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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you deal with tantrums in public?

86 replies

Amy214 · 03/04/2016 22:54

How do you deal with tantrums in public? I used to get really embarrased and just bundled up dd and ran out of there as fast as possible. Now i just let dd have her tantrum all over the floor whilst i stand back, i found that if i intervene and try and calm her down it just makes her worse and she ends up hurting herself sometimes i even tell her im leaving now goodbye and she gets up and runs after me (of course i always stay within 5 meters and i can see her) i try and ignore the whispers but i am aware of the looks and it really annoys me. Why cant people just mind their own business and get on with what they are doing?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2016 22:56

DD is past this stage but depends where I was. Library; under the arm and out. Shopping centre; let if run out.

thatstoast · 03/04/2016 23:05

Stand within a safe distance tutting at another woman so everyone judges her instead of you.

Original poster

Amy214 · 03/04/2016 23:08

I avoid libraries so i dont have to deal with it

OP posts:

sallyhasleftthebuilding · 03/04/2016 23:09

) i try and ignore the whispers but i am aware of the looks and it really annoys me. Why cant people just mind their own business and get on with what they are doing?

Do you want to know what we are thinking?

"I remember DC doing that! - Right in the middle of Tesco! "And we smile at the memory.

Not judging - just thing "Thank god we passed that stage" Nothing more

It will be your turn soon enough

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/04/2016 23:10

I always used to sit down next to DS. Even if I wasn't saying anything, it just reminded him I was there. Always tried to remember that however frustrated he was making me feel, he was feeling even bigger emotions in his smaller body and brain that he was trying to process. Staying focused on that used to help get me through.

I don't think the 'I'm leaving now' technique is very pleasant at all. Whilst I might try and offer a sympathetic smile to the parent of any child having a tantrum, seeing that would make me judge.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/04/2016 23:11

I'll get DD out of the way if she's disrupting people. TBH it doesn't happen much when we're out. Usually I say if she doesn't calm down, we're leaving, and that works.

SaucyJack · 03/04/2016 23:11

I don't do or care much really.

I have three kids. At least one of them (or me!) is kicking off about something on any given day. Whatevs.

People might have a nosy out of interest, but no one really cares*.

*except one woman about 8 years ago. Dickhead.

RubbleBubble00 · 03/04/2016 23:15

not the fist time if plonked myself down in the floor in tescos, pulled ds(4) onto my lap and bear hugged him until he calms - shop display destroyer mid tantrum.

EveryoneElsie · 03/04/2016 23:22

I used to wait until they came out of it then say 'I cant understand what you want. Can you point? Can you say one word' They quickly grasp that its not that you;re being horrible not giving them what they want, but that screaming doesnt explain the problem.

Normal people aren't judging you or thinking you're a bad parent. Its only the clueless or uber judgemental that think like that.

Original poster

Amy214 · 03/04/2016 23:27

I make sure she isnt in anyones way but if i tried to cuddle her it would make her worse. If i leave her to get her frustration out shes fine after 2 minutes until the next one in a different shop. When we're out for a walk i normally turn it into a game or a race to the next lamp post.

OP posts:

eightbluebirds · 03/04/2016 23:33

Really voldys? Because most people I know have things to be doing/people to see/other children to tend to and don't have the time to pander to every tantrum. Don't get me wrong, I get your view point but it seems very PFB to me.

I just distract or get a move on. It used to embarrass me but meh. I smile sympathetically at parents now.

PiperChapstick · 03/04/2016 23:34

I do the same OP as I've found that trying to calm her only both gets us more cross. I'm aware I look like I'm doing fuck all about my misbehaving child though. Never mind. I'll stand over and wait for her to finish (and ask if she's finished tantrumming so I can talk to her), and then we make friends.

It's so hard. It's by far the hardest part of parenting for me (how to discipline them)

gandalf456 · 03/04/2016 23:34

Deal with it how you want and how it works for you. Many use your technique. It is not mean. Trying to get a child to come willingly in that state is impossible and picking them up kicking and screaming can hurt both mother and child. Sometimes you have to make to go so they'll follow and you need a change of scene to get them out of the tantrum

Original poster

Amy214 · 04/04/2016 00:32

I also look like im doing nothing aswell but i find it safer for her to let it out and then continue with our day. Shes fine afterwards. It just gets stressful sometimes when you have a screaming toddler and it feels like theres tons of people staring when in reality no ones looking.

OP posts:

catsinthecraddle · 04/04/2016 00:42

One of mine used to cry and get really really upset when confronted by a tantrumy stranger. Our house is anything but quiet thanks to his siblings, but screams and loud crying really upset him. So I am afraid it does annoy me massively when WE had to leave because a parent just leave the kid on the floor for everybody to enjoy the noise.

If a kid has a tantrum and the parent is dealing with it, fair enough. When the parent just ignores it, keep on going and disturb everybody else, yes I judge. I am biting my tongue as I have some manners, but don't expect sympathy from me.

I never let mine having a screaming fit in public, they might have started, but I have always stopped them.

paxillin · 04/04/2016 00:43

Carry child outside the shop or library. Home if close enough, nearby public space if not. Then wait. Go back in as if nothing happened. Once attention span and memory was longer than that of a gnat over 3, talk about it afterwards.

Remind self that other people watching are mostly thinking thank god I'm past that.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 04/04/2016 01:43

I saw a dad deal with a little girls tantrum in a cafe a few days ago. He delt with it fab but the amount of horrid look and tuts he was getting was awful. I actually turned to one women and said "you know you are not helping don't you tutting like that".
She turned round red faced pretty quick (hate the passive aggressive tut)

ThomasRichard · 04/04/2016 01:55

It depends entirely on the situation. 3yo DD had an hour-long public tantrum on Friday and I just sat down and let her get on with it, offering comfort as I saw the opportunity arise. If we had been in a hurry, it had been a quiet or unsafe place or I hadn't had someone there to take DS while I looked after DD then I would have scooped her up and carried her.

Juanbablo · 04/04/2016 03:07

Ds2 frequently has tantrums in the school playground as he wants to run on the flowerbeds/go in with his brother and sister or just not walk the way I need to go. I usually just pick him up and leave if the big ones have gone in.

If I have time I will just let him get on with it.

Janecc · 04/04/2016 04:10

you are doing a great job!

Daffodil90 · 04/04/2016 04:56

There was a guy in my shop once who took the leaving thing literally.
I had to look after his unconsolably crying DD who said he'd gone to catch the train without her.
I get shopping centre security on it as in my eyes he'd abandoned her (he'd previously been watching her from afar and id clocked him) and they found him. Coming back into the centre from the train station! A good ten mins walk away!!

Sounds like you're doing fine OP! Carry on, all is well and for the end of the day for you

pickledparsnip · 04/04/2016 05:33

Dollymixture how did the dad handle it? Am intrigued.

OP I usually just picked up my boy and walked home if poss. He generally felt better when away from lots of people. I ended up getting over the embarrassment (sort of) and just blocking out everyone around me.

pickledparsnip · 04/04/2016 05:33

Remember, it doesn't last forever (thank fuck)!

honkinghaddock · 04/04/2016 06:09

If you are in a quiet place I think you need to be aware that other people ( like ds who has severe sensory issues due to asd) may become very distressed by the noise and so if they are small enough to be moved, it would be considerate to take them out.

honkinghaddock · 04/04/2016 06:14

If ds is having a meltdown I always remove him (push him along as he is too big to carry) to somewhere he will feel safe so either his sn buggy or the car because he won't calm down around other people.

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