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Original poster

Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

234 replies

Watchingnetflix · 31/03/2016 22:12

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

OP posts:
AmserGwin · 01/04/2016 12:19

If anyone spoke to me like that in front of my kids and upset them it would be game over. Totally unacceptable, he is a grown man, there are no excuses. LTB

MrsSparkles · 01/04/2016 13:10

I don't want to turn this into a theoretical debate, but we do tend to lash out at loved ones when we're angry or hurt because you feel safe - in the way a child does with its parents because they trust they will love and support you. It's not how you behave with work collaegues or friends, that's just human nature. Some people are much better at keeping at managing their emotions than others.

This is not in any way to vindicate watchings DP's behaviour, which is pretty vile and -more importantly - ongoing. I assume your ideal outcome would be he changes and you stay together? But if he's not willing to do what it takes for that (eg therapy etc) should you look to leave. Yes - because you're not happy as you are and you won't be able to change him on your own without him buying in to any of it. From what you've said I'm not even sure saying therapy or we break up would work.

Bottom line - if you're not happy where you are (which you understandably don't souns), look at what you can do to change the situation, don't rely on him to do anything.

SylviaWrath · 01/04/2016 13:15

Never mind the rest of it, how many times are you going to let this dangerous driver put your children in danger? Stop letting him drive them, ffs!

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 13:43

I said to myself on the way home this is the last time he drives us, I once put him out of the car when I picked him up from the pub and he was ranting at drivers then leant over me to blast my horn at some old dear who was driving a bit slowly.

He must still be fuming as no word of apology. Think I'm going to go away for a few days with the kids and gather my thoughts as to how best to proceed

OP posts:
SylviaWrath · 01/04/2016 13:51

Dump him, thats how best to proceed. You'be be mad to consider anything else.

Throwingshadeagain · 01/04/2016 13:56

OP

Why are you with him? Can you answer that?

Many people have asked you why you don't just leave him but you are not answering.

He's a shit and you don't have children together and you don't have to live like this.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

MartinaJ · 01/04/2016 13:59

He must still be fuming as no word of apology. Think I'm going to go away for a few days with the kids and gather my thoughts as to how best to proceed

You sound like you can't wait to be back with him. I am absolutely gobsmacked. Please put your children and your dignity first. There are many fishes in the sea so why be stuck with a rotten one?

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 14:01

Obviously I love him and he's made a massive effort to improve his temper and it's been ages since he was a dick, in fact I thought our relationship was on a good footing and there had been occasions where before he would have behaved poorly but instead chose to deal with things in a more adult manner. Then his dad got poorly and things went back. I think one of the reasons I was so shocked was I thought we were past this

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 14:03

MartinaJ

I meant how to proceed in terms of finishing things, logistically how best to go about it with minimum drama. Also want to remove myself from here right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 01/04/2016 14:04

PS I know 'I love him' sounds pathetic.

OP posts:
Vixyboo · 01/04/2016 14:09

One thing: show your children now that this is unacceptable by saying goodbye to this man. If you show your children now then they will respect you and ultimately have more respect for themselves because they will see what not to tolerate.

MartinaJ · 01/04/2016 14:11

Fingers crossed for you. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

SonjasSister · 01/04/2016 14:19

You may indeed love him. He may say he loves you, and believeit. But love is such a weaselly word because it is a mixture of feelings (dote/admire/need/long to shag etc) and actions ie the way you treat someone. And imo it's only if the actions are there, on both sides, that 'i love him/he loves me' should count when deciding what to do.

MrsSparkles · 01/04/2016 14:20

A break sounds like a great idea. Hope you get the space you need to work things out in your head Flowers.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 14:24

Well there may or may not be a drama, but you cannot stay with a volatile man because you don't like confrontation and subject your children to this. You do need to prepare, Mabey contact Woman's Aid for help. I am afraid you are seeing his true colours, and they are not pretty.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 14:25

Yes I agree, time apart is a good thing, allow you to gather your thoughts and think of how you want your future to be.

wotoodoo · 01/04/2016 14:25

This reply has been deleted

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rumbleinthrjungle · 01/04/2016 14:33

Don'tlaugh said on page one: Any man or woman for that matter that ever calls me a "fucking cunt" will only ever get to do it once.

That's a hard line of mine too. That's language that would be used by someone who hated me; it is not something I'd ever accept mixed up with love in any form, not from a friend or a loved one. My boundary stops right there.

Where are your boundaries OP? What are the lines you are not prepared to have crossed?

SonjasSister · 01/04/2016 14:33

Blimey wotoo. The OP has scarcely been 'siiting back'. Unfair I think.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 14:35

wotdoo tgat is uncalled for, it is not helping op at all!

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 14:45

but we do tend to lash out at loved ones when we're angry or hurt because you feel safe

Safe from being called on it, safe from being cut off as friends would do. Safe because you know family will tolerate it. Its an abuse of that family dynamic to explode because you know there'll be no or minimal consequences. Its not ok.

BlueFolly · 01/04/2016 14:50

If my DD was scared of my boyfriend I would split up with him.

herethereandeverywhere · 01/04/2016 14:55

Qu: Why are you still with this man?
A: ."...he hasn't been a dick for ages..."

Wow, he sounds like a keeper Hmm

OP, in all seriousness, please improve your standards, for the sake of your DC if not yourself. Flowers

VoldysGoneMouldy · 01/04/2016 14:56

Your children are scared of him. You cannot stay with a man who scares your children.

As others have said, he is abusive, and you do seem to know that to some degree.

The first time my - up until then, 'just' emotionally - abusive ex attacked me was not long after his parents had died. People convinced me that it was just grief, and everyone acts badly when they're grieving. But there's a difference between allowing grief to show, and being abused.

It wasn't the last time he attacked me.

Please, don't allow this behaviour 'just' because he's lost someone. It's no excuse. Someone who can't control themselves from attacking someone, verbally or physically, because they're in a bad place is no one to be in a relationship with.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 01/04/2016 14:57
  • one of his parents.