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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I honestly don't know. Sensitive subject.

170 replies

QuirksAndQuandaries · 02/04/2016 19:25

I am a long term frequent poster but have namechanged as I just want the information here to be considered in isolation. I am happy to change back later if anyone is concerned about trolling.

Parents (M and F) are told by their teenage daughter (D) that her uncle (B - M's younger brother) sexually abused her repeatedly throughout childhood. B is arrested but denies it to the police. B later admits to his mother (D's grandmother) that he did do it. M and F are also aware of this, and tell D. The family unit ceases contact with B, but all still see the grandmother separately.

D is interviewed by police (she describes the abuse while recorded and with M and F watching behind a screen) and is told she can attempt prosecution. At home, M asks D not to because of fears for B's safety in prison. D drops the subject.

A while later D finds a recent postcard from B and realises that M is still in contact. She is angry and upset and confronts M as she sees it as a betrayal, but is told that she cannot control M's relationship with B. The subject is again dropped.

For the next 15 years M continues seeing B, but hides it. F is not happy about it but does not interfere. D suspects but the subject is never approached.

I'm sorry this all sounds ridiculous. But I have wondered for a long time what is 'right' in this mess. If indeed there is any 'right' at all.

I guess I am asking 1) is M right to continue seeing B, and 2) does D have the right to be upset about it.

Be gentle. Please.

OP posts:
JuxtapositionRecords · 02/04/2016 19:42

And actually the father is in the wrong too - he is just as responsible to get the wanker prosecuted as the mother is.

KittyandTeal · 02/04/2016 19:42

The daughter has been treated appallingly by all involved.

The only bit I kind of understand is his mother staying in contact.

However, if my db did that to my Dd I would push for a prosecution. He negated his concerns of safety the moment he abused her!

If I were the daughter (I have been a victim of abuse but not within the family) I would be distraught that I had been treated this way. Looking at that situation I would say that daughter is probably pretty damaged, not just from the abuse but basically she was brave enough to tell her story and she was hushed up, her abusers feelings and safety were out before her own.

I know how 'not strong' (can't think of a better way to put it, I know it doesn't sound right) being abused can make you feel but I'd like to think that the daughter would cut contact with the whole of that family!

QOD · 02/04/2016 19:42

The parents and grandparents should be ashamed!
Obviously uncle too

Im.so sorry

AddictedtoGreys · 02/04/2016 19:43

The mother should not have any contact with her brother. How can she want to have contact with him after what he did to her daughter? Angry

Scooterloo · 02/04/2016 19:44

M in the wrong in every action she has taken here . D is right to be devastated and to feel betrayed. How old is D now?

EnglishFern · 02/04/2016 19:45

M is wrong.

Is there any reason M might somehow be in thrall to B? Is there an age gap? Was she perhaps mistreated herself?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 02/04/2016 19:46

There is no excuse for the continuing contact between the mother and her brother and the girl who was abused has every right to be angry and upset and bewildered by it.

Alanna1 · 02/04/2016 19:46

The only thought I have is why the brother became an abuser, and maybe there is a shared knowledge of horror that mother knows?

PhoenixReisling · 02/04/2016 19:47

Yep, agree with everyone here.

Her brother sexually abuses her daughter, they then pressurise her not to take this further so poor didums brother won't get hurt in prison and then M continues to have a relationship with him Angry.

If I were D, I would find this to be the ultimate betrayal and would most probably walk away and never speak to M again.

Ricksheadtilt · 02/04/2016 19:47

If my brother did this to one of my daughters' I would absolutely not ever see him again. (Nor would anyone else as I'd likely kill him). Daughter has every right to be furious and hurt by both parents actions.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 02/04/2016 19:48

The only thought I have is why the brother became an abuser, and maybe there is a shared knowledge of horror that mother knows

Yes. You could be corect. Sad

gamerchick · 02/04/2016 19:48

On the surface it's black and white and nobody is going to say the mother was right. I don't myself.

However (dons hat) sometimes things are complicated in a massively deep and sick to the stomach way and I would wonder if the uncle and the mother had suffered abuse themselves as kids which would shed some light on why despite it should be cut and dried to cut off the brother for good. Shared pain can be deep rooted.

I can't really make a judgement apart from how I would react personally if it was one of my brothers and I know historical abuse didn't happen.

its never too late to prosecute an abuser.

Bluetrews25 · 02/04/2016 19:49

Mother's actions say she cares more for her brother than her daughter. Horrible.
Daughter could prosecute still, couldn't she?
Hideous situation.

Squiff85 · 02/04/2016 19:50

M is wrong - I think she should have turned her back on B a long long time ago and supported D.

Lurkedforever1 · 02/04/2016 19:51

Mother is an absolute disgrace, as is the father. And what kind of parent gives a shit about their child's abuser having a tough time in prison?

The poor daughter, not only abused but betrayed by the very people who should have been there for her. Her parents haven't just failed to support her, but made it so much worse.

ChasingPavements · 02/04/2016 19:53

D has been completely let down. By the uncle who abused her. By her mother, father and grandmother who have failed to support her since she had the courage to speak about what happened. Shame on them all.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2016 19:55

D has been let down by F, M and GM. Uncle should have gone to prison.
If I was D I'd want Uncle prosecuted and I would walk away from all of them.

OpenMe · 02/04/2016 19:55

I agree it seems likely that the mother and her brother have a bond that could be as a result of shared pain or of mother knowing what happened to her brother to make him an abuser.

Daughter still perfectly entitled to feel betrayed though and if there is something else in the background, mother should be sharing the reasons for her behaviour with her daughter.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 19:56

  1. M should be disgusted with B and want him to face the consequences of his horrendous actions.

  2. D has a right to be upset about it. It must feel like such a betrayal, and that her attacker's actions have been swept under the carpet.

incywincybitofa · 02/04/2016 19:56

Even if the uncle had suffered abuse- he reached a crossroads and had to make a choice, he made his choice, a bad one.
M if she suffered as well obviously made a different choice.

D has been betrayed by every adult she should have trusted, she should have been believed and protected and supported, none of the adults have supported her.
She deserved to have what he did recognized as wrong, it isn't the sort of thing that just goes away or becomes a childhood anecdote like the time you broke your arm falling out a tree, it has a massive impact on a range of experiences as you grow, and the damage often becomes more apparent the older the victim gets.

CalleighDoodle · 02/04/2016 19:56

I agree eith everyone else. The mother's behaviour is very wrong. The grandmother and father are also in the wrong. The Daughter can still prosecute.

camelfinger · 02/04/2016 19:58

D has every right to be upset and feel betrayed. It's really sad that she suspected that M was seeing B which was confirmed. And the fact that this occurred over 15 years is very hurtful. I'm so sorry that D's experience was dismissed in this way, it's unacceptable. And sad that F didn't intervene either. They should put their daughter first.

molyholy · 02/04/2016 19:58

Oh my god. I am astounded you even have to ask. Yes M is being so vvvvv unreasonable. D has every right to be upset. If i found out my brother d sexually abused my daughter I would fucking KILL him. Not maintain a secret relationship. M doesn't deserve D. I Cant get my head round this.

AuntieStella · 02/04/2016 20:00

I was all for saying that the M is in the wrong. She should have supported her DD about the prosecution, whichever way she (the DD) decided. If she maintained touch with her Bro, which I can just about understand, it should never have been in secret. If she did not feel she could do it openly (at least to her husband) she should not have been doing it.

But, the points made by previous posters have given me pause for thought, because the abused all too often go on to be abusers. The M's motivations may well be more complex and painfully rooted than is immediately apparent.

But I'm not surprised that DD is upset about it, and rightly so. Parents should protect their children, and whatever the reasons for making the choices about contact with Bro the upshot has been to make things worse.

Buzzardbird · 02/04/2016 20:00
  1. D should prosecute, if she feels strong enough, with the correct support.
  2. D should have no further contact with M, she is the worst type of parent. 3)D should not feel guilty about either of the above.