Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 04/04/2016 15:13

The mother (OP) had a duty to keep her child safe too, and if she got a bit edgy - that's understandable. Her son is her priority - and she should protect his rights for a safe journey.

Fine. She could do that by asking any of the non-disabled passengers on the bus for a seat. Instead, she chose to confront the disabled passenger. How is that defensible in any way, shape or form?

Owllady · 04/04/2016 15:16

I do wonder where peoples manners are
Every time I catch the bus there is an argument of some sort on it
I must say though, I catch it with my disabled dd and people are always really helpful to us :) so thank goodness the real world isn't like aibu

TheFairyCaravan · 04/04/2016 15:17

The OP chooses to go out with her 3yo, a disabled person can't leave their
disability at home for the day.

Really daft comment Fairy

Obviously you can't leave a 3 YO home alone for the day either confused.

You've never heard of a babysitter, the other parent, a friend or grandparent then MrRochester? Hmm

Inkanta · 04/04/2016 15:19

August she said this to him - 'there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?'

What's wrong with that? Fair point - because asking her didn't feel fair.

AugustaFinkNottle · 04/04/2016 15:22

Inkanta, what is wrong with that is that she could have asked the "young, able looking people" herself, not chosen to attack the disabled person. What would have been wrong with that?

Sirzy · 04/04/2016 15:23

Because she said that to someone who had already been sworn at by someone else on the bus, someone who just wanted to sit down in the seats that were designed for disabled people as he is disabled.

If the op had had a problem with moving she should have said so before getting her son up, if she wanted a seat for her son she should have asked one of the other passengers on the bus if they would be able to move. She shouldn't have made a passive aggressive comment to the one person in this we can be pretty sure did need the space.

Inkanta · 04/04/2016 15:24

'Surely if needed a 3 year old could sit on the floor on the parents feet?'

Grin On that note I must go.

Good luck everyone keeping this thread going!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 04/04/2016 15:26

As a neutral point of information. .. you can get priority seating cards from some public transport providers www.southeasternrailway.co.uk/your-journey/assisted-travel/priority-seating/

People probably already know that, though probably not everyone (those travelling with children under 3... It does say under so not 3 yos) and pregnant women are also entitled to them and might not know.

AugustaFinkNottle · 04/04/2016 15:35

Inkanta, what a shame you can't answer my question before you go about why you don't think it would have been reasonable for OP to ask the other people to give her child a seat rather than attacking the disabled person. Anyone would think you didn't have an answer.

candykane25 · 04/04/2016 15:40

inkanta. The man declared his disability.
The OP gave up her child's seat.
That should have been the end of her Interaction with him.
Her safety or her sons safety is for her to address. Not the disabled man.

I don't know. I'm not sure how many times this point can be laboured.

He needs to show a pass? He does, to get on the bus. The only people who need to see his pass are employees of the bus company.

Would you like to declare and prove your medical condition to a bus full of strangers? No? Why not? Because it's private you say?

Why does the man have a less equal right to privacy than you?
Interested in your response. He is less equal because...

The adaptation of providing the seat is to make his life on a parity to a non disabled person. He is disadvantaged. He therefore requires the advantage of a seat. His advantage in this situation is higher than yours. Then you are both equal.

To the PP saying the child can't be left at home. FFS. Disabilities are mainly permanent. This are arbitrary. They are not chosen. They cannot be switched off. Ever. There are not several options to take. It's just is how it is. The child has many options. Ride in a pram, sit on a lap. Stand holding parent. Be carried by parent, in harness if necessary. Or be with someone else. The disabled person does not have a variety of options.

This is all basic common sense and it's mind boggling that we are having to break it down into little bite sized pieces and laymans terms for adults on this thread.

BishopBrennansArse · 04/04/2016 15:41

Yeah that's it you got your bite.
Made someone who is already struggling with how their life has changed in the past year feel that little bit worse.
You can disappear happy now.

Slow handclap

KoalaDownUnder · 04/04/2016 15:44

candykane has nailed it completely.

This thread is where common sense goes to die.

candykane25 · 04/04/2016 15:45

Oh. inkanta quit the thread.

MattDillonsPants · 04/04/2016 15:45

I don't have any obvious disabilities but if I tried to stand on a bus, I'd be on my arse the second it moved.

lisa2104 · 04/04/2016 17:03

I once when pregnant asked a bloke drinking a can of beer on the train to let me sit down. He said why and I told him I was pregnant. I wasn't showing but I think that's the worst stage as you are so knackered. Anyway he said why should I as I have paid for this seat!

Samcro · 04/04/2016 17:07

gandalf456 bloody hell
what a pile of bollocks
being a parent is not a sodding disability.

wow some people are ..............

Owllady · 04/04/2016 17:09

They don't drunk people on the bus here. The last time I was on a drunk man tried to get on and was told to fucking get off the bus GET OFF MY FUCKING BUS GET OFF FUCK OFF GET OFF FUCK
It's very pleasant here

lu9months · 04/04/2016 17:21

this really upsets me. my DH is registered disabled (incurable brain tumour, gets very tired and gets confused) but doesnt 'look' disabled. last week i ordered a wheelchair to get him through to the plane at heathrow. i approached one of the airport staff who looked him up and down and said ' YOU need a wheelchair?? yes, of course you do ' in a really sarcastic way. i had the kids with me so couldn't rant, but did reply 'some disabilities are more obvious than others'. please can everyone think carefully before making assumptions.

bbcessex · 04/04/2016 17:44

This thread really gets my goat.

If the OP had have had her son on her lap, I doubt that the man would have asked her to move - he didn't asked the dad with the baby, did he? But he made an assumption that the 3 year old could move, and the OP didn't correct him.

bbcessex · 04/04/2016 17:45

he, not she

bbcessex · 04/04/2016 18:01

Gandalf your post is bizarre.

1: having a child with you makes you on a level with a person with a disability? AND YOU BELIEVE THAT? ConfusedConfusedConfused. Do you have any idea how both ridiculous and offensive that is?

and 2. This is 'anti-mother'. You are reading things to try and conjure up whatever mad agenda you have. I imagine you took that job you were being interviewed for an have been brainwashed. To bring to use an MN phrase, ideal for you, I think... Are you on glue?

lisa2104 · 04/04/2016 19:54

She said she was standing and her son was sitting on one seat on his own.

Vicky1990 · 04/04/2016 20:00

If you have a child with you do not get into a situation that may escalate into an argument or worse, put you childs safety above all else.

SummerTimeSoon · 04/04/2016 20:32

I haven't read through the full thread yet but floggingMollie said
Some people would let their three year old occupy a seat while adults are standing because they're "safer" sitting down?? What utter nonsense, and what an awful lesson in manners for your children.
And then
Have you ever seen anyone leap up to give their seat to a three year old, girlinthefireplace? I'd point and laugh be extremely hmm if I heard anyone ask. And like hell would I give up my seat.
Don't you think that's hypocritical? Basically you'd never give your seat up for a child (who's probably less steady on their feet) but allowing a child to sit while an adult is standing is setting an awful lesson?? Wow Hmm or is it that you see a child as less of a person?! Why any able bodied grown adult would expect a child to give up their seat for them for the mere fact that they're older is beyond me, very entitled.

bbcessex · 04/04/2016 21:04

I'm going to bow out of this thread now because I'm getting cross, and it's at other posters, not the OP.

OP. . I hope you have a smoother experience on any future bus journey, and you've sparked a good debate here which has probably opened a few eyes to problems faced by disabled people which can only be a good thing x