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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is your Child's father not some sort of hired help!

110 replies

ConfuciousSayWhat · 03/04/2016 21:54

If I see one more person referring to their other half as 'babysitting' or 'looking after' their child I think I may let out a little rage noise! He's the Child's father. His role is that of a parent. If you're poorly you shouldn't be thanking him for stepping in to look after said child, he should be doing it because it's what he signed up for when he got you pregnant!

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but it's been annoying me for a while now

OP posts:
MyCrispBag · 04/04/2016 07:47

Back when I had first my oldest son his Dad was on the phone to a friend and said "I can't, I am babysitting later". I flipped my fucking lid.

14 years later my husband pinpoints it as the moment he truly realised he was a Father.

To be fair to him even prior to his unfortunate turn of phrase he had been a hands on parent. Now we have 2 and he is the primary carer and I am a primary earner.

KittyandTeal · 04/04/2016 07:47

I say 'looking after' as in 'I can't come I've got dd1 to look after' or 'yes I can some, DH will look after dd1'

As in its my turn of phrase to describe parenting dd1. My DH doesn't babysit though, he has dd1.

I do realise I'm lucky to have it the way it should be, equal. We both have equal time to do our own stuff and time together as a family. We both do house stuff, he probably does more but then I work part time to look after dd1 so I do more 'child care' iykwim.

StealthPolarBear · 04/04/2016 07:51

Yes throwing I've noticed that s lot. That said they're usually right :(

ohtheholidays · 04/04/2016 07:59

Your right OP they aren't babysitting they're DC.

But for some women that is how the men they are with treat looking after they're own children sadly.

And to the poster I blame the women,you have no idea!For some of those women it's one of the signs that they're in abusive relationship/marriage.
I know because I was one of those women and it was an abusive marriage!

No one would choose to be with someone that treats anything that they do as though they're doing the other adult a favour whilst the other adult is expected to do everything because it's they're job.Unfortunately some men don't show they're true colours until the women they're with has had they're children.I know that was true for me and my first marriage.

overthehillandroundthemountain · 04/04/2016 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceeveebee · 04/04/2016 08:09

We both tend to say 'I've got the kids' or 'I'm on kiddie duty"

Chinks123 - does anyone ever ask your male colleagues who is looking after their kids when they have to work late?

ClarkL · 04/04/2016 08:39

As long as my husband is classed as 'helping out with the kids' 'babysitting' or 'being hands on' I point out that I am 'helping out with the bills' or 'working'
We're not in the 50's anymore and if I have to work as opposed to be a SAHM then I suggest the fellas also drop the 50's attitude of baby with Mum

Eustace2016 · 04/04/2016 08:44

If in the 1960s my father could be an equal parent I don't see why men today cannot be. In fact many are. I assume men at work as as likely to have childcare responsibilities as women actually these days.

MoonriseKingdom · 04/04/2016 08:58

I don't see the problem with 'look after'. I really agree with what you are saying about parenting your child being a basic expectation.

My DH looks after our DD 2 days a week while I work. I look after her on days when he is working. When we are both their we do a pretty even share of the parenting. While I have had awful morning sickness he has done a lot more than 50% while we are both there.

We are lucky that our working lives fit around each other and so we don't have child care costs. I'd be very annoyed if anyone implied I was lucky that he 'helped out'.

CombineBananaFister · 04/04/2016 09:00

I also dislike the 'we are pregnant' announcements. Nooooo, she is pregnant, it is not physically possible for you to be, but you are both expecting a baby.

Am surprised by the comments on here highlighting the disparity between childcare/chores in couples, pretty sad really. My DH does all the cooking in our house because he gets home before me and he is a chef so 'tis easy and enjoyable for him. This makes him an absolute God in my MIL and DMs books. I do all the DIY and cleaning and apparently that just makes me 'weird' in their eyes. Stereotypes all good and well here.

VashtaNerada · 04/04/2016 09:04

YANBU! I've not heard this from parents though, only from those who haven't had DC and seem to have a 1950s image of parenting stuck in their subconscious. If a father told me he was babysitting, I would assume he meant someone else's children.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/04/2016 09:08

I agree op but so many men still brought up to be waited on by their wives.

MIL said to dh once " I know you work hard, and help out in the garden AND THE HOUSE and with the dc"

FFS Angry

KatharinaRosalie · 04/04/2016 09:10

I was on a work trip, it's a male dominated industry. As I was pregnant, everybody of course asked if it's the first. No, second, I said, already have a 1-year old.

  • So where is he?
  • At home, with his dad. (he was a SAHD)
  • And you're not worried, leaving them alone like that??

They were most perplexed when I pointed out that most of them had kids. At home, with their wives. Were they worried about leaving them 'alone' and that the wife won't manage?

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/04/2016 09:22

I could get worked up about this if I didn't talk about myself like that too,. But since I do I don't think it necessarily does indicate a view of fathers as hired help compared to women as the 'real' or responsible parent. Though the idea that fathers are somehow less capable of or responsible for care of their children does annoy the fuck out of me.

seafoodeatit · 04/04/2016 09:25

YANBU but so many women seem to put up with quite shocking behaviour, I can never fully understand why people say 'oh my dh has never changed a nappy, woken up in the night with baby etc but it's just how men are' .

queenoftheuniverse · 04/04/2016 09:32

yanbu

you do not baby sit your OWN child

no one ever describes it as "baby sitting" when the MUM is looking after her own kids do they Angry

Anniegetyourgun · 04/04/2016 09:33

Thinking about it, it's a bit of an impertinent question really. Whose damned business is it how you've sorted your childcare? Why on earth do they need to know? If you haven't sorted it to their satisfaction what do they plan to do about it? I wonder if it would eventually die out as a part of conversation if it always got the response "Why do you ask?" - as IMO it should. Say it politely by all means, if they are only making mindless conversation as I expect most are. Hopefully it will make some think.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/04/2016 09:48

Yanbu! I even know, in this day and age, women who need to ask their mums to babysit as the 'father' won't.

Eustace2016 · 04/04/2016 09:52

Katharina, that is exactly what we all should say and indeed do say - - to men - who is looking after your child, will you go back to work when its born, are you taking the new split parental leave etc. It is why I like the term "working father" as it balances with working mother. Even in the 1980s my children's father found our childare and in the 1960s my father did every night feed for my bottle fed siblings as he was better at getting up in the night than my mother who by the way had kept him on her wages for 10 years in the 1950s whilst he qualified as a doctor.

queenoftheuniverse · 04/04/2016 09:57

Yanbu! I even know, in this day and age, women who need to ask their mums to babysit as the 'father' won't

so do I lois!

why the fuck these women stay with these sort of "men" I will never know

Bikey86 · 04/04/2016 10:04

Its craziness but I don't see this attidtude changing anytime soon.
When DS was born I remember my DH changing several nappies whilst his family were visiting MIL and SIL marvelled at how he was such a 'hands on' dad. Hmm Funny enough he didn't change as many nappies when he didn't have an audience!!!

FruityDelicious · 04/04/2016 10:06

It does go both ways, I've seen plenty of women refer to caring for their own child as child minding and even posts telling them to bill their husbands as they are doing what a nanny would.

Neith parent is a nanny, childminder or baby sitter to their own child. They are just parenting.

Pinkheart5915 · 04/04/2016 10:08

I agree, I hate in then people say oh dh is babysitting today. He's not babysitting his being a parent!

TheCrumpettyTree · 04/04/2016 10:09

I do wonder why some men have children when they don't seem to want to do any parenting.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/04/2016 10:14

Eustace that's what I did when I returned from my respective maternity leaves. Whenever someone was wringing their hands that I'm back already and oh those poor kiddos, I pointed out that don't they have small children themselves, and how much paternitly leave did they take exactly? Or if it was a woman asking, asked if they told the same to my male colleague next door, who came back after 2 days?