Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

[Watchingnetflix]

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

[OneFoxNoChickens]

A broken exhaust doesn't sound like an engine revving. He was tugging your chain with that stunt. You copped on to what he was doing. You know that though don't you OP.

[Lanark2]

Um, major bereavement, then some very parent-child criticisms from his partner, then when he shows and asks for the criticisms and lectures to stop, there are more criticisms about how he has asked the criticisms to stop, then later even more parent-child lectures about how he 'should' have behaved using even more judgemental and minimising language.

So from his perspective, at a time of enotional fragility and vulnerability, when love and understanding are needed, and anger is increasing, the love and understanding goes down, the criticism goes up, and requests, and when signals for the things that are increasing his anger be stopped, the behaviours are instead increased and repeated. When difficult emotions are being expressed, you don't allow them, and whatever he does, instead of putting him in the 'things are amazingly difficult for him' box, you chase his emotions around telling him off for all of them, and keep him in the 'you are behaving badly' box instead.

The trouble here is that bereavement is a massively unpredictable time, and people who are bereaved need support, care, understanding, and to feel love and approval. To feel judgement, criticism and disapproval instead, from the person closest to you, and for that judgement and criticism to be in front of other family members isn't going to bring him back to warmth, calmness and acceptance.

You can fan flames, get allies on here and increase the separation, or try an understanding approach and seek problem resolution. If I had a partner who was snapping, and upset, the last thing I would do would be to lecture them on why being upset is wrong. Reach out and understand a bit, and see what happens.

[Janecc]

Maybe I'm completely off the mark. It sounds like he wasn't parented as well as required to become a well rounded adult and didn't grow up. What about you? You are both falling into a parent /child dynamic. IE either you or he becomes the parent and the other the child. I know this dynamic well. I know some women would have got him into shape or ended the relationship most likely before they became committed to him. The only person you can change is yourself. If you want to stay in this relationship then I would suggest counselling. There are some great therapies if you can afford it and find the right practitioner. CBT for example deals with these dynamics. However your main concern right now is to protect your children. If you want to stay, do as the PP said and give him lots of understanding. If not, the option previously described to treat him like a work colleague is also great. However either way, once tempers have settled a clear boundary needs to be drawn. If you speak to him in a calm way and ask lots of questions, talk about the situation without accusation - in adult not child. Simple facts. "I was scared". "Dc was scared".

[Watchingnetflix]

I've been incredibly understanding with him losing his father, there have been countless occasions he's had a go, snapped at me, shouted at me, stropped off and I've sucked it up, I've done my best to be there for him and be understanding.

However I was horrified at this happening yesterday in front of the kids and having my youngest so upset saying he's scared of him coming home and shouting at us.

[acasualobserver]

Goodness. A few people need to burn their copies of Games People Play.

[curren]

I think if the relationship was usually good. This could be dealt with.

My mum turned into a complete twat when her mum died. It was that awful I moved out. This went on for about 2 years. The doctor prescribed her and her sisters, Prozac within 8 hours of nana dying. Which I don't think helped at all. She was off her tits and grieving. Was not a good combo.

But we have a good relationship and moved past it. This relationship isn't a good relationship.

Yes, you shouldn't have called him a tit, especially in front of your kids. And Tbh I can imagine I would be really angry at dh if he did that.

But it's not an excuse for his reaction. Grief isn't an excuse. What he did is not ok.

[nocoffeenouppee]

If he'd never behaved that way before I'd be inclined to suggest it was a poor reaction to grief and give him the chance to calm down. The fact that this isn't new behaviour suggests he's a twat with no respect for you.

[Watchingnetflix]

I didn't call him a tit, he called me a fucking tit when I said could he please not do that when I thought he was revving the engine.

[Throwingshadeagain]

I don't understand why people who do not have children together are told to 'stick at it' and give twats like this 'another chance' (not saying people should stay together for the children but I can understand far more why you'd hang on for longer).

You said yourself one of your kids was scared and scared he'd come back. So what the hell are you waiting for? Why are you repeating that on this thread but not thinking 'fuck my kid is scared of my boyfriend, he needs to go'.

He was abusive and unpleasant and his behaviour unacceptable. Something tells me you are volatile and argumentative yourself, it's partly the way you've repeated yourself in your OP and relayed the story.

Just split up or your kids will turn round when they're older and ask you why you subjected them to all of this.

I'm not even commenting on his father, that's a complete red herring and has no relevance to how someone behaves. I lost my father, I didn't abuse people around me.

[Aeroflotgirl]

lanark did you not read the op and her subsequent posts! This behaviour did not just come out of nowhere totally out of character. Op has said that he has been like this in the past, he has a history of anger and lack of control, op sounds like she has fearful of him before this. She said she knew he would go ape when his dad died, this is providing perfect validation for his in controlling and abusive behaviour towards his partner and child. He does not take her seriously, undermines her, and blames his behaviour on her! Loosing your dad is an explanation of his behaviour, it is no excuse to be abusive and scare the hell out of your child! It is not!

Telling him to drive slowly when his driving is unsafe and erratic, especially when his child is in the car, is totLly acceptable and a reasonable request. She shoukd have told him to stop the car!!

[MrsSparkles]

I am so glad everyone on Mumsnet is such a paragon of good behaviour and never does or says anything they regret in anger!

Having said that OP he does sound like he needs some help to deal with his anger - swearing in front of DC's is one of my pet hates, totally unnecessary. But if you think the relationship can be salvaged (and you want to try) see about getting some help. Once he's calmed down have an open and honest discussion about how it makes you and your children feel and see if you can move forward.

But if its an ongoing pattern I'd think you were unlikely to without him recognising he shouldn't behave like that.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op I have heard others on Mumsnet recommend a book called Why does He Do That, about abuse. Mabey with a read.

[Watchingnetflix]

I'm really not argumentative, I grew up with parents who argued horribly and I avoid confrontation to be honest as I hate upset so much. I've been lying awake since 3 as my stomach is so upset. I was very shaken when I posted and still am I guess.

I am thinking it's over but I don't know how to deal with it given how upset he is at the moment. I feel like a complete heel

[Janecc]

Acasualobserver. Sorry? What was the comment to achieve? It could come across as the largest game play of all.

[curren]

I didn't call him a tit, he called me a fucking tit when I said could he please not do that when I thought he was revving the engine.

I am sorry, I mis read. Tbh, as I said before, even if you had its no excuse for his behaviour.

It's not one off. It's not acceptable.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mrssparkles have you read the op posts. It's one thing to swear as a one off and apologise, but to repeatedly swear at the op, using vile language, to the point the child is scared, not apologise for his behaviour, but storm off is totally unacceptable. If you read op posts, he will not accept any help, and would laugh at that suggestion, so that is not something that will happen.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Someone that makes a partner scared and fearful, like op in her 07.25 posts is abusive and not a good partner.

[Throwingshadeagain]

MrsSparkles - who's saying they are paragons of good behaviour all the time? I'm not. I'm saying if my kid was scared of my boyfriend and he's been an angry, shouty twat on and off for ages, plus we've nearly split before, I would LEAVE HIM.

Why on earth is she being encouraged to stay with him when they don't have kids together, aren't married, have no ties? Can someone explain that please?

[Watchingnetflix]

I know he's lashing out because he's hurting, it's the doing it in front of the kids I can't deal with

[kittybiscuits]

I wouldn't defend yourself against the goady fuckers on your thread OP.

I think you have been under-reacting to his goady and abusive behaviour. Dangerous driving is a well-known tactic of abusive men. There is only one way you can ensure your children never have to witness this abuse again. You know what to do.

[kittybiscuits]

Why was he lashing out on the other occasions? He's abusive. No excuses.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Watching there is no excuse for the way this man is towards you and how he's making you feel! You have said that this has happened before. You know he woukd go ape when his dad has died.

[Throwingshadeagain]

OP whether you are argumentative or not, whether you are part of the problem (toxic dynamic) is actually irrelevant - he's a twat. He's upsetting your kids and he's upsetting you. Just split. What are you afraid of? Life is always better without twats in it.

[MrsSparkles]

Aeroflot I did indeed read, did you read mine? That I am not trying to excuse his behaviour but rather suggest something constructive. I am unclear from the OP if she wants to try to make it work or is thinking this is the end of the relationship so I was trying to be helpful.

If she wants to make it work a conversation when he's calmed down about how to move forward (no point while he's still angry), if he's not receptive at least you know you've done everything you can and can make an informed decisions about what to do next.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mrssparkles she coukd try, but he does not sound like he would be very receptive. It sounds like this latest incident has shown op and the scales are gradually dropping from her eyes.