Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

[Watchingnetflix]

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

[Aeroflotgirl]

Please do not ask him for the money, there are other ways, crisis loan etc, go the the CAB and contact Woman's Aid for advice on where to go. He is a nasty abusive prick, who is using the death of his mother to justify treating you like shit. No I don't think he has forgotten about the money, he knows you need it, its another form of control, that abusers use. His actions speak volumes op, you are now getting the measure of him, and how he really is, it is not nice, and not somebody I would like to have in my life that's for sure. Ignore some on here painting you as the evil witch, and abandoning him in his time of need . They are on another planet altogether.

[Aeroflotgirl]

yes yes Math the voice of reason, do not involve your children in the decision making, that is not their responsibility. Your children are not old enough to make that kind of decision, if I remember your ds is 4 and the other 1.

[Watchingnetflix]

They're 10 and 15 so not as young. I'm just packing at the moment, will worry about money after the weekend tbh.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sorry that was another thread recently on Mumsnet, with an op with a twat of a husband.

[Topseyt]

Going to stay with family for some breathing space will be a good idea.

Make double sure though that you lock and barricade the house properly though so that he cannot get in. If you find when you get back that he has tried then report attempted burglary to the police.

Try to have a friend or neighbour keeping an eye out for any comings and goings while you are not there.

[purpleglitter08]

Please don't minimise what you have been through. I have recently got out of a similar relationship and just the feeling of coming home and knowing it is really my sanctuary, that the environment is now happy, calm and peaceful, for me and my child, means everything and makes the stress of what I went through to get here so worthwhile. He also left owing me huge amounts of money. I just wanted him out and decided to deal with everything else after he had gone. I took it as a step by step process. Go with your gut, and get you and your children out of this situation. It will all be worth it in the end, I promise you.

[bloodypassword]

I think you know what you need to do really. I feel for you because it's not easy binning someone ( I've been there and it's just horrible) but this man sounds nasty. If you don't end it for you, end it for your kids. They don't need this bully in their lives and nor do you. It won't get any better. Even with his Dad dying this behaviour is totally out of bloody order. Don't put up with this shit. And good luck. x

[Aeroflotgirl]

As time passes and he is not even apologising for speaking and treating you in an abusive way, I think confirm what he really feels about you, what your next steps must be. It will be very easy to put his stuff in the shed and turf him out of YOUR home.

[mathanxiety]

The DCs still cannot be consulted on this. You have to make whatever decisions you make on their behalf , and for yourself of course.