Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

[Watchingnetflix]

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

[glasgowlass]

Lock the door. Grieving is no excuse for his knobbishness.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I hate it the way some on here, are minimising and excusing verbally abusive behaviour!

[Watchingnetflix]

His driving has often been an issue, I didn't let him drive my car for a few months after he was reversing crazy fast down a narrow lane, I'd asked him to slow down and he laughed at me then crashed into a bollard outside someone's house! He never bloody fixed the bumper after promising he would make good.

[Aeroflotgirl]

How long are you going to excuse him verbally abusing you because his father died. You have said he will go mad if you spoke to him like that, so it's ok for him to demean yiu and loose it at you then!

[Dontlaugh]

CanadaMoose I wouldn't consider it to be a massive deal in the long run, some people struggle to communicate during hard times and regret the things they let slip during a particularly rough patch.

The 1950's called, they're wondering when you'll be back.
What should we tell them?

[Aeroflotgirl]

God op I would run for the hills, he sounds derranged! You deserve better!

[rainbowstardrops]

Losing his dad is not an excuse to behave like this to you in front of your children.
If he's that upset/distraught/stressed right now then maybe he shouldn't be driving.
Oh and I would definitely mention to other half if he was driving too fast or erratically - especially if my children were in the car!
Lock the door and go to bed and let the stroppy idiot get on with it.

[acasualobserver]

I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father?

He's already taken whatever leeway he might have been entitled to and then ten times more. Frankly, this would be game over for me.

[CanadaMoose]

I didn't say it was ok to use that language, just that it isn't worth breaking up over. A relationship counsellor would be helpful to get over this, and DP should also be seeking individual help. But being called a few names that likely weren't genuine (which happens when people are angry and don't deal well with emotions) should not end an otherwise happy partnership.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

He is not 'behaving like a child' or 'an idiot'. I think in some ways you are minimising his behaviour. Children, and idiots, do not call people they love cunts. Sorry. Anger on this level is never good. My XH used to do this sort of thing (the anger, not name-calling). Never got any better, in fact it got worse. Sorry... x

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I realise this sounds very cynical, but given his long history of poor behaviour; could he be using 'grief' as an excuse? A get-out-of-jail-free-card that allows him to not bother reining himself in, because people will make allowances? And thinking that way, his behaviour ramps up? Would that be consistent with his past behaviours?

[Aeroflotgirl]

canada there is no excuse for thus behaviour, please don't minimise it. It sounds like his behaviour was concerning before his dad died, since then it has gotten worse. The effect on the kids can be very bad.

[Aeroflotgirl]

wheretiuleftit exactly, he has an excuse for his behaviour now his dad has died, so has to try less to keep it in. Op this really is not acceptable.

[RudeElf]

I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father?

He called you a cunt. You give him none. You have had a very clear insight into who this person is. And yes, this is him. Calling you a cunt is not because he is grieving, its because he is a man who calls women 'cunt' and will find an excuse to do it.

Did he take off in your car? If so tell him to return it immediately and have his shit in a bag at the door for when he does. He doesnt deserve a space in your brain let alone your home.

[Watchingnetflix]

He definitely has a history of when things are difficult using it as an excuse for poor behaviour. Most definitely. When his father died I knew there would be a shitstorm along the way

[Fatmomma99]

I lost my dad and I was/am sad as a sad thing about it. But it made me turn TO the ones I love who are still here, not alienate them.

My DH once called me a "stupid cow" in front of DD (nothing like a fucking cunt!) and I still HATE the message that gave her, and so does he.

Grief is grief, but abuse is still abuse and we shouldn't excuse or minimise it.

You have DC. Would it be acceptable to you for your son to call his future partner a fucking cunt?
Is it acceptable for your daughter to be described this way by a boyfriend?

When you accept this for yourself in front of your children, you are giving them the message this is ok for them. Do you think it is?

[Watchingnetflix]

This episode had just made me think it's just not good enough and I can't risk this happening again

[RudeElf]

hasn't happened for ages though but never in front of the kids before.

This turns into "hes shoved me around before but never infront of the kids" and then "he's hit me before but has never hurt the kids"

Get out now.

[Watchingnetflix]

Fatmomma99 no I totally don't think this is OK, I think it's awful and I never want my kids to hear such things again

[CanadaMoose]

OP asked for perspective, and this is mine. I don't think being called a cunt is worth ending a relationship if DP is willing to get help to control his anger. People are flawed and I'm sure we've all flown off the handle once or twice. The important thing is moving on and making a better situation for both of you and your children.

That said, if DP's anger is that bad and doesn't change with help, then I would reconsider the relationship.

[Happyat40]

OP you used the word "fear" in your first post - please hold that in the front of your mind when making a decision about your future.

This man sounds as though he has an antisocial personality.

You had trauma as a child - you're mothering instincts are right to kick in - this man poses at the very least a risk of emotional harm to the wellbeing of your DC. He has evidenced that already.

Don't let history repeat itself .

You sound like a wonderful mother - channel your energies into those precious beings instead.

[RudeElf]

OP i have a zero tolerance policy on name calling. I will not ever accept it from my DC or any partner. In fact, i dont even tolerate raised voices. Maybe i'm too hard but i have experience of what happens when you allow it a little bit. A little bit becomes a bit more and a bit worse and a bit more often until it is just how he talks to you. Well NO! Just no, full stop. Accept none of it. Make that decision now.

[Happyat40]

Canada are you male.

[RudeElf]

Op had every right to tell him to slow down, if he was driving too fast and unsafely.

She had every right to make him stop the car and either fuck off or sit in the passenger seat. I would have.

[CanadaMoose]

I am not male.