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AIBU?

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Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
candykane25 · 04/04/2016 13:56

Lots of assumptions there gandalf

The disabled man was arrogant? He was being anti women?

Yes not everybody is nice. Disability has nothing to do with personality attributes. Non- disabled people are also not nice.

I can tell you from personal experience that being a parent and bring a disabled person are not remotely comparable.

Parent friendly spaces are necessary of course. I assist all parents out and about with children as I know how you never have enough pairs of hands.
For example yesterday at a party, I saw a woman I didn't know feeding a small baby and I used my white came to walk to the counter to fetch her a hot brew because I understood she was stuck with no drink. That's just basic kindness. It's not a battle of whose more important ir deserving.

But parent with child does not prioritise over person with disability.

Incredibly depressing reading assertions that it does.

DotForShort · 04/04/2016 14:01

Having a child is not a disability. This attitude is so depressing. (See, for example, the many threads on MN about women who refuse to fold their buggies to make way for a person with a wheelchair. Yes, it may well be inconvenient to fold your buggy. But it does not mean you have any right to a space that is genuinely needed by someone else. Convenience vs. need.)

Good posts by SDGT and candykane.

MartinaJ · 04/04/2016 14:01

Nobody said the 3yo should suck it up.
What we said was the following:

  1. no disabled person should feel like apologizing or explaining their need for a priority seat
  2. she was BU confronting the man instead of confronting the young people if she had a problem with that.

I used public transport few times with DD and sometimes it was so full we both had to stand. She was fine because she should cuddle into me, holding on firmly. A disabled person doesn't have this kind of advantage. I'd rather be a Mum with a little child standing than a disabled person with no seat.

candykane25 · 04/04/2016 14:04

laurie and inkanta

You are both missing the point.

The OP pitted her child against the disabled person. Not us.

Yes of course both should happen (Sest for disabled person, seat for parent and child)

But the OP put the onus on the disabled person to make it happen.

There were three people. An able bodied person. A three year old. A disabled person.

The able bodied person confronted the disabled person.

That is how NOT to make it happen.

candykane25 · 04/04/2016 14:14

Thank dotforshort

Yes it's like people who park in blue badge bays " just for a minute" or cyclists who put their bikes in the space reserved for priority seating in trains, or people who focus on the 0.7% benefit fraud and forget the 99.7% non fraudulent claimants, ir the shops who provide a joint disabled loo and baby changing area, or people who won't let guide dogs into premises or taxis but think they are right. It's the same mentality.
People have no idea how hard to live in a society which constantly frustrated the ability to be able, it's not one little thing, it's all of it, all added up, all day long, every day, forever. Cos you know, they might be inconvenienced for five minutes.

Inkanta · 04/04/2016 14:14

'The thread won't die whilst people are refusing to understand the enablements society has a duty to provide for people who have disabilities.'

I think it would be more pro- active then to focus on the problem of adults on a bus who don't budge and offer their seats, - not on this standing mother and standing 3 year old who had her own predicament to endure.

candykane25 · 04/04/2016 14:26

inkanka I think that's been addressed several times.

What can be done proactively is that when a person with a disability asks for a seat, help them source a seat. Ask the other adults yourself to give up a seat if you can't give up your own.

Help, not confront.

Don't put onus on the disabled person to solve the riddle if you yourself are able bodied.

What do you suggest yourself inkanta ?

TheFairyCaravan · 04/04/2016 14:28

This thread is depressing. Life with a 3 yo is some times hard, life with a disability is usually always very difficult. The OP chooses to go out with her 3yo, a disabled person can't leave their disabilty at home for the day.

I use crutches, have done for years. We boarded the shuttle bus at Gatwick airport to take us from the car park to the terminal once. We had 2 young children and all the luggage. The seats were all taken up, mainly with families with young children. Not one person offered me their seat, or put their child on their lap. I was absolutely disgusted by their selfishness.

The man shouldn't have had to justify to anyone why he asked the OP for that seat. He just did. Maybe when the OP decided to get gobby she should have done so to the other passengers on the bus who saw her 3 yo vacate his seat!

suchafuss · 04/04/2016 14:46

I have a hidden disability and took to carrying my blue badge (when not in use) in my handbag. Over 3 days I had two people comment about how lazy I was to use a lift. Their faces when I took my badge out, tilted my head and asked 'have you heard of hidden disability' was priceless. YWBVVVU

Inkanta · 04/04/2016 14:47

Candy

I think there is responsibility on all sides -

I think a person with disabilities - unless they are neurological disabilities, has a responsibility to indicate what he needs directly to an adult, or show a pass.

Other's can help source a seat - yes.

I admit I have not come across the unkindness and abuse that some of you have endured on public transport. That needs tackling - or policing in some way.

I think a lot of frustration has been projected onto this mother and child. She is protecting her child - and if she gets edgy that's because the situation felt unsafe.

BishopBrennansArse · 04/04/2016 14:48

Oh shit! I was forgetting that people with disabilities are so. 'Other' that they have noooooo idea what it's like to have a three year old.

Because mine were born 7, 10 and 12.

Fucking Nora. Been there, got the t shirt. Still feeling you the three year old is the easy option.

Samcro · 04/04/2016 14:48

lol she felt to unsafe she had a go at the man......yeah right

BishopBrennansArse · 04/04/2016 14:49

Feeling telling

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/04/2016 14:53

Good conclusion above:

'Help not confront'

Something that would work for everyone, including parents, children and those pesky disabled people... There's more than enough to go around, if people are kind to each other.

So much better than the almost rabid urge to win / have at all costs which creates all these flash points and confrontations.

And in these confrontations driven by righteous desire to take shared resources, the disabled person will lose. I guess it comes down to, if you want to live in that world, keep on doing that. Just watch your back because the second you're ill or elderly or weaker in anyway, you become the loser. And what happens then?

TheFairyCaravan · 04/04/2016 14:53

I think a person with disabilities - unless they are neurological disabilities, has a responsibility to indicate what he needs directly to an adult, or show a pass.

The man did. He told the OP he was disabled and needed a seat.

Inkanta · 04/04/2016 14:54

'lol she felt to unsafe she had a go at the man......yeah right'

She told the man she wanted to find a seat for her boy first, and she was edgy. That's the nature of motherhood sometimes.

BishopBrennansArse · 04/04/2016 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Inkanta · 04/04/2016 14:58

'The man did. He told the OP he was disabled and needed a seat.'

He said 'I am disabled - can you move your son'.

She was already standing. He didn't ask a sitting adult.

KoalaDownUnder · 04/04/2016 14:59

Good grief, Inkanta, she was 'protecting her child and got edgy because the situation felt unsafe'? It's a bus ride, not a marauding tiger.

What she should have done was move her child immediately a disabled person asked, and then ask other passengers for their seat.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/04/2016 15:04

Or even just calmly and politely explain why she'd prefer not to have her child stand if possible and then help him find another volunteer.

But no, it's best to gang up on the disabled person instead. Confront confront confront confront... The default for life it seems. And be a much better and bigger person for it.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/04/2016 15:05

*He said 'I am disabled - can you move your son'.

She was already standing. He didn't ask a sitting adult.*

How many more times do you have to be told he probably asked the person who he thought was less likely to give him grief? Only he got that wrong didn't he?

SouthernComforter · 04/04/2016 15:09

I'm going to say that I can see your point of view. As a mum of a toddler and a baby I have regularly had people treat me rudely on a bus. There was a thread on my local parents' forum and every commenter said they had been talked about or been rude to on a bus - now I have a baby too I've only been on a bus once. So I do appreciate that buses are stressful and people sometimes pick on you because you're a soft target. And sometimes in that position you say or do something you might not say or do if you had longer to think about it. Depending on the situation it sounds to me as though one of the other people could have offered, or the dad with the baby, if he was wearing the baby or since he seemed so offended. Anyway, others have been harsher in their comments so I guess take it as a learning experience!

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2016 15:09

I travel on London buses quite frequently; I'm seriously Hmm at all these three year old's (or indeed full grown adults) being catapulted through the air every time the bus moves. There must be a hell of a lot of potholes round your way.

Sirzy · 04/04/2016 15:11

Surely if needed a 3 year old could sit on the floor on the parents feet?

MrRochestersDog · 04/04/2016 15:12

The OP chooses to go out with her 3yo, a disabled person can't leave their disabilty at home for the day.

Really daft comment Fairy

Obviously you can't leave a 3 YO home alone for the day either Confused.