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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son with older guy

129 replies

ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 19:12

Hi all, could do with an opinion or two.

I have two sons, one's 20 and at university and my other's 15, about to turn 16. Recently I found texts on youngest son's phone of a flirty nature from an older guy, this took me by surprise as he hasn't come out to me, but I did always wonder. What shocked me more was that the messages were from someone who sounded awfully familiar, turns out it's a friend of my eldest son that went to school with him.

Now the thread title may be assuming more, but either way, it seems they're quite close. I'm not cross and I love him to bits no matter what, I haven't spoken to him about it yet, but I'm wondering how to? Do I wait for him to come to me or do I sit him down and tell him that I know? If there are any members on here with gay children that have experienced this, your replies would be a great help. And AIBU to be a little worried that he's seeing this older boy? I really don't want to see him getting hurt, but maybe I should stay out of it and let him make his own mistakes? I just feel so conflicted on how to handle this!

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 21:35

I've never heard a gay guy say that he wished his parent didn't understand.

Original poster

ninaneedshelp · 04/04/2016 21:44

Lol exactly springydaffs! Don't know where those messages came from, hoping it wasn't targeted at me. Yes it's difficult and I'm still indecisive about what to do, don't want to rush into a decision and regret it, so going to leave it for a little bit I think, will probably mention it at some point though. Even if he's angry that I saw those messages, I think it's better that he knows I don't care and love him for who he is, not who he likes.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/04/2016 21:50

...and that he's 15 and you have a duty of care for a minor. Who is your son.

LifeofI · 04/04/2016 21:57

I would be pissed if i know you looked at my phone but this may be a way your son can come out to you which he obviously has been shy to do previously, after that you can solve the older boy situation which i think is wrong specially as he is one older and two your older sons friend.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 22:06

This to me is about the OP not being liberal enough to have an open conversation with her son.

The majority of 15 year olds are having sex however shocking it may seem.

Vixyboo · 04/04/2016 22:52

The majority of 15 year olds are not having sex. That is untrue. I am a youth worker and a parent. I know it may seem like every teen around is having sex but I know so many who are not.

Why don't you just ask your son if he is seeing anyone? Say you had started to wonder when he would bring a girlfriend or boyfriend home for tea and see what he says?

If you mention you looked at his phone it will not end well.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 04/04/2016 22:58

The majority of 15 year olds are not having sex ffs.

And if they're having sex, consensually, with other 15 year olds then it's not an issue.

The potential partner in the OP's case, however, is 19 or 20, not 15.

Regardless of your feelings about 15 year old not being children Vintage the law does not agree, thankfully.

15 year olds are still children, even if they may think they aren't, and the law is there to protect them.

The very recent Adam Johnson case springs to mind.

Propolis · 04/04/2016 23:00

If your son is underage and the other guy is older, I'd be worried about grooming etc. same as I would if your son was a girl (if that makes sense) Could you try and talk to him about it without letting on you read his texts?

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 23:03

Yes they are Lilac. 15 year olds are not children. The way to help them is not to snoop nor control, its to guide in an open and honest way.

EatShitDerek · 04/04/2016 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2016 23:11

The stats really do disagree with the 15 yo kids all shagging away. About a third in the UK I think have sex before 16. And that might be once or twice. And, it's certainly not with 20 yo men (or women) in every case.

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/04/2016 23:11

15 year olds are not children

Err, yes there are. In the UK. According to the law.

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 04/04/2016 23:14

My 15 year old is still a child, my 18 year old is still needing a fair bit of guidance. We had a talk from the school recently about how to parent this age group and support coming up to GCSEs etc.

It was very much based on them still being children and not treating them like adults as often they think they are at this age.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 23:16

15 year olds are pre adults. What statistics show and what is reality are two different things. Treating them like children has a very adverse effect.

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 04/04/2016 23:19

So does treating them like adults who are having consensual sexual relationships. You can still have an open relationship with your child and try to keep them safe, they are not mutually exclusive.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 23:25

They will do anyway at this age. Keeping them safe is not about spying nor snooping/laying down the law etc. its about actually having grown up conversations with them and showing them their options.

SylviaWrath · 04/04/2016 23:29

Of course 15 year olds are children. 15 us less than 18, for the dickheads suggesting otherwise.
That means adults aren't allowed to have sex with them. It would help a bit if other adults stopped making it acceptable for adults to have sex with children by pretending they aren't children.
So quit that, ffs.

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 04/04/2016 23:30

I am okay with my parenting so far, I have three teenagers and used to be a nurse who worked with this age group. I am comfortable with my way and more importantly my DC are.

I also don't think op 'snooped' and it's a shame that the thread was lost to that hijack.

missnevermind · 04/04/2016 23:31

No matter what his sexuality the age gap is a worry. Especially at that age.
As an aside when Tom Daley came out and was seen with his boyfriend I came over all motherly and thought he was too old for him. I thought he should be sharing all these firsts with a person the same age.

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 04/04/2016 23:32

Especially with the Adam Johnson case so recent, it's worrying that it's seen as so acceptable.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 04/04/2016 23:33

Fifteen is still under the age of consent.

inlawsareasses · 04/04/2016 23:38

And these responses are why adolescent males are massively at risk of grooming CSE.
How does the original poster know that the adult male has not been actively grooming her child?!

I'm astonished that people are focusing on op looking at his phone!

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 23:39

In the gay community it is common for males of a younger age to be far more graphic when using social media etc. it is also common for them to sleep with an older person rather than their own age initially.

Bluelilies · 04/04/2016 23:46

Whether or not we think that 15 year olds are children (and does it have to be black and white???), the fact is that 15/16 year olds themselves do not think they are children. My 12 year old accepts me reading her social messaging, because she accepts that she's a child. My (just) 16 year old would not accept this. In his eyes he has a right to a degree of privacy over personal parts of his life.

I would do nothing at all, OP, except encourage open discussion with your DS about relationships in general. If you tell him you've seen the text he'll think you've been snooping (regardless of whether you actually were)

You could try speaking to DS1 about it, in a general sort of way.

SylviaWrath · 04/04/2016 23:51

Its not really a matter of opinion whether they are children or not when it comes to adults having sex with them. 15 year olds are children, can't give consent, and its illegal.
It is black and white. Just as it should be.

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