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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 03/04/2016 13:12

He's 3 so he could have sat on your lap. Impossible, because the op was standing!

Kummerspeck · 03/04/2016 13:33

I think you all also have to take on board that attitudes to children have changed dramatically in recent years. Mine are in their 20s now and it would have been really frowned upon to let them sit if any adult, able-bodied or not, was standing so parents automatically sat with their child on their knee, rather than standing and allowing the child to sit as often happens now. If I was not on here regularly and seen posts explaining younger parents views on this I might have thought that a child should not get a seat over an adult

I still remember vividly an experience in 1987 when, relatively early in my first pregnancy, feeling horribly light-headed and nauseous on a really hot day in rush hour on the tube, I managed to get a seat, not realising it was a priority one, only for some really loud, pompous twat to demand I should stand up for an older lady while the carriage was full of young, apparently fit people who all remained sitting. I stood but managed to say I was pregnant and felt quite ill so maybe he should be brave enough to ask one of the men sitting (all deliberately avoiding eye contact with anyone) before dissolving into sobs. The whole carriage including him and the woman who accepted the seat totally ignored me for the entirety of the journey!
I have never got over the humiliation!

ohtheholidays · 03/04/2016 13:41

OP that is awful! I don't always look like I'm disabled(what ever the fuck that means we don't have extra heads or eyes you know)but my disabilitys are killing me!

Heard the saying never judge a book by it's cover!

honkinghaddock · 03/04/2016 13:44

Someone on the bus, not necessarily in the priority seats, should have moved to allow you to sit with your child on your lap.

PintOfStellaAndBuckfastChaser · 03/04/2016 13:52

Kummerspeck Today 13:33
only for some really loud, pompous twat to demand I should stand up for an older lady

This is what I'm afraid of, should I have no option but to sit in the priority seat, other people thinking there's nothing wrong with me, and trying to embarrass me into giving up my seat.

Tw1nklestartoes · 03/04/2016 13:56

Yes of course you were unreasonable. I have Crohn's disease with inflammatory arthritis and can't stand for long or on moving transport and I don't often don't look unwell but am seriously ill. In a row of accessible seats it is easier to have the one closest to the exit or the one which as a bar or poly to hold to help stand and sit so who else if not disabled is sitting where is not relevant. Trains are the worse for it I tend to just ask generally loudly for a disabled seat and see if anybody in one offers it up. They often just look away instead then I have to say again and often it is somebody half way down the carriage that offers so I have to try and struggle to get there whilst people use priority seats as though they are no different. In future you should just give up a seat without question and if there are any decent people on the bus they should give up a seat to parents with small children too but that is a different issue.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/04/2016 13:57

It seems that the dad with the child and the op (when she tapped him on the shoulder) are the ones who embarrassed the man in this situation.

Even if the man was curt or abrupt when asking for the seat the op could still have refused if she felt her child deserved that seat.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/04/2016 13:58

The op wasn't intimidated by him as she felt brave enough to tap him on the shoulder and question him.

eidajbaby · 03/04/2016 14:55

I feel very sorry for op. I do think that anyone who gets on a train / bus and needs a priority seat should ask if anyone would be willing to give up their seat. Not by directing the question at any one person because you can't assume that they are fine to stand. Best way of avoiding embarrassment for everyone and is also polite.

BishopBrennansArse · 03/04/2016 15:07

That's nice that you feel that way. Unfortunately as per actual experiences of disabled posters recounted here we're quite often subjected to intimidation, abuse and harassment so we often feel we can't.

Sirzy · 03/04/2016 15:09

Although I agree that an asking in general idea is best often that will lead to everyone thinking someone else will move so nobody getting up.

Penguinepenguins · 03/04/2016 15:28

The OP has been really bashed here IMO on here, I don't think she should have tapped the "man" on the shoulder but if she asked him why he didn't ask someone else then it's not that bad, she didn't question is needing a seat just asked why he didn't ask someone else and yes fuelled by the dad, but you would think at this point a more able to stand person would get up (can't have all been disabled or wh hidden illnesses) it's more likely he picked the kid as he thought he could push over the kids mother. Priority seats are for people less able to stand a three year old cannot stand on a bus, so I don't get why are people telling her, her son should not have had a seat! This is crazy to me, a three year old standing on a bus what has the world come too! Having had the pleasure of standing on a London bus, no way in hell would I let a little kid do this, and still shocks me no body else got up to help her out!

I once witnessed a grown man slip on a bus only to find he tried to balance himself on the ladies next to me rather ample blossom... But that's a different story :)

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 03/04/2016 15:29

I have a 3yo. We get the bus to and from nursery every day - often very busy - and we also often get buses and tubes in and out of central London on the weekend. He can balance nearly as well as I can.

I don't let him sit on a priority seat if all the priority seats are taken. He, like me, is more capable of standing than most. Balance and manners are both most easily learned through practice.

Penguinepenguins · 03/04/2016 15:31

PS - I say all this with a hidden condition that means I physically can't stand still.

I have to dance about a bit and look like a) I'm crazy or b) I've shat myself and then no body wants to sit next to me let alone give me a seat

without collapsing for more than a few minutes.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/04/2016 15:34

Do people really view mums with children as being easy targets or a pushover? I've never had this opinion.

In fact people often complain about mums being "entitled" when out and about.

Maybe he was taught that children should give up seats for adults and that's why he asked the op to move her child.

Bodicea · 03/04/2016 15:49

Unreasonable of the man to expect a three year old to stand when there were adults that could have stood for him. That is dangerous. Am sorry but he was being ageist picking on a child. You had every right to say something to him. One of the adults should really have offers him or you son a chair at that point which would have made it easier for you.
If I had been asked I would have probably said can you ask another adult please first to make it less awkward.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/04/2016 16:05

"Not by directing the question at any one person"

I'm afraid if us annoying disabled people do this then no one gets up. It's that bystander thing, where people just stand and watch as an individual needs help desperately?

findingmyfeet12 · 03/04/2016 16:05

Ageist to ask a child to move rather than an adult? Give over.

Floggingmolly · 03/04/2016 16:19

Unreasonable of the man to expect a three year old to stand when there were adults who could have stood for him. I live in a completely different world, obviously. Thank God Hmm

Inkanta · 03/04/2016 16:24

This is crazy to me, a three year old standing on a bus what has the world come too!

Exactly! Just common sense to ask an able bodied adult to stand rather than a 3 year old child.

DropYourSword · 03/04/2016 16:32

Dear God! So this disabled man is supposed to magically know who would be the most appropriate person to ask for their seat. Have only skimmed the thread but has it not occurred to anyone else that he might have passed all the other seats first hoping or expecting someone to show a bit of common decency and give him their seat, and when it didn't happen he asked OP to move her son.
I don't think it's a generational thing. I'm only early thirties and would absolutely expect a 3 year old to give up their seat for someone with a disability.

Inkanta · 03/04/2016 16:37

'Dear God! So this disabled man is supposed to magically know who would be the most appropriate person to ask for their seat.'

Yes. Are you saying a person with disabilities is devoid of common sense and cannot be reasonable. Why choose the 3 year old when there are other options - other able bodied persons.

Janey50 · 03/04/2016 16:44

I have had people challenging me on the bus over my 'entitlement' to a priority seat,and it really upset me. I have bad osteoarthritis in my knees,ankles and hands so find it impossible to stand on a moving bus without getting thrown around. Apparently, I am 'too young' to have a disability. WTF?! Since when has having a disability depended on your age? And yes,I agree,a lot of disabilities are not always immediately obvious (problems with balance being one).

BishopBrennansArse · 03/04/2016 17:25

Am sorry but he was being ageist picking on a child

Thassit. Insanity has truly set in.
Being a child is a temporary state. Disability isn't.

DropYourSword · 03/04/2016 17:26

Why choose the 3 year old when there are other options - other able bodied persons.

Why not choose him. There could be a total of 7 other threads asking why they were chosen to give up their seats.