Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

[Watchingnetflix]

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

[Goingtobeawesome]

He isn't lashing out because he's hurting. He's lashing out because he wants too, because he knows he will get away with it and because he wants to control, upset and hurt you. He also doesn't care about your children.

[kittybiscuits]

Holy shit. Maybe OP could bake his favourite cake for when he's calmed down?

[Fionajsd]

Hope your ok this morning, I've no words of wisdom but hope your safe.
I wouldn't stay if it was me but I am the same as u , avoid confrontation so living in fear like that all the time I just couldn't do it x

[Throwingshadeagain]

Yes indeed kitty, and also maybe if the kids are really really 'good' and are perfectly quiet around him, he won't get angry

[MrsSparkles]

Having re-read in detail I think you're right Aeroflot - he won't (I missed a couple of the OP's posts). Would he if OP said it's that or I leave? Would it help in that situation - I've never been there but I assume that a person has to want to change for any sort of counselling to work.

Hope your DC are ok this morning watching.

[cakeycakeface]

My DH sometimes drives too fast and I always pull him up on it. If the kids are in the car he also gets, "It terrifies me you might be doing this when I 'm not here to stop you !" He always slows down, apologises. If he called me a fucking cunt it would shock me to my core and I think we'd both know we couldn't come back from that. If he did it in front of my kids I think he'd pack his own bags and leave without me saying a word! I couldn't tolerate what you've described OP, regardless of circumstances. That's a horrible way to live.

[SootSprite]

Morning OP, hope your children are feeling okay this morning.

His behaviour is unacceptable, IMHO, if you are feeling generous I'd give him one chance to get counselling for his anger and when if he refuses then you should end it. Or just end it, he doesn't sound very nice at all, sorry

[acasualobserver]

Acasualobserver. Sorry? What was the comment to achieve? It could come across as the largest game play of all

I think Eric Berne might have been a bit pissed off if he knew that TA was being used to blame victims for their own abuse.

[MLGs]

Hope you are ok OP.

It's the fact you knew he would kick off when his father died that shows me he is being abusive and it's part of a cycle. I agree with those who say get rid.

I know it's harder than just saying "LTB". I am in the process of separating from someone who has behaved in similar ways, especially re the driving.

[UpsiLondoes]

Given you hate confrontations to this extent, I think t's time to strategise how to break up without shit hitting the fan and inflaming the situation. Because he will pile on the guilt and manipulate you.

I wouldn't try to propose a pemanent end to the relationship with him right now as he will just have a huge confrontation with you about what a horrid person you are for leaving him at his hour of need. And it doesn't sound like this is something you will deal with well, and may even cave in if he keeps at you with emotional blackmail.

I'd frame it to say you seem to wind him up the wrong way at the moment no matter how much you try not to - so while you want to support him and understand his grief, you personally aren't right to support him right now because you cannot handle the way he behaves when he gets upset. Tell him you understand but due to your own circumstances, etc. The classic it's me it's not you... And yes yes I'm horrible that I can't even support you when your dad died, your absolutely right. (You see, nothing to confront and argue about if you agree it's all "me bad, you just grieving). Suggest you take a month break to let him deal with his grief, make him think it's him that's walking away from you.

And then just go silent.

If he does try to "win you back" just calmly say life is full of shite thrown at you and we aren't a good fit - we're fine when things are good but look at what happened to us when your Dad died... I couldn't "support" you the way you needed.

Etc.

Asswipes like these are easier to get rid of if they can walk way without an ego dent.

I'm more of a confrontational shouty McShouter than someone who slinks away from an arguement - so I'm suggesting this as a strategy that I couldn't really argue with myself. :-)

[Aeroflotgirl]

How the hell is op playing games? She calmly asked him to stop his erratic driving, it seems as though op was calm and reasonable. I did not know op is responsible for her partners behaviour, I really thought as an adult, he is . Mabey op you should throw him a welcome party and bake his favourite cake? And apologise for making him behave like that towards you?

I agree sparkles, I am glad you have read op subsequent posts.

[Stars1]

Do you own a house together?

[SweetTeaVodka]

OP, it is absolutely not acceptable for you partner to talk to you in that manner, and especially not in front of the children (I agree with a PP it's not necessarily bad for children to hear adults disagree as this is part of a normal healthy relationship, but what you have described is not a healthy disagreement but verbal abuse).

I don't tend to wade into relationship advice on here, but I will offer to you the advice my therapist gave me following an abusive relationship - if it was your daughter/sister/best friend describing the behaviours you've outlined in this thread, what would you advise them? Would you want them to continue being treated this way? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to speak to people?

[Watchingnetflix]

Thanks for comments everyone. No, I rent and everything is in my name solely.

I'm in bits this morning, dreadful upset stomach, I even threw up a while back. Ds2 and I went down first thing and he was asleep on sofa, I don't think I locked back door properly as it's tricky and we never lock it. I took ds2 back upstairs and when I went back down I just saw him disappearing out back door.

Got to take car to garage shortly so better buck up I suppose.

If I asked him to go to anger management he'd tell me to get over myself tbh. Also the driving thing, he always says he's an excellent driver but everyone thinks he goes too fast and I always tell him 'even if you are you have to take into account any idiot drivers on the road'

[Watchingnetflix]

No, no I don't want my kids thinking this is OK and I'd be horrified if a friend told me this happened to her

[Pufflehuff]

OP, your post was frightening. It is completely out of the realm of normal for him to behave like that. He wants to crush you to make himself feel better, hurt you, scare you into submission.

"I am so glad everyone on Mumsnet is such a paragon of good behaviour and never does or says anything they regret in anger!"

Funnily enough... yeah, yeah I am, because when I get angry I focus on the thing that makes me angry. "That exhaust is so annoying!" "The oven ruined my apology cake!" I don't scream in my husband's face he's a fucking cunt.

Almost as scary are those who believe it's just peachy to scream that your partner is a cunt in their face, drive unsafely with her children in the car (or without them, driving unsafely is never really on) or that a recent death is making him extra sad. He's an adult. People die. Get the fuck over it. You don't get to abuse your loved ones because someone's carked it. Children do that. Maybe teens. Adults get on with it.

OP he's shown you his true colours. Once everything 'returns to normal' he will find another reason to be angry with you - you know, for committing crimes like speaking to him - and he now knows that shouting at you doesn't stop you committing these terrible crimes. He won't shout forever. Shouting will have lost its effect for him. It won't make him feel like the big, strong man anymore. Like the man who smashes items or hurts animals to show his partner what he is capable of and could happen to her if she 'steps out of line', he has shown you how he wishes to resolve disagreements. You are strong. You know this is wrong and you have not let it beat you.

Don't let him back in. If you need to, seek legal advice (CAB, solicitor's free first hour etc) and rally friends and family for help and support. The more the ball starts rolling, the stronger you'll feel, and he'll fade from memory like a bad anecdote.

[Pufflehuff]

Ew, he snuck into your house and then out again? Coward.

[rainbowstardrops]

I'd start making sure you lock both doors

[Aeroflotgirl]

Tbh it is easier to throw him out then! He was in the house, and snuck out without talking or apologising to you. He is not relationship material. And the extra formation you have given really show him up to be an abusive prat.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would ask to change the locks.

[bettyberry]

OP go with your gut.

when you go get your car fixed get on to your landlord to fix the locks!

If you can get a secondary lock/bolt for the doors, wedge something behind them - door stops work wonders for this!

If I asked him to go to anger management he'd tell me to get over myself tbh

^^ this. He'll never change. He doesn't see a problem and wont. Sorry.

[Purplebluebird]

I'm sorry but I would not put up with this, even when grieving. You don't call your other half names, you just don't. Especially not in front of the kids, it's just not on. There would be no coming back from this for me :(

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

What did he come back for?

[Topseyt]

Lock or heavily barricade the back door.

Stop focusing on his grief about his father. Focus instead on his systematic abuse of you. He will use any old excuse and the death of his father, sad though it is, is just the current one. There will be more because he is a total arsehole.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

Listen to your mothering instincts and get rid. My NDN has always had a temper but since his DM died he's been arrested several times for beating up all the gfs he's had. The excuse is always his DM has died. She died nearly 3 years ago now, and he uses it for an excuse for everything he does nastily to anyone. He has even gone for his own brother in the street because brother told him DMs death did not excuse his behaviour.

Ds2 and I went down first thing and he was asleep on sofa, I don't think I locked back door properly as it's tricky and we never lock it. I took ds2 back upstairs and when I went back down I just saw him disappearing out back door.

I find that quite terrifying. Seems like a reminder that your feelings don't matter and he will do what he wants.