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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He is your Child's father not some sort of hired help!

110 replies

ConfuciousSayWhat · 03/04/2016 21:54

If I see one more person referring to their other half as 'babysitting' or 'looking after' their child I think I may let out a little rage noise! He's the Child's father. His role is that of a parent. If you're poorly you shouldn't be thanking him for stepping in to look after said child, he should be doing it because it's what he signed up for when he got you pregnant!

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but it's been annoying me for a while now

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 03/04/2016 21:56

Yanbu

I get shocked at all the 'he really helps out' type posts.

Sad some people actually live like that.

amazingtracy · 03/04/2016 21:57

What would you think of the enlightening Dublin phrase "Who is she having the baby for?"

PPie10 · 03/04/2016 21:58

Yanbu, I blame the woman enabling this though.

ceeveebee · 03/04/2016 22:00

Posted a pic on Facebook today of me and a friend enjoying a cocktail on a rare child free afternoon and got one comment of "who's looking after the kids?". Er, their fathers. And would anyone ever ask that question if it had been a photo of my DH enjoying a pint with his mates??

sandgrown · 03/04/2016 22:00

I totally agree. Relatives in town tonight who invited us to meet up for tea. DP and DS wanted to watch footie so they declined. I warned I would not be cooking on my return. DS(13) was worried he would go hungry so I his dad encouraged him to come but he said no. I was feeling slightly guilty but then I thought well his dad can feed him . Guess what he didn't!

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2016 22:01

I understand what you're saying OP.

Although the phrase 'he got you pregnant' makes me cringe too. As far as I know, it takes two people to do that

pointythings · 03/04/2016 22:01

YAsoNBU. I have never understood this. My DH has never 'helped' with our DDs. He has been their parent as much as I have. He has changed nappies, taken days of leave to look after them when they were ill, helped with homework, cuddled them and put them to bed. He is their father, it's what he does and he would not have it any other way. Even now that they are teenage girls and more or less an alien species to him, he really tried to empathise with them and support them in everything.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2016 22:08

yanbu

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 22:10

YADNBU.

Read the Twitter thread: ManWhoHasItAll, it's brilliant,making a mockery of this kind of nonsense.

"I'm so lucky, my wife is hands on with the kids, even changing dirty nappies once in a while!" Etc.

Leapling · 03/04/2016 22:13

YANBU! I hate this! Worse when the mum posts photos of children and dad with the caption 'daddy day care'.

My MIL will always pass my baby back to me and say 'he needs feeding/changing mummy' rather than pass to DH. And if DH does step in she'll say 'oh it's great he helps you with baby'. So irritating!

Cookingongas · 03/04/2016 22:14

Yanbu re: babysitting. Neither I nor dp babysits our children.

But looking after is not a bad thing surely? "I'll look after the dc while you nap dp" "mind the dds while I bath dp!" Surely it'd be weird to say "parent your children while I bathe dp!" And outright offensive if he said that to you! Not offensive but a way of co parenting?

Youarentkiddingme · 03/04/2016 22:22

Hamburg.

cooking I laughed really hard at "parent your child whilst I have a bath"

ProbablyMe · 03/04/2016 22:24

YANBU. I wish my exH had realised this at some point though as he always acted like he was doing me a favour whenever he had our dc's. Fortunately my DP does get it and the "babysitting" line really gets his goat.

catsinthecraddle · 03/04/2016 22:29

YANBU, as far as parenting is for both parent equally. Normal fathers don't even do anything special if the mum is poorly, they spend normal time with their kids, how weird to "step up" obviously when they are not at work, don't blame dads because paternal leave is shorter than maternity leave!

but YABU about the "babysitting" or "looking after" depending on the context. I use them all the time. Sometimes it's quicker to say, "no I can't, I am babysitting" than going on a long winded "No I can't, the father of my child is not home tonight so I have to stay home with the kids who are too young to be left alone and I don't have any childcare".

Muskateersmummy · 03/04/2016 22:31

I completely agree about the babysitting thing. The phrase drives me nuts. But I don't think it's a bad thing to say thank you to the other parent every once in a while. Dh is with our dd this weekend so I can go out for the day, I will say thank you to him for doing so, but it's even, when he goes away, he always says thank you to me for holding the fort. Same as saying thank you to the other person when they have cooked dinner. It just shows appreciation.

jeremyisahunt · 03/04/2016 22:33

He's a hero, a hands-on dad...

lorelei9here · 03/04/2016 22:36

I have a colleague who says this about his son eg "I was babysitting at the weekend"

Well he did say it...

After a few instances of me saying "oh that's nice of you, do you often babysit fir friends, do you belong to a babysitting circle", he seems to have stopped

lorelei9here · 03/04/2016 22:37

Amazing, that phrase is truly terrifying. Not a popular one I hope?!

Tiggywinkler · 03/04/2016 22:39

Yup.

I'm supposed to fall to my knees in thanks for my husband's willingness to split tasks equally, according to my MIL. Personally I just think she's envious that she brought up 3 under 3 with a chauvinist pig of a husband and I've a more balanced relationship with her son.

BippityBoppity · 03/04/2016 22:42

I can confirm that it's quite common Lorelei - when I was expecting DC 1+2 I was asked a few times who I was having the baby 'for'.

Pilgit · 03/04/2016 22:44

Gives me the rage as well. I had an interesting run in with a dick at work who asked me what happened to my children when I was in so early. I wanted to deadpan "they have keys and no major roads to cross to get to nursery/school". What I actually did was look at him in a non plussed way and said "they have 2 parents". Cue awkward silence. I loathe this attitude. He thought he was making polite conversation and got offended at my shirty attitude.

CumbrianExile · 03/04/2016 22:48

This reminds me of when I was pregnant with ds, I posted a facebook status along the lines of ' just bought my season ticket for xxxx'. Most of the comments initially were ' who is going to look after baby while you're at the match'. When dh said he would be obviously he got so much praise for babysitting his as yet unborn son. Unbelievable!

herecomethepotatoes · 04/04/2016 04:07

"He thought he was making polite conversation and got offended at my shirty attitude"

He was making polite conversation but at least you admit your attitude was shirty.
My OH and I talk about each other babysitting. It's simply used as opposed to us doing things together as a family.

"Although the phrase 'he got you pregnant' makes me cringe too."

Well, you didn't get yourself pregnant. You didn't get him pregnant...
_

Of course households should be equal but people base their outlook on thier own experience and on what makes a 'typical' situation. More than 2m SAHM vs 230,000 fathers.

I currently make more than my OH (also works full time) and childcare etc are 50:50 as are household chores. When I had time off work when our children were born, I didn't expect them to be up in the middle of the night for a feed when they were getting up early and would be professionally judged based on their performance at work.

I got a drunken but well-meant thanks from DH friends when I babysat and let him go on a big night out last month. Should I have been offended?

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 04/04/2016 04:10

Agree with Worra. I detest that very passive fatalistic attitude that horrid men 'get' poor defenceless women pregnant and the women themselves have no hand in it or any control over it.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 04/04/2016 04:11

In the UK and developed countries, obviously, not in the developing world where women are denied BC and the right to say no to sex.

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