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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this situation with a friend? How would you deal with it?

162 replies

bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 14:19

We've been friends for a long time, over 20 years.

In that time she's always been very clear that she wanted children.

She has had several relationships in this time, and told me (with at least 2 of them) that she was trying for a baby. However nothing happened. In her early 30s she had about 6 months with no period, then a very heavy period- she went to her GP who said it might have been a miscarriage. However, no further investigations were suggested. Her relationship with that partner ended a few months later (unrelated reasons) and she was single then for a while.

Fast forward 10 years. She's 44 next month. Has been married for 3 years to her DH. He has always said he wanted DC but didn't feel they were 'ready' until about 6 months ago.

We were exchanging messages last week (planning to meet for her birthday) and she said as nothing's happened she is going to visit her GP, and ask for fertility testing, and about IVF. I said I wasn't sure if she would get IVF due to age...she got quite annoyed about that, how unfair it would be etc. Anyway I calmed the situation saying I was sure her GP would clarify the situation. She went away happy - but was still very much of the view that it wouldn't be too late for her, and even if she couldn't conceive naturally there would be IVF (they wouldn't be able to pay privately).

I'm quite concerned she'll see the GP and be told her chances are minimal (surely they must be at her age?), and she won't get IVF on the NHS, and what the fallout from that will be. She tends to think in quite a linear way (others have noticed this and suggested she may have some AS traits, I don't know enough about AS to say that, but she doesn't think of things in the round, or of any 'what ifs' usually) and I know hasn't thought 'what if I never have a baby?' because she's always just assumed she would. Appreciate that sounds naïve but I know her well enough to know that's her thinking.

The other thing is I'm not sure that even if a baby was possible, that her and her DH would cope with one. They are both hoarders (him more so) and there is little spare space in their house. Financially things are pretty tight too. Neither has any family to support them. And of course they'd be pensioners before any DC left school.

I don't want to give her false hope. Also even if it's not false, I really am not sure how they'd manage. Having a baby in their current housing situation with their finances would be hard in your 20s, but surely much worse in your 40s?

OP posts:
Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 16:04

She asks me for input. I never raise the subject of children/fertility, never have because I find it difficult to lie, or evade the question/ giving any opinion.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 31/03/2016 16:06

She asks you for input.

You do not have to give it.

You clearly like the fact that she is dependent on you.

Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 16:07

I do try to keep out of it. I only comment if asked, and try not to say anything to either give false hope or shoot her down in flames.

I do think most people would find it a difficult situation to manage - what am I supposed to say when she says 'I don't think it's too late for me to have a baby is it?'

OP posts:
sonjadog · 31/03/2016 16:08

You say, "Best go talk to the doctor about that."

RedToothBrush · 31/03/2016 16:09

You don't have to comment even if she asks!!!!

what am I supposed to say when she says 'I don't think it's too late for me to have a baby is it?'

I don't know. You need to do your research and seek medical advice

Not hard.

mouldycheesefan · 31/03/2016 16:10

Just reply,' I don't know, you will need to see your gp'
If she is going to fall bits when she gets the news she is too old for if, she needs to get that new from her gp not you. You be the shoulder to cry in afterwards but not the bearer of bad tidings.

Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 16:14

I have said she could speak to a GP about it, I suggested that (very gently) before she got married. Back then she said she didn't think she needed to see her GP as they weren't TTC, 'and I've got years left anyway haven't I?'

I think on that occasion I fudged a response saying well some celebs with IVF did have babies over 40..

OP posts:
Misswrite89 · 31/03/2016 16:17

You need to just leave her to it. She's a grown woman and if she wants your opinion on her potential parenting skills I'm sure she will ask for it.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2016 16:18

'She's 44 years old, has never been pregnant and can't afford private IVF. To be blunt; her chances of having a baby are about the same as her getting hit by lightning, if that good. I wouldn't bother spending time wondering about her possible parenting.'

This. It might be possible using an egg donor, but she can't afford private IVF so it's a moot point. I would just leave it at, 'Go see your doctor,' and leave it to them to tell her that ship has long sailed.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/03/2016 16:31

I admit I'm a bit shocked at the statistics posted

Really, the chances of a baby at 43 is 5%
and 2% when you get to 44. Shock

I know loads of people who have babies well into their 40's

Totally shocked

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/03/2016 16:36

You don't 'have' to sort out anything for her. It works have been far better for you to have sign posted her to appropriate help when she was in debt.

How about saying 'I'm not the person to put that question to-what about seeing x?'.

Or would that place you too far from the action?

Gobbolino6 · 31/03/2016 16:36

I think you've tried your best to offer a gentle warning, and it's not up to you to do or say anything else now.

MrsMainwaring · 31/03/2016 16:41

Everything gonetoseeamanaboutadog said

lottielou7 · 31/03/2016 16:43

OP, sorry but you do sound like a real busy body. It's completely irrelevant how cluttered their house is.

Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 16:48

She tried to access support with her debt from CAB but didn't really understand the problem/solution/ what to do. She had no access to the internet either. So it really was up to me and a friend to sit her down and help explain things, and then assist her with solutions (like boot sales etc, because she couldn't do things on her own).

When she had issues with the police, we ended up having to go with her, because she hadn't explained the situation/given enough detail (despite us going through it with her beforehand) for them to investigate/charge the person concerned.

I have a job, life and family of my own. I have plenty of things to do, I am not fussing round her constantly. However she has contacted me recently about this, I know I will be seeing her soon, and I know there will be fallout if the GP has given her a negative message. Or if she's not understood their advice, or not listened, I expect she'll be saying the GP told her she would be ok, and to keep trying. In which case I suppose I just have to nod politely and not comment one way or the other.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 31/03/2016 16:49

I think the stats are slightly different for a first pregnancy, Laurie. Don't know why, though... Most people having babies in their forties are not doing it for the first time.

Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 16:50

I've never seen the inside of the house actually - none of her friends have. They don't have visitors as it's too cluttered. I think worrying about a baby there (leaving aside the issue of whether a baby is a realistic possibility) is actually pretty reasonable.

OP posts:
Misswrite89 · 31/03/2016 16:54

I've never seen the inside of the house actually - none of her friends have. They don't have visitors as it's too cluttered

Or perhaps that's just what they tell you...

Floggingmolly · 31/03/2016 16:57

Does she have learning difficulties, op? Because the more you post, the less she sounds like an independant adult. It might be all to the good if she's not to be given responsibility for someone else.

Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 16:59

Not just me. She doesn't have any family - I do know her other friends and no one has been in. One has been to the front gate. She has said since they moved in together that the house is a mess, and she wanted to clear it out so they could have a spare room for guests (and ultimately for a baby).

He doesn't have any friends or family so no one on his side to visit.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 31/03/2016 16:59

Her GP might well run some basic hormone tests for her to assess whether she's even ovulating. Her chances of pregnancy are indeed slim but not totally impossible. If they were ever to become parents, well, there are plenty of odd parents out there.

Offer support not advice. She has a husband now for practical support such as debt,myou need not become embroiled.

SylviaWrath · 31/03/2016 17:01

what am I supposed to say when she says 'I don't think it's too late for me to have a baby is it?

I would say; yes, it most likely is far too late. Anything else is an outright lie.

Original poster
bakeofffan · 31/03/2016 17:01

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties, as far as I know she was a pretty average performer at school, certainly not bottom of the class, has GCSEs etc. She doesn't think very much about things though.

OP posts:
Spandexpants007 · 31/03/2016 17:01

Where does she live? She can go see someone privately for a few hundred who will scan and test for egg reserve/fertility

Spandexpants007 · 31/03/2016 17:02

The Gp will most likely run a day 21 progesterone test to see if she's ovulating

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