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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I honestly don't know. Sensitive subject.

170 replies

QuirksAndQuandaries · 02/04/2016 19:25

I am a long term frequent poster but have namechanged as I just want the information here to be considered in isolation. I am happy to change back later if anyone is concerned about trolling.

Parents (M and F) are told by their teenage daughter (D) that her uncle (B - M's younger brother) sexually abused her repeatedly throughout childhood. B is arrested but denies it to the police. B later admits to his mother (D's grandmother) that he did do it. M and F are also aware of this, and tell D. The family unit ceases contact with B, but all still see the grandmother separately.

D is interviewed by police (she describes the abuse while recorded and with M and F watching behind a screen) and is told she can attempt prosecution. At home, M asks D not to because of fears for B's safety in prison. D drops the subject.

A while later D finds a recent postcard from B and realises that M is still in contact. She is angry and upset and confronts M as she sees it as a betrayal, but is told that she cannot control M's relationship with B. The subject is again dropped.

For the next 15 years M continues seeing B, but hides it. F is not happy about it but does not interfere. D suspects but the subject is never approached.

I'm sorry this all sounds ridiculous. But I have wondered for a long time what is 'right' in this mess. If indeed there is any 'right' at all.

I guess I am asking 1) is M right to continue seeing B, and 2) does D have the right to be upset about it.

Be gentle. Please.

OP posts:
Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 20:01

Plus if I was D I would seriously be considering going NC with M and pressing charges against B.

huskylover · 02/04/2016 20:01

The Mum should have positively encouraged the daughter to prosecute.

Furthermore, the Mum should have cut all contact with her brother. The Father of this girl should have ensured prosecution took place, and overidden the Mum's pleas not to do so.

Who gives a shit, if he would have had a hard time in prison??!! Confused Pedo's often do get a hard time - GOOD!

The Daughter in this scenario (I am guessing this is you), has been let down in the most awful way possible. If I were the daughter, I would cut ALL contact with the parents and tell them why. I also would NEVER allow my dc to be in their company. Their judgment is so totally off, they cannot be trusted with little one's.

FFS. If this is you Flowers my lovely, you didn't deserve this pile of shite.

CookieDoughKid · 02/04/2016 20:01

Is this a joke? I hope it is in a way.

I'm sorry but the mother was bang out of order. Ultimate betrayal and if I was her daughter I would cease contact immediately. I'm the mother of a similar case where uncle abused my ds and the uncle AND ALL those that keep in contact with him are forever lost to me and my ds. Fucking unforgivable but then, I don't want forgiveness.

LanaorAna1 · 02/04/2016 20:02

M needs her head looking at. You can see what attracted the abuser, to be honest. Repulsive behaviour from the M and if I were D, Mommy Dearest would be getting a wide berth for the rest of her (un)natural life.

Poor, poor little D.

Chickenrunchicken · 02/04/2016 20:02

M is wrong, completely and utterly.

Unfortunately I am involved in a very similar situation and it's exactly the same type of behaviour from those that should be in support of D all the way.. It makes me think really. In my situation M&F continue to see and will not confront the abuser. D has not gone to police in my situation and sees little point. M&F continue to see the abuser knowing what he has done, knowing they are cowardly, but carrying on anyway. Its a mess.

CookieDoughKid · 02/04/2016 20:08

Also d is told NOT to prosecute?!! Sorry but your family have really lost the plot. No one backed this vulnerable daughter. No ONE supported her. It's sick IMO and I wonder why you are even asking. Perhaps you can't see through the woods.

amarmai · 02/04/2016 20:09

I think D shd proceed with the prosecution.

MadameJosephine · 02/04/2016 20:11

If it was my brother he'd be a damn site safer in prison as I would kill him! I cannot fathom why M would ever want to set eyes on him again. If I was D I would be devastated and probably couldn't bear to be in contact with M. If I was F I honestly think I'd be considering divorce

Chickenrunchicken · 02/04/2016 20:11

Unfortunately when abuse is in a family cookie it is very much as the OP describes and seemingly 'rational' family members close down and try to protect the 'family unit'. It sucks.

AvaCrowder · 02/04/2016 20:13

Why would m want to be in touch with b? He should make her feel sick.

D has the absolute right to be upset about it, and to seek a prosecution.

D has been let down badly and should really really just look out for herself and her own dc.

EverySongbirdSays · 02/04/2016 20:14

Even IF the Uncle was abused as a child and yes often the abused do become abusers, it's not as if he doesn't KNOW it's wrong.

Think the son of Rose and Fred West who abused his own.

He, some would say more than anyone knew it was wrong.

M should have involved the police not only for D but to protect his potential future victims, and even potentially other current victims.

RhombusRiley · 02/04/2016 20:15

D can still prosecute. I've been in a comparable situation (as D) and I have been to court and the abuser went to jail, despite it being very historical. In my situation, the person who was M was also required to testify and so were several other people.

One thing I would say about M's behaviour here is not only is it appalling treatment of D, it is also very poor towards B's other victims and potential victims, who almost certainly exist. This is a chance to get a predatory paedophile convicted and put on the sex offenders' register, and thereby protect other children. All that matters more than M's worries about how B will be treated. It may be that B suffered abuse, but convicting him could prevent other children from ever having to suffer that at all.

CookieDoughKid · 02/04/2016 20:15

chicken unfortunately I know first hand how family rationalines child abuse and how I got told as the motherror in question for being irrational to NOT allow my abused ds in the presence of her uncle abuser. Needless to say I pushed for full prosecution and the mother of the abuser went fucking mental at me (the mother of the abused).

Sorry don't mean to derail.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/04/2016 20:17

Having sat through my niece giving her interview to the police (her mum wasn't allowed as she was considered a witness even though she didn't know what was happening) I am shocked that M continues to see B. Do the grandparents still see him too?

dn's abusers family firmly stuck by him until he was convicted of abuse of another child, then I think it finally sunk in and they called and apologised (too little too late),

I think M loves B and is in denial and until B is convicted of his crime she can continue with her own parents to not believe it, even while knowing its true.

  1. M is wrong to keep seeing B and should be ashamed of herself, she should be supporting her D 100% 2) D is right to be upset and I believe she should contact the police again to see if it is still possible to try for a conviction.

The current situation is not beneficial for anyone apart from B.

Helmetbymidnight · 02/04/2016 20:17

M is fucked in the head.

This sounds painful for you op Flowers

RhombusRiley · 02/04/2016 20:17

It's amazing. If I found anyone had done this to my child I would be straight onto the police and I would never go near that person again. Since having children I am just flabbergasted how mothers can be like this about this situation.

My M even after the conviction still minimises what happened.

Liara · 02/04/2016 20:23

M is wrong to continue seeing B and D has every right to be upset about it.

If I were D, it would probably cause me to cut contact with M.

F is being pretty pathetic here too.

Original poster
QuirksAndQuandaries · 02/04/2016 20:27

Thank you all so much for replying.

I can't believe I left this out - may well be accused of drip feeding now, it honestly honestly was NOT intended, I just didn't think of it as relevant while I was trying to pare down the information, but seeing some of the comments I realise it may have been, and actually it may well change views.

B was around 16 when it started. Not an adult. (He is about 20 years younger than M, they are technically half siblings.)

Also to respond to some comments, M assured D that they had not been through anything similar. M said, when police first visited, that B had a rough childhood as his parents divorced and he was ill a lot.

May as well say now since the above probably made it (more) obvious anyway. I am D.

Thanks
OP posts:
eddielizzard · 02/04/2016 20:28

m is wrong. awful. f isn't helping much. d should try to push for prosecution if she has the strength and support for it.

awful cover ups and family pressure to keep things quiet. abusers get protected and victims told to keep quiet. just awful.

eddielizzard · 02/04/2016 20:29

sorry, x-posted.

sorry you went through this Sad

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 20:30

Nope - no difference. A 16 year old knows the difference between right and wrong. It's hardly 6 year olds playing doctors & nurses is it? So sorry to hear this is you OP.

Looly71 · 02/04/2016 20:32

CookieDoughKid a male friend of mine suffered at hands of his uncle. When he was big enough he beat the uncle black and blue - it was very cathartic for him. Luckily his family supported him all the way.

PhoenixReisling · 02/04/2016 20:34

Well, she has no excuse then does she!

Having a rough childhood, does not equate to it being ok that her brother was not prosecuted for sexual abuse. It really demonstrates that her loyalties lie with her brother and mother, but sadly not her daughter.

IMO, I would go back to the police....as he may have done this again.

Flowers
Arkhamasylum · 02/04/2016 20:34

Regardless of any other circumstances, it's a fundamental betrayal of the parent / child relationship. You were let down by the people you should have been able to trust more than anyone else. If you want to prosecute, you should.

Flowers to you, OP.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 02/04/2016 20:34

I'd cut contact with my mother and push for prosecution for my uncle. He could have abused others. So sorry for you OP, no one deserves what you have went through and I hope you get whatever assistance you need to get through this Flowers