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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I honestly don't know. Sensitive subject.

170 replies

QuirksAndQuandaries · 02/04/2016 19:25

I am a long term frequent poster but have namechanged as I just want the information here to be considered in isolation. I am happy to change back later if anyone is concerned about trolling.

Parents (M and F) are told by their teenage daughter (D) that her uncle (B - M's younger brother) sexually abused her repeatedly throughout childhood. B is arrested but denies it to the police. B later admits to his mother (D's grandmother) that he did do it. M and F are also aware of this, and tell D. The family unit ceases contact with B, but all still see the grandmother separately.

D is interviewed by police (she describes the abuse while recorded and with M and F watching behind a screen) and is told she can attempt prosecution. At home, M asks D not to because of fears for B's safety in prison. D drops the subject.

A while later D finds a recent postcard from B and realises that M is still in contact. She is angry and upset and confronts M as she sees it as a betrayal, but is told that she cannot control M's relationship with B. The subject is again dropped.

For the next 15 years M continues seeing B, but hides it. F is not happy about it but does not interfere. D suspects but the subject is never approached.

I'm sorry this all sounds ridiculous. But I have wondered for a long time what is 'right' in this mess. If indeed there is any 'right' at all.

I guess I am asking 1) is M right to continue seeing B, and 2) does D have the right to be upset about it.

Be gentle. Please.

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 02/04/2016 20:37

It absolutely does not change what I said in my first post.

Lurkedforever1 · 02/04/2016 20:37

Being 16 makes no difference to my earlier opinion. We aren't talking about wrecking the house with an out of control party or drunkenly weeing on the neighbours car or any of the other wrong things that a 16yr old might do because they're irresponsible. Or even taking drugs, theft, vandalism etc that might be the outcome of a sad childhood. He's a cunt whatever his age or background.

op, it's just shit and inexcusable that you suffered like this.

ChasingPavements · 02/04/2016 20:38

I am so sorry that you went through this and for your parent's lack of support for you. It's absolutely awful.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 20:43

So QuirksAndQuandaries this has been brushed under the carpet for 15 years and you're now questioning if the elephant in the room cover up should be challenged? Yes. But seek outside support for yourself first before you decide, e.g. counsellor / therapist.

gamerchick · 02/04/2016 20:46

OP it's never too late to prosecute. There are some things that just can't stay buried or they'll torture you forever. I'm so sorry

MeadowHay · 02/04/2016 20:53

M and F have been disgusting, totally unsupportive of D. I can't imagine how painful all of this must have been and continue to be. I really hope you are getting therapeutic support, and it may still be possible to prosecute B should you wish to. All the best.

MartinaJ · 02/04/2016 20:54

I love my brother. But if he ever tried doing anything like this, I'd encourage DD to prosecute and would never ever want to talk to him again. Children come first.

StillYummy · 02/04/2016 20:55

M and F have basically made shore a dangerous predator remains in society

D has a right to be upset. I would be, very.

PotOfYoghurt · 02/04/2016 20:55

The fact that you even questioned whether or not your mother was unreasonable is horribly telling of how this has affected your life.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and the way you have been treated by your family. You do not deserve it.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 02/04/2016 21:04

Quirks sending you a big hug.
I agree with other posts so won't repeat. Feel free to imagine us standing right with you whatever you decide is best way forward.
Do you know of/ have any support? There are lots of completely confidential services out there that can help.

darksideofthemooncup · 02/04/2016 21:05

I am so sorry you have been through this OP. I went through similar as a child and the betrayal by my mother is the thing that hurts the most over 30 years later. I agree with the posters that suggest you seek outside support.

OrlandaFuriosa · 02/04/2016 21:05

Op, I'm so sorry. I would feel completely betrayed by M.

I might, just might, understand her keeping in touch by letter, but seeing him? Only if you were content either it. And I would have hoped dye would have had the courtesy to ask you about even the first.

It is in effect gaslighting you. And your F has, regrettably , enabled it.

I would be furious, distraught. Please get some professional counselling. And it isn't too late to prosecute. No statute of limitations in criminal offences.

fuzzpig · 02/04/2016 21:15

OP here. Thank you so much for not doubting the thread and taking it at face value. I have wanted to write this out for a long time, I was originally going to do a reverse (but didn't because I thought that would just distract from the issue) because I really really want to understand my mum's view.

We are at my mum's. Saw my grandma (which I know probably invalidates my entire thread, but I can't lose her too), my dad picked her up and was going to drop her back to but mum said no, it's fine, she's getting the bus back. Looked out of the window and there he was in the car waiting. Such a transparent lie, why bother? She can - and clearly does - see him any time, when we aren't staying (we live an hour away) why not just leave it today?

Challenge? No. I'm not strong enough for that and I am not sure I ever will be. I think I just wanted reassurance that my feelings are right. I've lived for so long feeling guilty.

Really fucked up thing is, I dream about him a lot. He's just there and the fun big brother figure that he was until I remembered what he had done (I forgot, repressed it whatever).

Buzzardbird · 02/04/2016 21:19

Your feelings are validated fuzz.

TattiePants · 02/04/2016 21:19

I wasn't going to comment but after your last post, our stories are so similar! My Grandmother died when I was 7 (DF's mum) and for the next couple of years, DF's half brother who was 15 at the time lived with us for 2 weeks every month whilst his father worked away. At some point during that time he started to abuse me and that carried on for about a year. I didn't tell my parents at the time and it was only once my parents were separated and I was 17 that I told my Mum what had happened.

My Mum was very supportive, obviously devastated by what had happened and that I had never told her. She told DF on my behalf. DF has never spoken to me about it (it's been 24 years now), never asked what I wanted to do and continued to have a relationship with his half brother (albeit limited). Fortunately for me, my half-uncle / abuser lives on another continent so there is no chance of me ever seeing him again and this also limits DF's contact with him. However it is extremely painful to know that DF has never raised this with his B (I am sure B doesn't know that anyone else knows about this), they went to each others weddings etc. I was NC with DF for a number of years (not just for this) although we now have a relationship and I know that it is because DF is a huge coward. He just doesn't know how to deal with it so has buried his head in the sand and would rather upset me than have to deal with the fallout if he confronted his B.

Your M and to a lesser extent, your F and GM have let you down massively and you have every right to be devastated with their lack of support for you. I never wanted to pursue a conviction but it is absolutely not too late if you decide it is something you want to do.

RhombusRiley · 02/04/2016 21:20

Oh OP how hard for you :( The dreaming means that this is something that is on your mind and hasn't been dealt with (unsurprisingly, because of how you've been treated). Getting a good counsellor who specialises in this could really help you work through it - because you'll be telling it all to someone who won't judge or make you feel unimportant.

It's not fucked up - it's your brain telling you that you need to address this and express how much it is bothering you. Everyone around you is giving you the message that B is an okay guy - for you, he's not, and rightly so. It's confusing and unfair. You need to address this in a different direction, outside your family IYSWIM. This thread is a great start too.

I was in a place where I thought I'd never be strong enough... the strength came.

summerdreams · 02/04/2016 21:25

16 is old enough I'm very sorry for what you have been through, I think M is discusting for talking to B. It is never to late to prosecute and no one would blame you if you never spoke to M again

lollopops · 02/04/2016 21:25

'B' would not be alive!

JJXM · 02/04/2016 21:26

It makes no difference that it started when he was 16 - we think of child abusers as middle-aged men but many start abusing in their teens - no one becomes a paedophile overnight. In fact many professionals believe that tackling abusers when they are younger would lead to a decrease in sex offences.

OP I have been in a similar position to you - my mother left my father because he was abusive and yet when I was taken into care my mother and sister told social workers I was a fantasist. It's easier for them tp believe I am lying rather than accepting that they are partially at fault for covering it up.

Your whole family has behaved atrociously - he is getting away with his crime because they are normalising it - why would he feel shame at being a child abuser when his mother and sister don't treat his crime with the disgust and contempt it deserves.

I think you need to walk away especially if you have children or are planning on having them in the future.

TattiePants · 02/04/2016 21:27

Fuzzpig that must have been incredibly hurtful and I agree, even if they are still seeing each other - which I really can't understand - why not keep him well away whilst you are visiting. I hope writing it down has helped in some tiny way but please please remember that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Yes your abuser was young and may have had a difficult life but he chose to do what he did and your family chose to stay in contact with him. None of this is your fault.

[hugs]

ASAS · 02/04/2016 21:35

Jeezo, your mother did not tell you your abuser had a rough childhood due to divorce did she?! You know that that is also very.... I don't actually know as there's not a word.

May I ask how you are generally and what prompted you to post? You said you're eating with family. Is it them?

Mummyme1987 · 02/04/2016 21:35

How awful OP. I hope your DM is willing to take responsibility for any other kids he may have abused too. I hope that as police were involved that he can't pass a crb / debs check now. Otherwise he could be a scout leader, teacher, coach etc.

camelfinger · 02/04/2016 21:35

It's incredibly sad that you've had to suffer not only the abuse, but the lack of acknowledgement for all these years afterwards. It's tragic that those who are meant to protect you have chosen to protect the abuser instead and are continuing to twist the knife by the attempted secrecy around maintaining contact with B. Have you told anyone else about what happened? I agree with other posters that counselling might be a good way forward.

Mummyme1987 · 02/04/2016 21:36

But huge hugs for you xxxxx

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 21:43

Gosh fuzzpig. I went cold when I read that you saw him out of the window tonight, but that's nothing compared to how you must have felt.

I'm outraged on your behalf. Your family's behaviour is so wrong. I would feel constantly betrayed by them and it would be like re-opening the wound time and again. It sounds like they've all done a number on you and I would feel totally conflicted and unable to see clearly.

Do don't have to decide anything, but I would really urge you to speak to someone to help you move on in the best possible way for you

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