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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

234 replies

Watchingnetflix · 31/03/2016 22:12

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 01/04/2016 09:13

If you have a shed or garage put his belongings in there and when you have changed the locks, let him know when he can collect his things and that he is not to attempt to talk to you or come into the house because he does not live there any more and you do not want any further contact with him. Job done.

aintnothinbutagstring · 01/04/2016 09:15

Is he the biological father of either of your children? What's he bringing to the table in this relationship? Its not the grief that's talking if he spoke to you like that before his dad died.

The driving issue would be an absolute deal breaker, as someone who has been involved in a serious RTA, there's no way I would put my kids in a car with someone like that, no way, and if you value your own and your children's lives, neither would you. It sounds like he's an accident waiting to happen.

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 09:19

He came back to sleep I guess

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 01/04/2016 09:19

There have been countless occasions he's had a go, snapped at me, shouted at me, stropped off and I've sucked it up, I've done my best to be there for him and be understanding.

Please get rid of him. You and your children deserve MUCH better.

scampimom · 01/04/2016 10:03

I used to have anger problems, and would strop, yell, storm off etc. There was no excuse for it, I was being a twat. It was all about me and how I felt. I would not have listened to anyone telling me to calm down (although I don't think anyone in the history of the world has ever calmed down because of someone telling them to!), in fact people trying to talk to me about it made me angrier. I felt i was being got at.

My point is, the problem was not other people "causing" my erratic mood swings and behaviour. It was me, and I needed to get help. I did, and it took me a long time, but now I'm a much nicer person. I now deserve my lovely DH and DC.

Your DP does not yet deserve you. You are not his therapist, you were not put on this earth to help him through his issues. He has to sort it out for himself. Meanwhile, you and your DC can only remove yourselves from the warzone - either by removing him or by getting away. He's a bomb. Don't stand close.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 10:03

OP please sit down with your children and explain to them about death, pain and grief, and how it can make perfectly normal people act in a way that can seem scary and unpredictable to those around them. Reassure them that those people are still the same underneath it, that their behaviour is temporary, and that even though it may be frightening to see them angry you would never let anything bad happen to them and that they are safe.

Tell them that even though your dp is grieving and that made him act in a way he wouldn't normally do, that doesn't make it okay, he is still responsible for his actions and none of you have to put up with it. Tell them that even though you understand he's suffering they can trust that you have spoken to him and are making sure he will not frighten them again.

Based on your original post I would have said things were recoverable if you wanted them to be. Your further posts imply you don't want it to be. Either way is absolutely fine.

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 10:11

your dp is grieving and that made him act in a way he wouldn't normally do

Except he does normally do it. Have you read the thread?

It always amazes me how many women will fall over themselves to minimise and excuse abusive men. Go and take a long hard look at yourselves those who are doing it. Ask yourself why you feel that need.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 10:12

Except he does normally do it. Have you read the thread?

I have Rude, but this was a monologue for the benefit of the children, who OP says have not seen him act this way before and were scared. Did you read my post?

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 10:12

you have spoken to him and are making sure he will not frighten them again

The only way OP can make sure of that is to never have them near him again.

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 10:14

I have Rude, but this was a monologue for the benefit of the children,

The children will be well aware of his personality. They may not have witnessed before exactly what they saw last night but i can guarantee you they will already have developed a fear of him. Men like him work with a constant undercurrent of "may explode at any time" Op knows exactly what i am talking about.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 10:16

The only way OP can make sure of that is to never have them near him again

Then that's what she'll do isn't it. I don't think she needs to specify to us or the kids what she's going to do, and from reading the thread it looks like this is her top priority - she's had some great advice - and all the kids need to know is mum's on top of it.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 10:22

Rude, as I said, he is still the same underneath. So that's pretty unspecific on my part.

You folks have pretty much covered the general advice aspect and OP seemed to have reached her own decision, I just wanted to chime in with my two cents on how I'd go about framing it the children. No-one seemed to have touched on it.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 10:22

*TO the children

Lanark2 · 01/04/2016 10:33

You could frame it like this. Emotions are scary and overwhelming, but not allowed.

You will be punished and isolated if I don't agree with the emotions you are having, or with how they are expressed.

I will lock you out if I decide I need to, irrespective of your need for shelter, so if you are angry with me, make sure you also prepare yourself mentally for total abandonment and/or a night on the streets.

stopandstandup123 · 01/04/2016 10:37

There is a grief cycle and part of it is anger. Not sure if he is in it or just an angry piece of work in general.

He sounds like a bit of a child to me and if a child threw this provocative tantrum you would set firm boundaries. As he is too big for the naughty step you could think about asking him to remove himself to his mother's house to support her when he is not at work. If he is so upset it makes his swear at you and dc's, and grieving for his dad it would be good for him to go and do his filial duty. (For that read bugger off and give you some space).

A bit of distance and exclusion from your life for a bit may set those boundaries.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 10:46

Lanark don't be so stupid. He has treated op in an appointment calling way, he was like this before his mouth mum died. Shame on you for supporting such abuse. I think you should read op posts very carefully. Grief is no excuse for abuse, op has every right to keep such individual away from her.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 10:47

My goodness my autocorrect is awful

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 10:53

Was it "appallingly callous" Aeroflot?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 11:00

Appallingly eatsleep,

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 11:05

Eatsleep he is like this op is scared and fearful of him. It is not recoverable as he does not want to help himself, is minimising op concerns laughing at her and doing the same. He has not apologised and tried to make amends. This will probably get worse, it already has, no he has an excuse to justify his abusive actions when he did not before!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 11:09

Meant he is normally like this before his mum died, it's his responsibility to deal with his behaviour and get help, he is not

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 11:59

It's par for the course for him to have a go at me when things are difficult for whatever reason. I've had my own problems lately, as have some friends but his standard response has been 'well at least you're dad isn't dying' please don't take this the wrong way but it's almost like it's been a trump card iyswim?

I do feel utterly awful saying that but that's what it's felt like at times

OP posts:
mummyto2monkeys · 01/04/2016 12:04

I will be honest, I have a brother who behaves like this, thankfully he is single although every relationship he has had has ended because of his verbal abuse and temper. He is never going to change, when bad things happen my brother loses it, then hates himself afterwards for it. We are trying to get my brother into an anger management program, or at the very least counselling (he has ptsd, although was explosive before that happened) . However he has to want to help himself. I have restricted contact to my children as I don't want them exposed to his awful behaviour. I am so grateful that he is single and I would be very concerned if he was around children in a relationship. The truth is that unless he recognises his own issues and seeks help this will continue to happen. You have children to protect and to be honest you deserve so much better! I would call about getting the locks changed. I would also call him and tell him that unless he gets help for his ongoing issues you can't risk exposing your children to his temper. Inform him that you will be changing the locks and that if he tries to break into your home or is abusive to you again you will call the police. I would ask a friend/ relative to be at your house so that he can collect his things.

Your partner knows about your childhood (?), he knows the emotional damage this has caused you! So he should understand why you can't risk your children being exposed to his anger.

mummyto2monkeys · 01/04/2016 12:10

I just want to clarify that I have restricted my brothers contact with my children. I realised it sounded like I had restricted my own contact.
My children love their uncle, so he still sees them but he lost it in front of my autistic son once so I am very careful about how often they see him. My husband is always with us and my brother h as been warned that if he behaves that way again I will stop him seeing the.

MartinaJ · 01/04/2016 12:13

Ah yeah, so he has always been verbally abusive. Well, why are you still with him? He will never be better. You are better rid off him.