To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

[YoJesse]

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

'People in that age group expect to be seated over a child.'

No they don't - not over a 3 year old!

so

man swears at the man with disability
op thinks hang on a min.....I have back up
and taps the man with disability and has a go
an op and her child is the victim
like f*

Right.
So 3 year olds ALWAYS trump disability, yes? Because they're only 3?

There are always going to be three year olds. People aren't just going to stop reproducing.

There are always going to be disabled people.

One group can be held firmly by a parent or that parent can ask for an alternative and face far less hostility than the other.

The other just has to suck it up despite any pain or actual damage that may ensue. Either that or risk derision, assault or harassment (which they know happens, it already happens regularly).

I've heard parents liken having young kids to being disabled before. They don't have a clue.

It's not "people in that age group" who expect to be seated over a child, it's disabled people who rightly expect to get priority. Frankly, I think it's ridiculous to expect the disabled person to stop and analyse all the people sitting in the priority seats and decide which of those most "deserves" the seat. They're perfectly entitled to ask the nearest person and if that's a 3 year old child, that's absolutely fine. The notion that 3 year olds have an entitlement to priority seating is ludicrous. And if a parent is unable to keep a 3 year old safe on a bus when standing, the parent should wait for a bus where s/he doesn't have to use priority seats.

Totally agree, Augusta

Cannot believe that people expect a disabled person to do a needs analysis of every person in the priority seats.

Disabled adult trumps healthy child any day, IMO. Yes, even if the child is 3. And if it doesn't, it should.

Personally I think it is the job of a parent to teach your 3yo how to behave in public spaces- and that includes sitting on somebody's lap if there is a shortage of seats. Yes, there may be occasional paddies and that will be annoying at the time, but the idea of not being able to do something because my (presumably NT) 3yo is going to kick off just doesn't sit right with me.

I used to tell stories on public transport; kept dc quiet and occupied.

Not read full thread but I have just been on holiday with a 3 year old where we used busy shuttle buses. I sat my 3 year old on my lap when I had a seat. On one occasion another mum took her msybe 5 year old on her lap to give me and my dd a seat. The oher occasion I stood at the very front of the bus snd it was scary trying to keep my balance and my 3 year old safe. On a previous bus joufney a man got up for me as I was carrying a toddler do it does happen.
so op I think maybe you should have sat with your child on your lap. I think the man asking your child to move was picking on an easy target but perhaps challenging him was ill advised.
lesson learnt.

They didn't ask the nearest person though. The man should have announced that he needed a seat in general and than the person most able to stand could have stood if they have a conscience.

Disabilities aren't always visible.
If you had any idea how difficult it is 34 hrs a day, 365 days a week it is to live with a disability and on top of that have to deal with how people treat you (this is a prime example). It's very stressful. You never relax. Everything is a challenge. Nothing can be assumed or taken for granted.
Both you and the dad with baby behaved very badly. I would be feeling very embarrassed and guilty if I were you.
It does not matter what the other young able bodied people were doing. It only matters what you did.
I have a disability and a toddler. If someone needed the seat I would move my toddler. She's absolutely fine to stand up and it teaches her the correct thing to do.
I feel very sorry for this man. You made a hard day even harder for him.

24hrs a day Obvs.

Id like to add also, reading many of the comments of parents of toddlers prioritising their toddler over disabled people. I am both.

I am a disabled person.

I am the mother of a toddler.

One is much more difficult than the other. Can you guess which it is?

Clue: it's not being the parent of a toddler.

You are not entitled to prioritise your child over a disabled person in the priority seats.

The "vitriol" is justified anger on behalf of the attitudes towards disability.

The disabled person, myself included, might not be able to see all the other seats or reach them and needs your help.

Either help by finding an appropriate seat for that person (not necessarily yours).

Or keep your toddler in a pram if they are not safe.

HELP a disabled person, not CONFRONT

It's not hard.

I sound cross with the OP because I am cross.

They didn't ask the nearest person though.

How do you know? Yes, OP says the man walked past the other seats, but he may have been looking first to see if any were empty. In fact, in buses in our area, you can't really walk past the priority seats without getting to the ordinary ones, there aren't many of them and they're all together. IME if people are going to ask for a seat on a bus they go for the people sitting on the aisle side, and it seems likely that that's where OP's DS was given that she was supervising him.

But, of course, the point is that it doesn't matter. The plain fact is that OP's son had no greater right to a seat than anyone else. If the man who said "Fucking hell" to the disabled man cared that much, he could have got up and given his seat to the 3 year old, or OP could have raised the question of her child's right to/need for a seat with that man or any of the other passengers; instead she chose to target the disabled man. Hardly attractive, is it?

A disabled person shouldn't be apologizing for requesting to sit in a priority seat.
You were BU if you confronted him instead of the young people. He might have felt like he always has to defend his right to use those seats which is bollocks because this is what they are for.

This idea that disabled people should 'announce that they need a seat in general' just makes me .

Why should they go through the embarrassment? Yes, great. Make a loud announcement, so that the whole bus is watching. Then stand there while everyone in the priority seats sizes each other up, and does the 'who'll crack first' dance.

Ffs.

Way to put the onus back on people whose lives are already hard enough.

Those saying he should have asked one of the others and pushed through feeling uncomfortable don't have a bloody clue despite me and others spelling it out on this thread. Disabled people are assaulted and abused and humiliated all the time over stuff like this. We avoid asking people for a seat because we're terrified not because it makes us uncomfortable. How many times have you been verbally abused while using public transport? How many times have you been 'confronted'? How many times have you been deliberately pushed? Kicked? Spat at? Tripped up? Knocked on the back of the head 'accidentally'? We face this every single bloody day. God forbid we should try and avoid being abused by asking your precious little snowflake to move.

Christ on a bike I'm done with this shit.

The rules are that any priority seat must be given up to the disabled. That's it. the fact the disabled man chose to ask someone who was likely to agree to move, rather than a fit young and probably forceful young man is by the by. You could have asked those fit men if they would get up if you dared risk it.

'God forbid we should try and avoid being abused by asking your precious little snowflake to move.'

Poor kid!

He gets it then. Stand up little boy - I daren't ask the adults!!