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Original poster

Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

234 replies

Watchingnetflix · 31/03/2016 22:12

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 01/04/2016 15:00

Sorry but I agree with wotoo. Op get a grip and stop this situation from hurting your children. Why are you still with him?? Get him out and give your children the safe and secure childhood they deserve. Put them first for goodness sake.

grapejuicerocks · 01/04/2016 15:04

What do your dc think of him op? Perhaps ask them their honest opinion?

watodoo has a point here, though I disagree with the rest of her lovely post!

Asking the children whether they like him normally may help you make a decision. They may be uncomfortable with him even when he is on better behaviour, but havent wanted to say.

Whilst my boundaries would be no way would anyone ever speak to me like that, I can see that you love him and you feel he had been making a big effort. It isn't easy to change a lifetime habit, but there is no way on earth that you should accept him carrying on.

If you really feel he's a good man at heart but has anger issues that he has been trying with, then it may, repeat may, be worth giving him another chance on the condition he does do anger management classes. You say he will never consider it, then fine he is the one making the decision to split up. Your decision is made for you. If that is the only way to keep you then he may go for it. If not, well his loss.

He has proved that he can't conquer this on his own, despite his best efforts. Is he willing to try it with professional help?

Please don't back down and carry on as you are. He has shown you who he is.

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:07

Look, as I've said he's never behaved like this in front of the kids before, I haven't been putting them in an abusive situation. this is the first time anything like this had happened in front of them and I'm doing my best to try and deal with it and get my head round what needs to happen on about 3 hrs sleep and feeling ill all day and shell shocked.

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 01/04/2016 15:08

What is wrong with some men and women?? Why can't they understand that their choice of partner needs to be a good role model for their dc otherwise they will cause their dc untold damage?

Or is it not a priority to care about the effects of a toxic adult behaviour on children?

Just bring dc into the world and so what about their emotional and mental health?

No wonder mental health issues become a huge problem in if the basic welfare and needs of dc are not met in a loving, safe and HAPPY home.

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:10

I know the kids love him and like having him around and I will talk to them, I've already assured them it will never happen again and said it's totally unacceptable but I need to feel a bit stronger after a decent night's sleep to talk further

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 01/04/2016 15:11

You are putting them in an abusive situation love. Kids pick up on a lot more than we'd like to think. And just because he hasn't lashed out at them yet, doesn't mean he never will. And now he has done it in front of them, that's one barrier crossed. By abusing you, he is abusing them.

And more than that - just because he hasn't done it in front of the kids until now, what about you? He's doing this to you. Just because there are no witnesses to it, doesn't make it less severe.

SonjasSister · 01/04/2016 15:12

It's shit losing a parent. But it doesn't mean you have to start swearing at your partner. He is making you responsible for his bad behaviour, responsible for 'managing' him so he doesn't go off at you or the kids. But even when things are hard for him, managing his behaviour is his responsibility. Not yours.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 01/04/2016 15:12

But the only way you can assure them it will never happen again is to leave him. Otherwise, you can't promise that.

grapejuicerocks · 01/04/2016 15:13

I mean she has some good points but she's been too harsh. that's what i disagree with especially the women and bad name bit.

SonjasSister · 01/04/2016 15:13

Poor you OP, you must feel awful.

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:16

Bloody hell, I'm NOT sat back thinking this is OK, or defending him, i agree it's appalling, unacceptable and should not be tolerated regardless of what's happened to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:17

Yes I do feel awful, bloody awful

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2016 15:19

"I meant how to proceed in terms of finishing things, logistically how best to go about it with minimum drama. Also want to remove myself from here right now"

" I rent and everything is in my name solely."
In purely logistical terms, this makes things considerably easier for you. There is no arguing over 'rights' - the house is yours. If you google 'how to change a lock' you can find info on every type of lock and how to change them. It's easier than you think, and surprisingly cheap.

Would I be right in thinking that the only things in your home that are 'his' would be his clothes/toiletries, maybe a games console/DVDs? Think about bagging his stuff up for him to come and pick up.

What do you mean by 'remove yourself from here'? Do you purely not want to see him face-to-face? You sound as if you struggle with confrontation due to your childhood (and as an aside, I expect he has used that against you, to manipulate you) so I get that, but I think this is one of those situation where it would be best to deal with it all ASAP - going away for a few days would just delay the inevitable Sad and possibly do your stomach no good at all (my sympathies - my internals don't like this sort of thing either).

StrictlyMumDancing · 01/04/2016 15:23

Don't worry about saying you love him. Just because he's been a twat doesn't mean you don't love him any more. I'm sure all of us have loved someone at one point who turned out to be a twat.

It is ok to dump someone for being a twat, even if they're grieving. Especially if its for a repeat of behaviour you've already said is unacceptable. Because bad things will happen, and bad moods will happen - that's life. But if his default is to go somewhere you aren't comfortable with when bad things happen without remorse then you're doomed to have this happen again.

Good luck with trying to extricate yourself with minimal fuss. The only thing I can suggest is that, like an OP suggested, you tell him to go and look after his DM for a while.

grapejuicerocks · 01/04/2016 15:26

If he wont agree to professional help with his anger then going away for a few days is just delaying the inevitable really. Perhaps just best to rip the sticking plaster off and get it over with.
Text him and tell him that it is over unless he considers anger management classes. Say that you are willing to discuss things with him if that is a possibility, otherwise he can collect his things at x place at x time.
That shows you are serious. You can still not have him back later if that is what you decide, but there is no point even talking if he's not prepared to seek help. Or there shouldn't be.

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:26

I think I want to get away for a bit to feel stronger, in order to deal with this. couldn't believe how long I was shaking for last night and how fragile I feel today. Not loads of his stuff here, lots in garage but that doesn't matter. I don't want to do anything or speak to him while he's angry to be honest, would like him to calm down first

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:32

There is one other reason I don't want to confront him now as he's supposed to put our agreed sum of money in my account on the 1st and I'm still hoping he'll do that. Don't think for a minute he will if I tell him to do one. I know it's 'only money' but I literally can't get through the month without it and have no one to ask to help out financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 15:34

I can cope financially after this month as I can up hours and tax credits will change. I really struggle as it is

OP posts:
SonjasSister · 01/04/2016 15:38
Flowers
deeedeee · 01/04/2016 15:38

haven't read the whole thread, just the first page of "LTB"s and was moved to comment

When my mum died I was completely taken aback at how much anger I felt. I completely lost it loads about ridiculous things. Couldn't cope with stressful situations at all.

I think people under estimate how harsh grief can be, and how it much it can show itself as stress, anger, fear, depression, anxiety. Especially if you are holding it together and trying to be strong.

3 weeks after my mum died I was still hiding in bed, bursting into tears at everything.

I feel very sorry for your husband. He sounds like he's in the thick of grief.

grapejuicerocks · 01/04/2016 15:40

Fair enough. And you are right in that he may consider things a little more rationally once he's calmed down.

Be strong
Thanks

BlueFolly · 01/04/2016 15:46

deeedeee was he in the thick of grief all the other times that he has behaved like this?

diddl · 01/04/2016 15:48

You can't assure the kids that it won't happen again as it's down to him, not you!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 15:53

DeeDee I think you should read all op posts as she gives additional info about him and his behaviour

deeedeee · 01/04/2016 15:58

like i said blue folly, i only read the first page, i don't know the back ground. could be he's a complete tosser in the thick of grief . i'll leave that for the OP to judge.

I just didn't like the comments about "just because he's lost a parent" etc. Nothing prepared me for how much of a sledgehammer grief was/is. It's different for everyone, but for some it's horrendous, and i related to the anger. I found myself screaming and crying through life for months.

of course if he's a history of anger and violence, he needs help. As losing a parent isn't going to make it any easier for him to control or understand that tendency in himself. Not saying though that the OP has to be the one to help him! Proffessional help.

anyway as you were, just don't belittle the potential effects of grief. Just think yourself lucky that you haven't experienced it in that way.