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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with tantrums in public?

86 replies

Amy214 · 03/04/2016 22:54

How do you deal with tantrums in public? I used to get really embarrased and just bundled up dd and ran out of there as fast as possible. Now i just let dd have her tantrum all over the floor whilst i stand back, i found that if i intervene and try and calm her down it just makes her worse and she ends up hurting herself sometimes i even tell her im leaving now goodbye and she gets up and runs after me (of course i always stay within 5 meters and i can see her) i try and ignore the whispers but i am aware of the looks and it really annoys me. Why cant people just mind their own business and get on with what they are doing?

OP posts:
Beth2511 · 04/04/2016 07:44

My 16 month old completely non verbal dd has started tantruming. Im 3 months oregnant so darent risk carrying her mid kicking/throwing herself about so i ignore her for 30 seconds, then distract. Once calm i give a kiss and cuddle.

According to one old lady she is quite a funny tantrumer to watch... No idea what she means

notasillysausage · 04/04/2016 08:10

Cats, please share how you stopped your child from having a full on screaming fit before it got started? If it was as easy as you seem to imply then there wouldn't be countless threads, books etc on how to deal with it.

Perhaps those parents are ignoring their child as they know from experience that is the quickest way for their child to snap out of the tantrum.

shrunkenhead · 04/04/2016 08:14

Dd is past the lie on the floor tantrums now but we would always walk away (providing she was safe, not in anyone's way or in a library) but obviously keep her in view. I think supernanny recommended it so that a) you teach them it's not acceptable b)no one wants to be around then when they are behaving ridiculously and c)means you can calm down and not escalate the problem oh and d)it's quite pointless trying to reason with them when they're screaming/crying/thrashing about as they are not in the the right mental state and can't hear you!

SavoyCabbage · 04/04/2016 08:20

I used to read a small book on flags I carried in my bag. A Collins Gem it might have been.

Not if it was in a cafe or somewhere like that.

yorkshapudding · 04/04/2016 08:44

Watching with interest as I was about to post a similar thread myself following a meltdown in the supermarket yesterday. I was so aware of being 'watched' and irrationally worried that people would think I was handling the situation badly.

When DD (2) has a strop at home I can usually distract her before it develops into a full blown tantrum. When that doesn't work (sometimes I can tell she has just lost the plot completely and nothing I say or do will prevent it) I've found that ignoring her completely is the best way to go as she gets bored and calms down really quickly. Trying to reason with her/negotiate/comfort her just escalates the situation.

I've found its not so easy in public though. If you ignore in public then it looks like you can't be bothered to parent your child and you risk ruining other people's enjoyment of whatever setting you're in. Sometimes its just easier to pick them up and carry them out but what if you're in a supermarket halfway through your weekly shop? Yesterday, I seriously considered abandoning my half full trolley and marching her out of there to get away from all the gawping strangers who apparently had never seen a tantrumming todder before and were fascinated! I know it's pointless worrying about what other people think but I find it so difficult.

Chinks123 · 04/04/2016 08:56

Under the arm and outside if it's a bad tantrum, maybe it looks harsh to some people but if it's a busy place (the doctors surgery a couple of weeks ago and she had a complete very loud meltdown) I tried first to calm her down, she was having none of it. Obviously the surgery was packed and silent, so I picked her up and dealt with it outside away from the stares.

If it's a supermarket or somewhere I can't really leave I let it play out, get down to her level and talk to her quietly and she will calm down. We're getting fewer paddies these days though thank the Lord!

Chinks123 · 04/04/2016 09:00

And ignore starers, yes you get the occasional tutter who was/is obviously the worlds best parent but 99% are sympathetic or just Abit nosy Grin I also find ignoring in public is hard to do as you get "look at that just ignoring that poor child while she's screaming"

Youarentkiddingme · 04/04/2016 09:09

Sounds like you are handling it great if it works!

Sometimes I think when other parents are watching it's a bit of empathy and sometimes a bit of watching to see what you do and if it works - so tip stealing!

ThomasRichard · 04/04/2016 09:16

I did whip out the Kindle on Friday. I probably got judged for that but who cares?

Jojoriley · 04/04/2016 09:18

I have a friend who has 2 ds (7&5) . She is very ambitious for them - after school activities most days - tuition etc. When I see them at (rare) gatherings - end of term parties etc or occasionally alone I find both these ds really trying company. They constantly need adult direction and seem incapable of socialising with other kids. I realise that they never have play dates and don't ever have friends back to their house. Is this unusual? AIBU to think it's not fair on them to not have the chance to make their own friends?

splendide · 04/04/2016 09:23

This happened for the first time to me yesterday. Was quite a shock - he's 17 months and threw an absolute paddy in the middle of town because he didn't want to get back in his buggy. It was like trying to deal with a giant furious banana - he went completely rigid but bent in such a way that I couldn't really lift him and certainly couldn't fold him into his buggy.

Luckily we saw a doggy so that distracted him. I assume they just do it once and that's it out their system, yes?

Jojoriley · 04/04/2016 09:29

I'm usually thinking 'I know how you feel ' both embarrassed mum and furious child. It's like a car crash though- you can't expect people to look away- all you can do is stop minding about it.

witsender · 04/04/2016 09:32

If I see a tantrum, I am thinking either "this too will pass", or "there by the grace" that it isn't my turn!

Mine rarely tantrummed, but like others I tended to just sit next to them, pat their back and make sympathetic noises.

YoJesse · 04/04/2016 09:34

Ugh, it's horrible isn't it?
Like most other posters have said, if he tantrums in a quiet or grown up place like a cafe he gets hoiked under my arm and out we go. If it's on the bus or in the street I try to reason with him or distract him but Ds is quite spirited Grin and this usually won't work..... So I have to leave him to it and get more and more embarrassed looking like another younger parent getting it wrong! (That's just my feeling in the moment, I'm not actually that young but look quite young for my age). Apart from a few tuts, people have actually been really nice to me when he goes mad and say things like 'just stick to your guns love' and 'we've all been there'.

I know it feels like everyone's judging but I think most people are just reminiscing of their own toddler years. Hang in there!

Sandsnake · 04/04/2016 09:53

DS is only 5 months so haven't had experience of dealing with tantrums yet. I have nothing but sympathy for parents dealing with them in public, especially as I know that will be me in a couple of years!

I have a question regarding tantrum 'etiquette'. DS and I go to a Rhyme Time event at the local library. The last two times we've been the same child (I'd guess he is three, maybe four) has thrown a massive, very loud tantrum. His mother has dealt with it very calmly and I've felt so sorry for her as there are a lot of other parents there so it's very public. However, she has been trying to calm the child but not removing him - which has really interrupted the session for everyone else (think 15 minutes of screaming). I'm really torn between feeling sorry for the woman (my sister was an AWFUL tantrum thrower and my Mum was great with her so realise that there's often nothing you can do) and some annoyance that the session is being disrupted so badly. What is the 'right' course of action in this situation?

honkinghaddock · 04/04/2016 10:30

I think if a child is screaming for that long and you are physically able to remove them (sometimes not possible with an older child), then you should remove them. Ds wouldn't have coped with being in the room with that level and length of noise.

TimeToMuskUp · 04/04/2016 10:44

DS2 is 5. 5 years old and had a tantrum this weekend in a supermarket at the checkout because he couldn't fit all the stuff he wanted to in his bag. I'd naively assumed we were past the tantrum age as he's not had one for ages but nope, he went for it. And right behind me was the head of governors at the school he attends (and where I work).

I squatted down in front of him and quietly asked "do you want to carry on shoutng or shall I help you?" and he shut up. It worked though because he was frustrated and able to see that I could help him. For younger children/irrational tantrums you often have no hope of talking them round.

When he was smaller in situations like the one Sandsnake describes I'd have done the rugby-ball-under-the-arm-style lift and left the room. It's unfair to have a small child screeching and yawping in the middle of an activity. I also would remove them if we were in a restaurant because, again, it's not fair to everyone else to have to listen to it.

Not judging, though. Mine have both had moments of utter bellendry, so I smile sympathetically when I see others going through it.

paxillin · 04/04/2016 11:30

Love the description rugby-ball-under-arm. That's what I did. Baring sn, tantrummers are usually small enough to do that. Bit inconsiderate to have everybody in the restaurant, library, shop etc sit through it, they've all had their share when theirs were young.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/04/2016 11:57

I did the whole 'pretending to walk away' thing.
Worked for me.
You do what works for you. You know your DC the best.
Ignore all the judgey people.
When I see something like this I just smile sympathetically at the parent and am just thankful that I am well and truly passed all that crap.
It will stop eventually.
You're doing great.

BadDoGooder · 04/04/2016 12:29

I have a system in my head....
A bit like the met office yellow/amber/red warnings, you take appropiate action for the level of tantrum
Yellow tantrum (frustration normally)= distract "ooh look a pigeon"/talking down/ getting him to explain, rather than shouting etc.
Amber tantrum (eg he's not allowed something) = explain, then walk away a little, if it truly is just an amber level, he'll shut up and run after me....however......

These sometimes turn into full on, red threat level, completely unreasonable hurricanes of screaming and writhing, then I take him away from busy/stressful areas, sit v close to him (but not close enough to cop a foot or fist....lesson learned there!) and just ride it out.
I learnt long ago, that when he is in full meltdown, cuddling, hugging or even speaking to him just seems to whop up even further fury, so just ignore ignore ignore......

Oh and then drink some Wine Grin

Original poster
Amy214 · 04/04/2016 12:45

I can't wait for this stage to be over.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 04/04/2016 13:30

No. It is awful but you do forget. Mine are 7 and 11 (nearly 12). My eldest is going into the teenage tantrum mode which is just as fun as she's more articulate now, too, and don't I know about it!!

I never worked out a way to switch them off and am always amazed that passers by seem to think that we can. There are better and worse ways of dealing with them but it's trial and error. Different things work for different children and some days something might work and then it will stop. If they're determined to have a tantrum, they'll bloody well have one. It is best to remove a child if disruptive but there were circumstances where I wouldn't - i.e. when I really needed to do something (such as pay for shopping). I also think it is averybadthing to teach them that their tantrums will stop you dead in your tracks because that's given them too much control and you are the adult etc, etc. I diid get to the point with both of them where I avoided going out with them for a while unless it was the park etc.

Original poster
Amy214 · 04/04/2016 20:13

I will remove her if we are in a restaurant, cafe or library but i hardly go to these places just to avoid the tantrums. I just ignore her if we're in a shopping centre but i am a young parent so people look at me as if im clueless but we all have to learn one way or another. If we are in a shopping centre and shes tired of walking she could have about 4-5 tantrums before i decide enough is enough and we go home.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 04/04/2016 20:16

We don't ignore tantrums here (either at home or out) as they escalate if we do. So I deal with them the same way wherever we are. I remove her from the situation, either take her outside or to a quiet corner, either hold her close to me, or come down to her level and quietly but firmly talk to her about whatever the problem is, and what can and can't be done to solve it. Then we work out a solution, have a cuddle and carry on.

DancingDinosaur · 04/04/2016 20:28

I ignore the tantrums and walk away. Its the most effective way of putting a stop to it for my youngest. I've tried the sitting next to, the discussion, and the moving the child away, and each of those inteventions simply prolongs it. So now I only move dc if he is presenting a physical danger to himself and others.

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