I honestly don't know. Sensitive subject.

[QuirksAndQuandaries]

I am a long term frequent poster but have namechanged as I just want the information here to be considered in isolation. I am happy to change back later if anyone is concerned about trolling.

Parents (M and F) are told by their teenage daughter (D) that her uncle (B - M's younger brother) sexually abused her repeatedly throughout childhood. B is arrested but denies it to the police. B later admits to his mother (D's grandmother) that he did do it. M and F are also aware of this, and tell D. The family unit ceases contact with B, but all still see the grandmother separately.

D is interviewed by police (she describes the abuse while recorded and with M and F watching behind a screen) and is told she can attempt prosecution. At home, M asks D not to because of fears for B's safety in prison. D drops the subject.

A while later D finds a recent postcard from B and realises that M is still in contact. She is angry and upset and confronts M as she sees it as a betrayal, but is told that she cannot control M's relationship with B. The subject is again dropped.

For the next 15 years M continues seeing B, but hides it. F is not happy about it but does not interfere. D suspects but the subject is never approached.

I'm sorry this all sounds ridiculous. But I have wondered for a long time what is 'right' in this mess. If indeed there is any 'right' at all.

I guess I am asking 1) is M right to continue seeing B, and 2) does D have the right to be upset about it.

Be gentle. Please.

When you described the scene where the police came round, I just see a bunch of adults desperately finding a way to make their own lives easier, at your expense. Of course, if they keep this man away now, they'll have to admit to themselves that there's a reason behind it, so they don't, again making their own lives easier.

I'm furious for you, OP - for the child you were and the adult you are. Your family should have protected you and they didn't and aren't.

You should do what's right for you. You are entitled to your feelings and shouldn't squash them down to protect people who didn't protect you.

Your daughter has a great mother. What a change you've made in one generation. You should feel very proud of that.

www.rasac.org.uk
These people are wonderful. I would strongly recommend calling them. They are so supportive, even if all you need is to talk.

What everyone, except Lexie, says.
Devastating and disgusting - M should be ashamed.

Fuzzpig; want to add (having now read ALL posts, and not just the first page as I previously did - fail) that I was diagnosed with fibro in 2011 after many years of not knowing what it was... I've just started being treated by a systematic kinesiologist (I know, I know) who has pinned the cause of the fibro down to being abused by my father as a kid, and unsupported by my mother. Since the very first treatment, the fibro pain has 85% diminished, I feel better than I have for very many years, and have been able to exercise and sleep better. Not trying to diminish what you're feeling, or to proffer a 'quick fix', but may be worth a shot.
Feeling your pain, and sending warm hugs. No one should go through utter shit like this, and I'm with those who want to kill monsters like B, and cut out family members who seem to accept such situations.

Mother isn't "right" but obviously when you have a close relationship with someone no matter what they have done. I think this is wrong as what B done is beyond vile but I suppose M can't just forget her feelings for her brother.

Personally though I don't blame D at all and would feel betrayed by M to the highest degree. I also don't think it was fair for M to tell D not to prosecute because of Bs safety - he should've thought about that before abusing his niece.

I hope you are doing ok (:f)

Your mother hasn't just let you down, she has abused you. Not sexual abuse but emotional abuse which can have an equally devastating effect. Worse she is continuing to do it by staying in contact with B and pretending none of this happened. She is minimising your experience and your pain - sadly I think the only healthy thing for you to do is to go NC. They are both awful abusers and you need to stay away from them both.

Hi everyone.

That's so interesting about the 5 Fs, thank you - I have long wondered about the accuracy of fight or flight as I always felt like that wasn't how I was (which made me feel inferior). Obviously freezing was a learned response from the abuse (which wasn't rape BTW or anything so 'bad' as that IYSWIM - I mean it was still a crime and horrible obviously but just wanted to clarify) but I think I'm just copying my parents too. They are very much like that. In their own little world, blinkered, never ever rock the boat.

Taking a very deep breath before posting the rest:

Re: police. In all honesty, and I feel awful like I'm letting you all down by saying this, but I don't think I want to, in part given that the chance of success is incredibly small - there is literally zero evidence, I remember very little detail, it was 25ish years ago, and what happened would have left no physical mark anyway. The only people who know he admitted it would not testify, and I don't think it would achieve anything TBH. (He is an estate agent BTW not involved in anything to do with young people - but if that ever changed I would be reporting to the relevant authorities.)

It's such a tiny part of my life now. There was a time when it felt massive, it defined me. It doesn't now. I am honestly ok, I have worked through it all so much and I can talk about it easily, no flashbacks or triggers, nothing. What was said above about me changing things for the next generation (thank you ) is what my priority is and I feel like I should look forward and not back. I feel like I'm sufficiently 'over it' (barring the 'why is my mum being a traitor' issue, and the last shred of self doubt has now been obliterated thanks to the wonderful responses on this thread ) and to pull everything up would be a massive step backwards that doesn't seem worth it. I have considered NC over the years, but the end result has been that I don't want to rather than that I'm scared of doing it.

This does NOT mean I am accepting that my mum is right to do what she has done. I don't respect her (or dad) at all. I pity them and I keep an emotional distance, I don't expect anything from them, they support me very much in my illness though. They are trying to make up for it all I think although I bet they wouldn't admit it. Again I know that doesn't make it ok (and it certainly doesn't mean I think it is the right thing to do for anyone else in a similar situation - it is never that simple). But it means I can move on - HAVE moved on - in what I think is a healthier way for me. If I was still living at home or something then I would need out. But I moved out at 20 and made a life for myself, a damn good life despite all the crap that has been thrown at me, in the most important ways - I have an awesome family.

I have got better at confronting them about things BTW. Recently I was diagnosed with ASD and my parents really took it personally, and my mum kept implying that it didn't exist in her day and I was just a good child. I actually really stood up for myself then - said it was not normal how passive I was, how she had to accept that they'd been too happy to have a compliant clever little professor child to notice, and also how the abuse itself had only compounded the fact I was unable to make my needs known. She apologised. This was massive.

I think one day I could actually tell her it's pathetic that she puts her needs above mine, re: seeing her brother. I'm never going to tell her not to. I don't think that would do anything because she would just react the same way she did when I found that postcard. But one day I might be able to tell her how much I have lost respect for her because of it, and how it's not something a mother should do. I really think I will get to that point in the near future and knowing my parents and what happened when I confronted last time, I feel like this will make a bigger difference than refusing any contact.

I hope that makes sense.

Again, please be gentle I know I sound like I am rationalising. And it is probably frustrating as hell to read this. And I am expecting quite a flaming.

I can't see anyone would give you flaming at all! Please don't think that, even thought this is AIBU .

I cannot believe they put ME/CFS as an excuse. This makes me so angry as I suffer from it too. I don't know why it bothers me but this bit really stood out for me.

I was abused when I was 15. It was my sort of step mums new DP (my dad was with her for years and even though they never married I considered her my step mum). When I broke down and it all came out, she believed him as he denied it. I had known her since I was 6. Our relationship completely broke down although I do speak to her now when I see her, turns out they split up years later because he got a 17 year old pregnant. Seems he liked teenagers. It took that for her to believe me though and we don't talk about it. She never mentioned it to me, just started talking again, it took me mentioning it when i was drunk for me to knkw that she did finally believe me. In fact no one ever talked about it after it came out. It was swept under the carpet like everything is in my family and I had to deal with it by myself. There were the people who didn't believe me, the people that didn't know and the people who did and believed me but never talked about it. I still struggle to this day and have never dealt with it and don't feel I can.

I hope you can find a way through this. I'd struggle to be around your mum given she is putting her relationship with her brother above her daughter. And getting you to drop it and making stupid excuses. It's unforgiveable really. But I guess it's hard for you to not want her in your life.

Don't apologise re: police you have nothing to apologise for. We cope in the best way we can and keep ourselves emotionally safe.

I don't get fight or flight either. I said to a friend that if someone hit me or something I'd hit them back - but anything sexual I freeze or beg which is nuts if you knew me as I come across very assertive.

It's fine to feel hurt years later and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (including yourself)

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this op. I hope you do decide to prosecute. You've done the right thing in making sure you dd has nothing to do with him.

Janecc's post has made me think of what's happening in my family. My dm and gm are very controlling bordering on the matriach types. I have therefore felt so alone since childhood with having no one to discuss my feelings with and therefore never was able to tell them that my grandfather was abusing me in my teens. My mum never wanted to talk about it, would ignore me. I attempted suicide alot and got taken to doctors. They wanted to put me on medication and to see a therapist but my mum talked me out of it saying there was nothing wrong with me. That was a 10 years ago and my grandfather died since. I feel telling them that it happened will have me told I'm a liar. I suffer violent nightmares every few months remembering it all. My pregnancy was horrendous with at least one a night. Luckily my dh is there and he knows slightly that something went on but I can't get the words out to tell him properly what happened. I hope you can prosecute your uncle so you get the justice you deserve.

to all those who have suffered at the hand of another. Humanity can be amazing but sometimes it does seem a bastard too.

You have nothing to apologise for, and you are not letting anyone down by not reporting it. Anyone who flames you is an idiot! Re the whole NC thing, and all the rest - it sounds like you're pretty sorted with knowing what's right for YOU and that's the important thing.

Oh sweetheart no flaming from me. It is so hard to explain how complicated it is. Like you I was the compliant child, so easy to deal with, never caused any problems. My mum still sees it as a badge of honour that she could just look at me and tell me how disappointed she was in me and reduce me to tears. I left home at 16, ended up in psychiatric care at 19 after slashing my wrists and it was only then that I realised that it was ok to be angry with my Mum for not protecting me. 33 years later I STILL haven't talked to her about it because I don't want to hurt her. And that's how fucked up it is.

IMHO the M is completely in the wrong, and I'm in agreement with everyone else here that if my B hurt one of my kids I would cut off more than contact.

Families often close ranks against the one who makes the complaint. Going NC is often the healthiest thing to do. You can get on and make your own way without dealing with their problems any more.

You are the better person, and you are going to be fine. You will have a healthy family.

Fuzz. Thanks for the well wishes X I don't think you have let anyone down. You have made your peace and your choices. You Have had the counselling you need to get yourself where you want to be in your life for the next generation. It is not for anyone to judge. I am glad your family helps you through your illness. x sadly mine does not and my lovely aunt (mothers sister) tells me my mother doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me, neither does my brother or his wife.
Munki < hugs >. Please seek the help you need to offload your burden. About
3 months after my baby was born, I looked at my child and I was so angry how anyone could hurt something so precious and special. As my DD gets older, I do see the pressure on someone so ill equipped for motherhood and so angry herself, not that it's an excuse and I do wonder how I would have been as a mother had I not sought help. All I'm saying is that if you do not find some resolution, in some way, this will likely have an impact on your beautiful baby and your relationship with your husband. I am not saying it will turn into abuse. I have had loads of counselling to be in a position not to be affected by my families poison. My mother is so overbearing I struggle to be in the same room as her. Also similar here in the compliant child department. As I said earlier I was emotionally abused, not sexually, still am in my 40's. But it really has little effect now and they are at arms length. Used to hide/freeze. Apparently I was such a happy child then one day we'll, I became the most awful child on the planet constantly being negatively compared to all other children. Because it's all me (evil witch that I am ;)). I phoned my mother the other day, her tone of voice was so lovely until she realised she'd mistaken me for her sister. Oops!

op you are the person who makes the decisions about your life . Counselling might help you sort out the threads and feel clear about what you think is the right way to go.

No I wouldn't be upset, I would be f*cking incandescent! I would push for prosecution and cut contact with both M (for being an abusers apologist) and F (for having no backbone).

Fuzzpig, I think you are a proper grown up. That is about the highest compliment I can pay to anyone. What a great person you are, and how lucky your friends, child(ren) and partner (?) are to have you in their lives. I wish I were one of them, it would be a real privilege.