not the other way around by the time a person is nearly 16. I see the issue of his sexuality becoming entangled in that of his privacy and that would be likely to make me resentful and angry if I were a 16 year old fashioning my life. This is why we shouldn't listen at doors we might get it all wrong and if we get it right it's likely to anger the one who has been evesdropped on. Bottom line is its disrespectful and I would imagine respect is a big issue when it comes to discussing sexual orientation with ones parent.