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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is your Child's father not some sort of hired help!

110 replies

ConfuciousSayWhat · 03/04/2016 21:54

If I see one more person referring to their other half as 'babysitting' or 'looking after' their child I think I may let out a little rage noise! He's the Child's father. His role is that of a parent. If you're poorly you shouldn't be thanking him for stepping in to look after said child, he should be doing it because it's what he signed up for when he got you pregnant!

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but it's been annoying me for a while now

OP posts:
kickassangel · 04/04/2016 04:17

Actually, if people making inane chatter come out with sexist tropes like that then a bit of a short reply is a pretty light reposte.

Did he think that the mum had walked out the door and forgotten about her kids? Would he have asked the same of a father turning up early?

I can't always be bothered to pick up every single little thing, but if I have the energy then yes, I'll point out a blatantly sexist comment. And I don't feel the need to be polite about it, just as I wouldn't if I heard something racist or disablist.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 04/04/2016 04:33

I have got this a lot recently. My husband has just started a new job working three days a week and I am going to be working 5 days as of next week. I have lost count of the people that have said to me who is going to have DS those extra two days you are working. Er his dad Hmm. I usually get one of these three following replies-
"Oh he is good"
"What will you do if he is busy?"
"No I meant what are you going to do about getting your DS looked after" Hmm.
DH is also getting fed up of asking if he will be able to cope.
My MIL also told us not to make it common knowledge that I am going to be the main breadwinner as people might not understand.
My mum can't see how I could possibly leave my DS for five day without other people looking after him
I could go on Hmm

Janecc · 04/04/2016 04:51

Get where you are coming from. However there are still many men, who come home from work especially if partner/wife is a sahm and consider themselves 'off duty. It doesn't hurt to be grateful and thankful and will encourage the man to repeat said task - there's studies online about doing this with dog training techniques (ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the good behaviour like mad). The husbands didn't know they were test subjects and it was good for their relationships. My husband comes home from time to time with flowers or sends me a nice text thanking me for being a great mum, when he goes out, he thanks me for looking after our child and making it possible for him to go out with his friends. This is the same thing however it is worded.
I can survive all the above with equanimity. However I hate that my mother addresses letters to me with my husband's initials. Instead of Mrs J X xxxxxxx. It's Mrs DH DH DH xxxxxxx. I am female and inferior according to my mother, who has the emotional maturity of a 2 yr old. Not in my house love. Grrrrrr.

NinjaLeprechaun · 04/04/2016 05:02

"Although the phrase 'he got you pregnant' makes me cringe too."
It's a million times better than "you got yourself pregnant." As if he had nothing to do with it at all.

iamEarthymama · 04/04/2016 05:11

But it's not about saying thank you for nice gestures is it? Hopefully as polite and caring people we do that as part of our normal behaviour.

It's about being expected to be grateful to your child's other parent for well, parenting them. As if their testicles make it extra hard for them to well, parent.

Caprinihahahaha · 04/04/2016 06:05

I ignored bad behaviour and praised the good behaviour with my toddler and with my dog.
If I had to do that with my adult husband I think it might just have stopped me ever wanting to have sex with him ever again.

ohforfoxsake · 04/04/2016 06:24

YABU.

My DCs DF is little more than a glorified babysitter. Actually not even glorified. He will only look after the DCs at my house, he doesn't cook for them, doesn't get them to bed, ignores them so he can watch TV, drinks my wine, helps himself to my food and only looks after them when I ask him to, never voluntarily. I'm surprised he doesn't sneak his gf in and shag on my sofa.

Actually my paid babysitter is far better at taking care of the children than their father is. At least she'll empty the dishwasher.

figginz · 04/04/2016 06:38

I deflect. If people say "oh, where is dd" I reply "dd who? Oh no! I forgot all about her!". Usually gets a laugh.

ohforfoxsake · 04/04/2016 06:40

I also think YABU for making this the fault of the mother. In our case their DF is merely a babysitter so it's accurate and I am not responsible for his crapness.

curren · 04/04/2016 06:54

'Baby sitting' doesn't bother me. As I'll say to dh 'you go I'll baby sit'. It's a phrase I use for whoever is looking after the kids.

But dh is as much a parent to our kids as I am. I don't do the majority of childcare. So phrases aren't an issue.

I do hate when people ask 'who has the kids'. I do a hobby on and evening my kids do the same hobby. And one bloke asked me if I had left my 10 year old in charge of my 4 year old and that that wasn't right. When I responded their father was with him he replied with 'your lucky that he has them so you can do this'. Me and the other adults laughed at him. I just responded with 'lucky that their dad looks after them, well I didn't get pregnant on my own did i'

Shockingly he leaves me alone now.
It's not unusual in my circle of friends to have very hands on dads.

My mil also told me how lucky I was that dh does so much with the kids. I didn't need to say anything as dh was so shocked, since his dad was extremely hands on. Did more care than her. He told her straight that they are his kids, I wasn't lucky and that he only does what all dads should be doing.

I do find attitudes are very different to when I was little.

Plateofcrumbs · 04/04/2016 06:54

I do sometimes use the phrase 'babysitting' to mean 'being at home with DC whilst the other partner is out' but that applies equally to me and DH.

I do get the general point though and one thing I was discussing with friends recently is that even when DH is looking after the DC, I feel I have delegated a responsibility, but I still feel ultimately responsible. I don't think DH feels that responsibility in the same way, even though he does a fair share.

GreenRug · 04/04/2016 06:55

Yanbu. Was watching some old realistic relocation programme yesterday and the mum had to get a weekend job to help make ends meet. She said something like 'yeah so DAD's got to look after them at the weekends!' (followed by much hilarity- CAN you just IMAGINE it, a father looking at after his kids!? Shocking!) Gives me the rage.

hesterton · 04/04/2016 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpettyTree · 04/04/2016 07:09

'We' are pregnant is much worse. No, the woman is pregnant. You're both expecting a baby.

Yanbu though. You can't babysit your own child.

possum18 · 04/04/2016 07:15

YANBU best friend recently had a baby and she asked 'd'p if he minded if we popped out for a coffee and he said 'I'm not fucking babysitting'! Errrrr what!?

Ditsy4 · 04/04/2016 07:16

Since I joined Mumsnet I have been surprised at the attitude of many posters. YANBU ! My children are grown up and I expected my DH to look after them, feed, change nappies then. I was a SAHM most of the time ( squeezing in looking after someone's holiday home, working a few hours for my dad etc) but I expected him to do some of it otherwise what is the point of having kids.
He did get a bit of a shock when I expected him to look after 11 week old DD while I finished my college course. He has a strange work pattern which enabled him to help out. His mother was horrified even though DD was number four. She expected me to " Give up all that nonsense!" Training for a job I am still in.
I can't believe woman still saying "babysitting" he's looking after his own child!

Cerseirys · 04/04/2016 07:22

YADNBU OP, it's one of my pet peeves too. Babysitting is what you do with other people's children, not your own.

See also people telling me I'm lucky because DP does his fair share with childcare. No, I'm not "lucky", that's the way it should always be and I wouldn't expect anything less from a man!

Throwingshadeagain · 04/04/2016 07:23

YANBU but to be fair I've never seen the 'babysitting' reference on Mumsnet - in RL yes far too many times and it's infuriating!

There are still lots of assumptions on MN about traditional roles between men and women though. When it comes to relationship threads or threads about domestic situations people naturally assume a) the man works out of the home and b) he is the main wage earner (particularly in threads about marriage breakdown, posters seem to unanimously assume the woman needs to fight the husband for money/make sure he doesn't stiff her).

ImaginaryCat · 04/04/2016 07:27

OP, can I ask you to explain your dislike of the phrase "looking after" and give an alternative. Because today DP has taken the day off work and is looking after our girls, then on Friday I've taken the day off and am looking after them. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with saying that. Surely it's if he's NOT looking after them that we have a problem.

overthehillandroundthemountain · 04/04/2016 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeautifulLiar · 04/04/2016 07:29

I totally with this BUT I do think DH does well to cope with our four week old sometimes. She's fully breastfed which was my choice so there's only so much he can do for her.

Chinks123 · 04/04/2016 07:35

Is it rude to ask who's looking after your DC's? I work till late and frequently get asked by colleagues "who's watching the baby?" To which I reply "her dad"
Don't think they mean anything rude by it..
One persons reply of "that's good of him" definitely was though Grin

coldcanary · 04/04/2016 07:39

YANBU in general but we use babysitting between us when we're out at our hobbies - 'I'm at xxx tomorrow so you're babysitting'. It's different when it's an agreed turn of phrase between the parents though.
Thankfully I don't see much of it on FB although I did have an argument with some young woman on a local page about 'getting herself pregnant'. Apparently it's acceptable as feminists gave women more contraception choices so it's their responsibility to not get pregnant Confused this was a youngish mum in her twenties by the way... I had to log off for a while..Angry

FiveCharactersOrLess · 04/04/2016 07:41

Think it's ok to use 'babysitting' between two parents as quick shorthand for 'you do the physical parenting for this time on your own while I do something else' but loathe when other people use it about the DH in a way that shows he shouldn't be expected to as a matter of course by virtue of being the other parent. And likewise, don't see anything wrong with appreciating the father for doing his parenting duties (if the favour is returned when the mother is doing it!) but the "wow, he's so helpful to you" type bollocks just gives the DH the status of manchild who helps out now and again.

When this sort of situation comes up and I'm particularly narked (MIL, I'm looking at you) I love this response;

MIL Random person: "Aww, you're lucky DH was good enough to stay in and babysit so you could go out"
Me: "I know, it's soooo hard being a single parent and finding childcare"
MIL : "EH??? You're not a single parent! You have DH! What are you saying????"
Me: "Ohhh, DH is

Hackedabove · 04/04/2016 07:47

YANBU