I honestly don't know. Sensitive subject.

[QuirksAndQuandaries]

I am a long term frequent poster but have namechanged as I just want the information here to be considered in isolation. I am happy to change back later if anyone is concerned about trolling.

Parents (M and F) are told by their teenage daughter (D) that her uncle (B - M's younger brother) sexually abused her repeatedly throughout childhood. B is arrested but denies it to the police. B later admits to his mother (D's grandmother) that he did do it. M and F are also aware of this, and tell D. The family unit ceases contact with B, but all still see the grandmother separately.

D is interviewed by police (she describes the abuse while recorded and with M and F watching behind a screen) and is told she can attempt prosecution. At home, M asks D not to because of fears for B's safety in prison. D drops the subject.

A while later D finds a recent postcard from B and realises that M is still in contact. She is angry and upset and confronts M as she sees it as a betrayal, but is told that she cannot control M's relationship with B. The subject is again dropped.

For the next 15 years M continues seeing B, but hides it. F is not happy about it but does not interfere. D suspects but the subject is never approached.

I'm sorry this all sounds ridiculous. But I have wondered for a long time what is 'right' in this mess. If indeed there is any 'right' at all.

I guess I am asking 1) is M right to continue seeing B, and 2) does D have the right to be upset about it.

Be gentle. Please.

I am so sorry you have been through the ultimate betrayal from those meant to protect you.

Just because his parents divorced is no bloody excuse for what he did and I feel sick that your mum put his feelings before yours. The issue now is that you can come to terms with what you've been through and make a decision on contact with your mum from now on.

As for your uncle. I'd be concerned that having been pretty much given the green light to do this with no repercussions, he may well have gone on to abuse others.

Could you talk to your parents about your feelings now?

I can see why you might not want to.

Big hugs and

This is awful; for you. Of course your mum was and is wrong. I'm sorry your dad hasn't been stronger on your behalf too. I'm mostly sorry that your uncle was a nasty perv.

I hope you are Ok, op.

Oh OP. Big hugs. 16 is no excuse. I echo previous postera. Abusers don't happen overnight. They know right from wrong and you were very much targeted and victimised.

Your life can change and will be better and this is your step forward in processing the pain. Ask yourself what it is you want. Get help. Get counselling . You are not alone. This is your first step to being validated. Your family are cowards and I am so angry for you. Know that you probably won't get the responses you want from your family. I've no further advice than what's already been said but you did no wrong.

Are there children in your family or extended family as I would want to protect them. At least the parents should know an abuser is in the family.

i think it's more complicated. Of course M shouldn't have any kind of relationship with B but I can understand why she might. why did B do it? is there something only the two of them know about but aren't telling? M is wrong to have anything to do with B but I'm guessing there might be stuff we don' know.

You know what birth I didn't feel anything in a way. It was inevitable that he would be there, not a shock. I was more concerned with making sure DD didn't look outside and see them because then she would know nanny lied. In a way I'm mostly just annoyed that mum didn't even bother to suggest maybe waiting round the corner or something.

I've had a lot of therapy. I self harmed a lot and was in a psychiatric hospital for a few months around my 16th birthday.

I took a photo on mum's tablet the other week and sent it to myself via FB messaging, and it had at the top 'new message request from B' - charitably I thought it might be the first one he'd sent. I didn't click on it anyway.

If my younger brother sexually abused my daughter I'd be hard pushed not to kill him. Would most certainly not be exchanging postcards or worrying for his safety in prison.

There are no children in the family other than mine

That's why I posted really nits - I just want to know why.

I am an only child so I have no idea what a sibling bond is. I just can't imagine forgiving a sibling for hurting my children though.

I'm so sorry. Their ongoing behaviour is awful, just awful. Have you a therapist you're seeing currently? Or someone who you can pick up with, where you left off?

Having therapy before doesn't mean more won't help, to address how you feel now.

I've had lifelong anxiety and seen a number of counsellors and psychologists - they have helped me when I needed it, but only the most recent led to a breakthrough where I was able to understand why I put up with certain things and address my self-esteem problem and my anger about the abuse. I think because only recently was I ready to go there IYSWIM.

They're playing happy families behind your back and the question is, WTF are you meant to feel / do / not do, now?!

I'm definitely angrier at my mum than at my uncle. He was just a pathetic, desperate loser who used me for what nobody would willingly give him.

I have never felt like the abuse was my fault. The only guilt I felt was for upsetting my mum. She cried when the police came. I just sat there.

I kind of wonder what they (police and social worker) felt when my mum did that, gave all the excuses etc. It's only just occurred to me that maybe they let me down too. But then maybe they couldn't go against the parents' decision as I was a minor or something.

The illness by the way was M.E. by the way. I remember exactly what she said, 'he had M.E. and missed 18 months of school' cue the tears.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with... wait for it... M.E. It's almost funny . I usually use its other name (chronic fatigue syndrome) as I hate the association. Again, not with the abuse, but with my mum's excuses.

Sorry I'm not really making much sense am I.

Sorry I'm not really making much sense am I

No, you are - perfect sense.

Your mother betrayed you. Her reaction and behaviour was not, and is still not normal. It's probably the ultimate betrayal and she continues to do it.

I don't know what the police must have thought, but I imagine they were very upset and frustrated to not be able to attempt a conviction.

OP so sorry
Been through similar

Tell your mum to Fuck off!

Fuzz, a very similar situation happened in a family I know. They totally cut contact with the B and the grandmother who supported B when it went to court. B was sent to prison. The whole extended family lived within close proximity of one another so it was very difficult, but years later they have never wavered.
In an awful twist, B from the F's side also abused D. The extended family believed and supported D and they are still in regular contact with the extended family (not with the B).
Sending you the biggest hugs and strength to be, firstly, ok in yourself and secondly, to get justice/protect others xxxxx

I have no words fuzz. I'm just really sorry that you are dealing with this.

FWIW, if one of my siblings hurt my dc, there would be no question. I can say this truthfully because one of my sisters has no physical contact with my dc. My sister has a long history of violence and aggressive behaviour towards myself and family members. She is welcome to send birthday and Christmas cards. But that's it because I simply don't trust her around my dc and I will not expose them to it. So my situation is very, very different but I just want to explain how it is possible that parents sacrifice their relationship with their sibling to protect their dc.

I wish you well.

The way your family behaves by dealing in denial and secrecy is what allows abuse of all kinds to flourish unchallenged. You deserve tremendous respect for your honesty and courage and for breaking the cycle of sweeping things under the carpet.

Your family has done a horrendous job in somehow making you feel guilty and allowing you to somehow accept responsibility. Possibly to deflect from their own failures in not seeing at the time that something was very wrong and then compounding that by not supporting you when it all came out. Try to remember that they were the adults and they let you down badly.

I hope you will be able to keep reading this thread and get comfort and support.

There are no excuses for his behaviour, none. For some reason your mother took pity on him. She chose to feel that way and carried on a relationship.

If you went NC with anyone who merely entertains him, you would not be responsible for THEIR upset, as it was their choice to sail you down the river.

Do you know what Fuzzypig, just for a moment leave aside decisions made by your mum and grandmother years ago.
What happened tonight was twisted, from all of them, your dad may just be weak, but your mum and grandma knew he would pick her up and park out the front, because they do know him well enough to know that he would do that even if they told him not to,
He is an abuser and part of his kick is the power and showing you he was there is part of that power.
They were a part of his sick game- and that is inexcusable.
Your mum and gran could have insisted he didn't come
Your dad was happy to take your gran home
They both chose to expose you to him tonight to see your reaction.
That sadly should tell you something x

fuzz for you to survive mentally you might have to cut out all contact with your mum
She's fucked up, keep contact and she ll destroy you.
You owe it to your child and to yourself to be mentally ok... This won't happen with her in the picture!

They both chose to expose you to him tonight to see your reaction.

^^this
If your brother did something bad to someone else in your family, these two still wouldn't protect you... Run away from them!

Meant "her" fucked up brother

I am attempting sleep in a bit (may not work, forgot to bring my medication, fail) but I forgot to say thank you, you are all wonderful. I was genuinely unsure what the verdict would be. As someone posted earlier, the fact I even had to ask shows how my parents' behaviour messed up my view of it all.

I have known for a long time. Mostly. Actually I think it was some other MNers' threads I read over the years that made me realise. Just had that niggling but pervasive doubt IYSWIM and that's why I'm so grateful for this thread. I had an amazing therapist from CAMHS who refused to send me on to adult services for an extra year so we could keep working through stuff. We generally talked about my parents and my upbringing generally rather than the abuse because in all honesty what actually happened feels nowhere near as hurtful and as life-altering as the way my parents handled it. Or didn't. That's what's fucked up my self-worth.

We had family therapy too but that was an utter joke. I can see why they say that people shouldn't have couple's therapy with an abusive partner, it made things worse in a similar way I think. My parents also started seeing that CAMHS therapist without me. Weird.

I am OK by the way, please don't worry. It feels really good to talk about this and know that my feelings are right.