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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son with older guy

129 replies

ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:12

Hi all, could do with an opinion or two.

I have two sons, one's 20 and at university and my other's 15, about to turn 16. Recently I found texts on youngest son's phone of a flirty nature from an older guy, this took me by surprise as he hasn't come out to me, but I did always wonder. What shocked me more was that the messages were from someone who sounded awfully familiar, turns out it's a friend of my eldest son that went to school with him.

Now the thread title may be assuming more, but either way, it seems they're quite close. I'm not cross and I love him to bits no matter what, I haven't spoken to him about it yet, but I'm wondering how to? Do I wait for him to come to me or do I sit him down and tell him that I know? If there are any members on here with gay children that have experienced this, your replies would be a great help. And AIBU to be a little worried that he's seeing this older boy? I really don't want to see him getting hurt, but maybe I should stay out of it and let him make his own mistakes? I just feel so conflicted on how to handle this!

OP posts:
Owllady · 04/04/2016 19:51

15 is a child

Flyonthewindscreen · 04/04/2016 19:53

The OP's son is 15 not 25. Of course she can check the phone that she pays for and belongs to a minor. If her DS is in a sexual relationship with a 20 year old it's illegal, surely reading a few text messages is insignificant in comparison.

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/04/2016 19:54

Message flashes up -

Hey Nina's son. Wanna suck my cock tonight?

That's a pretty conclusive, short message, wouldn't you say Jojo?

So really it's entirely possible a msg flash could tell all that needs to be told.

Not that this is the point of the thread though! Hmm

Sunnyshores · 04/04/2016 19:56

Amazed so many people are judgemental when loads of neurotic MNetters seem to be regularly going through their DPs phone Hmm. OPs son is 15, he still needs a watchful parental eye.

Not sure how to bring it up with him, but any friendship with someone 5 years older is potentially a cause for concern (whatever the sexuality and whatever the relationship may/may not be).

Dosydoly · 04/04/2016 20:04

The approach I took with mine was to tell them I didn't need a 'big reveal' from them, so when they fell in love to just bring that person home and say this is my boy/girlfriend.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 20:10

On the subject of phones. If you think you need to check a 15 year olds phone then that should be made clear at the outset before letting them have one. I personally think its wrong and trust comes into it.

Other than that, I don't understand why the OP won't have a conversation with him. It's not a dirty secret to be gay.

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 20:10

Lol, yes exactly WhatTheActualFugg! I don't need to sit reading messages for an hour to know what's going on. And thank you Sunnyshores, I admit I was surprised with how rude and judgemental some have been. It's certainly a cause for concern and I think it'd eat away at me if I didn't mention it, so I think I'll do so eventually.

And Dosy, you sound like a great mum. Smile

OP posts:
MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 04/04/2016 20:25

Ffs, on most smartphones nowadays if someone sends multiple messages they all show on the screen. I was in a whatsapp group chat earlier and you could see half a dozen of the messages on the screen, without unlocking it.

Anyway, as others have said, he's a child. If there's any indication at all that he could be in a relationship with a 19/20 yo I'd probably be snooping.

To the original point - I probably would say that I'd seen the messages, but try to keep the tone light and not pressurise for any information. I don't think sexuality comes into it - if it was an older girl I'd want to have the same chat.

Jojoriley · 04/04/2016 20:38

I know HOW you discovered the information is not the issue for you, but I think it will be a factor for your son. The message that WhattheactualFugg suggests to be clear evidence could easily be either a joke from a friend or a misdirected ad from a sex website etc etc. If you ask for advice surely you have to be open to the possibility that people are going to say things that you don't like? Picture the situation from his perspective and HOW you know this is crucial to your relationship with him. As I said it's about respect.

Alexa444 · 04/04/2016 20:49

Excuse me can I just point out that a 16 year old is a minor? Phone technically belongs to the parent who took out the contract and op has every right to read the messages. My phone will show a whole convo if I leave the app open too btw so it is quite plausible that there was no snooping going on.

coolaschmoola · 04/04/2016 20:50

I am a teacher. I regularly ask students who won't stay off their phones to put them on my desk. I can categorically state that the vast majority scroll a full incoming message across the screen even when locked. I've seen all sorts without actively trying - or even wanting to. Something moving inadvertently draws the eye - its a reflexive response that humans relied upon for survival for thousands of years.

I believe you weren't snooping op - people make assumptions based on their own experience. If they have a different type/make/model of phone theirs may not do it. That doesn't mean they all don't...

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 20:50

I'm glad you're up to speed with modern day phones MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly! Grin I'm wondering if some posters here are still dealing with the old Nokia phones?! And yeah, I think I'm going to do just that and try to make him feel as comfortable as possible. It's definitely the age that worries me a little here and not his sexuality.

Jojoriley, I think you're being a bit delusional with your way of thinking and if you were in my shoes, you'd completely ignore the situation, fool yourself into thinking it was a sex website ad & pretend it never happened, which I don't plan on doing. What I saw looked far from a joke and as I've said was from an old friend of my eldest son.

OP posts:
Alexa444 · 04/04/2016 20:53

I'd also like to add that if this were a thread about a 16 year old girl and a 20 year old man most if you would be all for checking her messages. OP I wouldn't say anything tbh if you have no concerns about his wellbeing. Let him come out in his own time.

coolaschmoola · 04/04/2016 20:54

Oh and fwiw - based on the types of things I see on 16 year old's phones and overhear them talking about parent's keeping a closer eye on their MINOR'S phone would be a bloody good thing. Most of you would be horrified... I frequently am.

CraigN24 · 04/04/2016 20:57

I am a gay parent myself and I wouldn't personally want someone to come to me and tell me they knew, when I was in the closest I hated the idea of the thought that someone would come and say they knew... I wanted to come out when I was ready and in my own way, he could come out in a weeks time, months time or even years but I personally would wait. It takes a lot to come out and I would respect him and wait for him

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 21:05

Thanks for your comment Craig, I really think I'd be more willing to do that if the boy was his age, I think that's what concerns me the most, especially as he's under 16 and I don't know how long this has been happening. Really, I just want to protect him and make sure he knows that he's loved. I guess from his perspective I would feel embarrassed to be confronted about it and would want to do it on my own terms, so I think you're right and maybe I should wait it out.

OP posts:
WetLettuce123 · 04/04/2016 21:07

It must be hard having that information. FWIW nearly 16 is of course young but I don't think it's that young in the context of dating a 20 year old. From your thread title I thought you may say a 40 year old. One option is to have a relatively casual conversation about a friend/ acquaintance who has just come out (make up a friend of a friend or a celebrity or something) and be really positive about it so your son knows you will be supportive and maybe will feel able to open up. He may not be ready though. It is also a good idea to talk to him about safe sex if you haven't already.

It's a hard time when our children become involved in relationships but aside from being there for him there isn't much else to do.

HicDraconis · 04/04/2016 21:07

I wouldn't care what my son thought of me going through his texts - I monitor all their internet usage and not just messaging. There have been well publicised cases of children being groomed (yes I realise this case is different) with people messaging on Kik, Whatsapp etc and not all of them have good outcomes. I intend to monitor my children's phone and internet activity until they are at least 16 (and this boy is "nearly 16", therefore 15, therefore a child).

That aside, it is also very possible for a phone to display the last few texts that have been received (my iPhone does) on the lock screen.

I would be really worried about a 15 yo involved in a flirty conversation with a 20yo. Regardless of gender, sexuality or anything else. There is a world of difference between a 15yo boy/girl still at home getting ready to sit GCSEs, and a 20yo man/woman who has been through school, left home, grown up, probably left home .... The child is very vulnerable in this situation.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 21:12

This is getting silly. Im guessing that the OP wanted to know what her son was up to so of course she read messages due to not being in the loop. She's now had it confirmed that he is sexually attracted to men.

Having a gay son they do tend to be far more sexually upfront from an early age. My DS did speak to older men too.

Jojoriley · 04/04/2016 21:13

OP - you misunderstood- I was commenting on something another poster suggested was irrefutable proof to show it wasn't. I didn't suggest what you saw was a joke or an ad. Reading messages out of context can lead to misunderstanding. My point is that the most important factor here is your relationship with your son and your worries about his activities don't trump his right to privacy. I know that's not a popular view here on MN but I think it's more likely to be your son's point of view.

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/04/2016 21:17

Do young people today think of coming out as people of our generation did/do?

20 years ago a gay teenager surely had a much harder time than a gay teenager of today does? Our children are growing up in a society where same-gender relationship is legal. No longer will a gay child have to grow up thinking they are wrong. Or weird. Or different. How wonderful Smile

Perhaps it is too late for today's 16 year olds. But looking at my teenage niece and nephew's Facebook pages no one seems to have any qualms about admitting to being all manner of types of sexuality.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 21:23

Exactly, I don't get the having to snoop to be honest. I also don't get why everyone has to pussy foot around sexual preference. I start of trying to be nice in these threads but I really want to scream why the secrecy?

Original poster
ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 21:30

Oh I completely agree with you guys, his sexual preference doesn't bother me in the slightest... just don't want to approach the situation before he's ready and make him feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/04/2016 21:34

Bloody hell, the only one who doesn't seem concerned about sexual preference is the op Hmm

I'd be very concerned because of ds's age. He is 15 (still) - how long has this been going on? That would be my concern.

I'd definitely bring it up with him. Whether he's pissed off or not about how you found out (and you seem innocent in how you found it - it was just there ffs, emblazoned!) that's besides the point. The point is he is 15. That is the concern here.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 21:34

All teens his age feel uncomfortable talking about sex. But to tell him you don't care if he's gay, bi or whatever he wants to be instead of it being a "closet" thing is the way to go.

Have a conversation with him, or tell him, whatever... of course he's probably going to tell you to mind your own business etc. but in the long run you have told him its acceptable.