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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
ExConstance · 02/04/2016 17:16

Does no one think that he probably asked OP because whe was the first person he noticed? Goodness, are the disabled now expected to do a full survey, risk assessments and then weigh up the options - and justify them? Poor chap just wanted and needed to sit down.

hedgehogsdontbite · 02/04/2016 17:17

Of course you were being aggressive. You admit yourself you only 'confronted him' because the other guy swore at him which prompted you to join in. As a disabled person who gave up public transport because of repeated attacks by able bodied people, I'd bet my entire jaffa cake collection that he has to endure this shit on a regular basis.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 17:18

I've seen it happen koala. Sad. I was in the position where I folded down my buggy but the other mum refused so the driver shrugged at the wheelchair user and drove off.

As much as you all think I'm a disabilst cow, I wouldn't wait for a driver to tell me to fold up a buggy if I saw wheelchair user waiting at a bus stop. I'd just do it.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 17:19

I didn't think that was legal either Koala

Our bus driver has only refused a wheel chair passenger once and that was because the bus was packed full and there was literally no room for another passenger let alone a wheel chair. He couldn't turf out paying passengers to make the room so had to tell the wheelchair user she would have to wait. She was fine about her. Her carer wasn't. He got very arsy.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 17:20

Maybe, it could have been seen as very slightly passive aggressive but that's about it. My whole demeanour is about as in aggressive as you can get.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 17:21

About as un aggressive as you can get.

OP posts:
IceMaiden73 · 02/04/2016 17:24

Yes YWBU if you had an issue with the teenagers you could have asked one of them to move for your son

EverySongbirdSays · 02/04/2016 17:24

Koala - they don't want the aggro - they probably should have but as it's an every 15 min service they were all like 'oh just wait for next' even when there's no pushchair on they act like you've pissed on their chips when they have to get out of their booth to put the ramp down.

The train is much more civilised but then you have to fight it out with entitled cyclists.

I could of course have complained but there's the hassle of that in itself.

BishopBrennansArse · 02/04/2016 17:31

Every - so you'd think, wouldn't you?
I booked the accessible travel this week for last night only no one came to do the ramp (unmanned station). So DH had to practically rupture himself getting a power chair of over 70kg weight onto a train with a large gap and steep height difference.

ImNotThatGirl · 02/04/2016 17:36

It's really difficulty for some people, particularly when they have invisible disabilities, to strike up the confidence to ask for a seat. I might have asked you; assumed you were a nice looking mum and had compassion and would be kind. If that happened to me, I certainly wouldn't ask again!

hedgehogsdontbite · 02/04/2016 17:37

*A question for all of those with hidden disabilities (not meaning to be goady here it is a genuine question)

What would you do if all the seats were occupied and when you do ask if someone could move because you have a disability and they refuse and say they do too, would do you do and think?*

I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation. I wouldn't get on a bus unless there were empty seats and if this was unlikely I wouldn't go out in the first place. Experience has taught me that being disabled means I'm fair game for people's pent up aggression. I've been sworn at, pushed, insulted, 'confronted', shouted at for not being fast enough and the final straw for me was being spat at by a huge bloke for not giving up my seat for an able-bodied but older woman.

MrsS1990 · 02/04/2016 17:41

Maybe he thought you LOOKED like the nicest and most approachable?

Your son would have been watching this. Not really a good example to set.

BloodyDogHairs · 02/04/2016 17:48

Is anyone else thinking that maybe the guy just wanted a seat beside his friend and that's why he said "fucking hell, seriously mate" knowing that the guy was healthy enough to stand.

EverySongbirdSays · 02/04/2016 17:50

Bishop - I check every station now on the Network Rail site before I go anywhere. Local service very very good and will get you a free taxi as an alternative if they cant get you off somewhere. Getting on at unmanned station of course remaining impossible, but I know which those are now, only a few locally. I don't even need to book with my local train service you just show up they are that good.

National level you have to give 24 hours of course.

PastaLaFeasta · 02/04/2016 17:56

My impression of the story is that the man with baby was reacting to the man targeting the small child and perhaps because the request was rather rude. I have problems standing and if desperate I'd be very polite asking and thankful for anyone offering a seat. Sadly I have absolutely no right to a seat and it's entirely down to the kindness of other people to give their seat to someone, like me, less able to stand. I would never ask a small child to stand. I may ask more generally if anyone is able to give up a seat in the priority area (I've never actually asked but have ended up sat on the floor in agony instead or waited for the next bus or walked to a different, less busy route - I look young and healthy). It would be great if priority seats were a protected right or there were badges or passes given to those in need.

nocoolnamesleft · 02/04/2016 17:58

Yes. This is part of the reason I use a walking stick. I don't need it as badly as I did, but when people see a (relatively young, otherwise not obviously disabled) person using a walking stick they tend to make some allowances. Without it they don't. I could not stand on a bus. Of course, when I tried to use the underground in London (definitely with stick, thanks to all the bloody steps) I got elbowed, pushed, tutted at, sworn at, and most certainly not let sit. Ended up spending a fortune on taxis. And breathing a great sigh of relief to escape back up north.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 18:03

pasta yes, he was rude. No please can I sit there and no thank you when I gave him the seat. Just a lot of muttering.

I totally wouldn't have said anything if he'd added some manners into the mix, however I felt about him asking us and not the others sitting.

OP posts:
EveryoneElsie · 02/04/2016 18:06

Rude, or possibly mental health issues. Or having a bad day. Or embarassed at the comments.

Abed · 02/04/2016 18:09

This is why I never ask for a priority seat despite being rather obviously disabled, it causes more hassle than its worth.

findingmyfeet12 · 02/04/2016 18:10

The man was entitled to ask anyone to move it makes no difference whether it was a little boy or a 20 year old. If there was a reason why your son or anyone else deserved a seat over him they only have to say I'm sorry but I can't give you my seat.

Confronting him about how he chose to exercise his right to ask is antisocial and rude.

PastaLaFeasta · 02/04/2016 18:19

Nocoolnamesleft - my friend told me to take a walking stick out, I've bought it for the really bad days or when I've walked/stood up too long and can barely move, it's a fold up one. I'm just too embarrassed to use it.

lavenderdoilly · 02/04/2016 18:23

MS person here. If no priority seats were freed up for me and it was a stick day for me - I would ask someone to move. I'm ashamed to say i would probably pick a young childless female. If I got any attitude from them, I would ask the driver to intervene. And if that didn't work I would suffer in stew -y silence and write to the bus company when I got home.if I'm having an Ok day I don't bother with priority seats because they are for people with greater disability than I have.

twelly · 02/04/2016 18:34

I think the tone as to how someone address others is important. Entitlement to a priority seat does not mean you are entitlement to be rude. What would have happened if everyone inthe priority seats had a disability - hopefully someone else would have given up there seat, but you can understand how people react given a lack of courtesy.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/04/2016 18:37

MS person here too. When I used to commute, if I couldn't get a seat and couldn't stand any longer, I'd just sit on the floor. This discombobulated a lot of people as they tried to avoid standing on me or tripping over me and actually got me a seat rather quicker.

You have to not care about what you might be sitting on, but as I didn't have particularly expensive clothing (not paid much) I didn't much care. My inability to stand trumped my distaste of the ground

I have been known to go to sleep on the wet pavement while waiting for buses too. I was not well at all back then.

LifeofI · 02/04/2016 18:42

why cant your son sit on your lap? my mum used to put me and my sis on her lap to not take up seats