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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

234 replies

Watchingnetflix · 31/03/2016 22:12

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

OP posts:
RudeElf · 31/03/2016 23:31

how can I trust this won't happen again?

You cant, because it will happen again. Because it has happened repeatedly despite "apologising profusely" afterwards. Because that is who he is and that is what he does.

OP i think you need to take some time to think about and redefine your boundaries before being in a relationship again. You seem unsure of whether this behaviour is ok or not and whether its 'bad enough' to end it.

Happyat40 · 31/03/2016 23:34

I agree people are flawed Canada - that's part of the human condition.

But OP and her children have a right to feel psychologically safe.

It's also about role modelling for your children - what will OPs children accept in their relationships as adults if they witness mum living with this ? The cycle of abuse is maintained.

And on a simple level it's about self respect, self esteem and self image. How can OP feel positive about herself in the long term when she is subjected to this ?

OP has her gut feeling. I commend her on it as it will ensure that she and her children remain emotionally and physically safe.

OP you are brave. Stay strong and go into warrior mode for the sake of you and DC.

Eminado · 31/03/2016 23:41

"You have DC. Would it be acceptable to you for your son to call his future partner a fucking cunt?
Is it acceptable for your daughter to be described this way by a boyfriend?"

Excellent point.
Well said.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2016 23:43

canada yes people are flawed, you coukd use that to make excuses for abusive behaviour and staying in an abusuve relationship. This is nit a one off, name call, op seems fearful of him, he dies seem to have anger and control issues. It's seems like his is emotionally abusive to op, tops he seems to be scared of him. Tge sugnificant thing she said, was that when she knew his father had died, there would be a shitstorm. The more op is talking, the more information about him is coming out, and it's not good.

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 31/03/2016 23:46

I've locked the door and gone to bed and turned my phone off. I literally only stopped shaking about an hour ago... I don't know if it was fear or anger, most probably a combination of both. I hate him so much right now, keep remembering ds2 crying in my arms :-(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2016 23:47

He seems to have a form with loosing his temper and blaming it on op, that is what abusive partners do to try and justify and minimise their behaviour. It was not a one off name call, it was repeated, along with the anger and blaming op.

RudeElf · 31/03/2016 23:48

Well done OP! Good decision. You need to keep yourself and DC safe. If he kicks off you have the police to deal with it.

Beeziekn33ze · 31/03/2016 23:50

Is anger management a possibility? The current situation is doing neither you nor the children any good and you must find it intolerable. Huge sympathy but don't let it go on too long, it may not improve.

memyselfandaye · 31/03/2016 23:52

Next time you see him remember you frightened child, he did that to your child, and how fucking dare he.

He sounds like a maniac, protect your children and tell him to leave.

memyselfandaye · 31/03/2016 23:53

your

hulahula10 · 31/03/2016 23:53

I'm so sorry this happened to you and DC.

A child should never feel scared or threatened of their parent no matter how cross/ angry/grieving they are - that is not normal behaviour.

Feel better soon Thanks

Original poster
Watchingnetflix · 31/03/2016 23:55

He'd never entertain the idea of anger management or any kind of therapy. He's laugh at me for suggesting it

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 31/03/2016 23:59

Some people would view a verbally abusive, angry, threatening, intimidating stepdad as an acceptable role model for their dc to live with and learn by thereby normalising that behaviour for their own adulthood.

Other people would view such a a stepdad as an appalling role model of how a man behaves and would not want their dc anywhere near such a man let alone share the same environment with one.

Some families scream obscenities at each other and that is normal, others don't.

So op, it doesn't appear your partner and you have compatible ideas about what is acceptable behaviour in a family and many people would say you are damaging your dc by staying for as long as you have with him in your lives.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 00:03

OP he sounds very unstable, the fact he would reject help, and carry on I intimidating his partner and frightening his child, I would seriously consider a future without him in it. He sounds very abusive, do you think he would be violent towards you?

bakeoffcake · 01/04/2016 00:05

Oh goodness op I do feel for you. This is not ok behaviour and im glad you are realising that. You and your DC should never ever feel frightened of someone you are living with.
I say all that as some who did call my DH a cunt. I did it shortly after a bereavement and I was completely out of order. I actually went to the Drs as I knew I knew it was so wrong and I needed help. I had also never done it before it since.
So whilst you can excuse a one off episode of name calling you can not excuse name calling, driving dangerously and repeated shouting in front of the children.

I really hope you're ok.Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 00:05

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells scared of how he will react. His temper must have been very bad to frighten your ds. Put them and you first.

bakeoffcake · 01/04/2016 00:06

Please excuse typos.

Topseyt · 01/04/2016 00:13

Canada is missing the point.

The point is that this behaviour is not an isolated incident for this twunt man. It seems to be part of an abusive pattern which occurs in cycles.

This has happened before and will happen again at some point.

Why should anyone have to live in fear of when the next eruption will come?

ClarenceTheLion · 01/04/2016 00:18

In your shoes, I'd start making an exit plan. Don't apologize when he comes back, you did nothing wrong. When my best friend was preparing to leave her volatile partner, she acted like he was a work colleague she was stuck with for the time being - she treated him with politeness and respect, but no warmth and intimacy. She stripped communication down to practicalities, and left him to take care of his emotional side himself. It's a good strategy because twats like your H look for any perceived offence or vulnerability on the part of their partner to behave badly.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2016 00:24

Like you said, he is probably using his mums death to treat you like crap. It's probably going to get worse. I woukd think long and hard about a future without him.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2016 00:35

You're giving him far too many excuses OP to the detriment of yourself and your DC.

Apart from his fuckwit attitude, he drove dangerously with you and DC in the car!

You need to get out of this toxic relationship for you and them.

I had to do it too. Also "angry driving". Fuck that. My life is worth more than that!
(kids luckily not in the car).

Thiis was after continuous verbal, emotional, financial, etc. abuse. One day I had enough and just walked away. Not easy but so much better than that!

he keeps phoning, I won't even pick up

WhatTheActualFugg · 01/04/2016 00:36

So sorry you and your DCs have had to go through this OP.

And I hope you're tucked up in bed now.

Regardless of the relationship between you and your DP, if you stay with him that is a dangerous example to be setting your son, isn't it? The little boy who got frightened and cried tonight will learn the lesson that it's OK to treat your partner this way and that no consequence will come of it. Presumably you don't want your little boy to turn in to an abusive low-life?

I'm sure you know this already.

Flowers
FuriousFate · 01/04/2016 01:02

You need to leave him. Who owns your house etc?

mathanxiety · 01/04/2016 01:13

"It's not unlike him to spoil for a fight when he's stressed. "

My exH used to drive like a chimpanzee, lost his temper in the car when he was delayed by a parked telecom can in a lane, reversed, clipped an electricity pole, never fixed the smashed side view mirror Shock. The DCs were in the car when he pulled the reversing stunt. Nobody could ever tell him anything he didn't want to hear about his driving, his behaviour. Nobody was allowed to express anger except him. YY to verbal, emotional, financial, etc. abuse.

So now he is exH and I hope your P will be an exP soon, for the sake of your children. Your protective mothering instincts need to be listened to.

You are not over-reacting or selfish or cold.

Be prepared for a display of remorse that will be hollow.

LindyHemming · 01/04/2016 02:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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