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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder who gets the final say re: choosing the house?

79 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 15:15

Simply put, I want a homey, cozy house where I can have a cat or two, H has found an 'interesting' flat which suits his dream, it doesn't do ANYTHING for me or how I want to live. There's no compromise... he shouted me down when I showed him details of a few that I liked saying he didn't like small rooms, etc, the truth is he thinks that he's earned the money so he should have final say and I should go along with it.

Aside from our relationship issues (he's controling in other ways) I wondered who generally how others handle it? In my mind...the woman should have the final say or at least a free hand decorating etc. Would I come across as a foot-stamping princess if I LTB because of this?

OP posts:

CalliopeTorres · 30/03/2016 15:17

It should be a joint decision. But I wouldn't move in with him if he was a controlling knob anyway.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/03/2016 15:20

Not sure why the woman should have the final say.

Having said that, I have chosen our houses, albeit with strict instructions re garage/workshop space, which is DH's key requirement. I would not suggest a house that did not meet that brief. In fact, DH only viewed our current house. The rest I visited alone or with my sister... He would have had right of veto though.

acasualobserver · 30/03/2016 15:21

This doesn't sound like the beginning of a story that ends happily ever after.

redhat · 30/03/2016 15:21

Its a joint decision. But in our case DH is less bothered about where he lives than I am.

OneLove10 · 30/03/2016 15:22

Why does a woman have the final say? What makes a woman so superior? It's a compromise and joint decision. Sounds like the last thing you need to be doing is buying a house with him.

EssentialHummus · 30/03/2016 15:23

This is one of those (rare) times when you both need to agree. To my mind - we're going through this too - each person has a realistic list of requirements, and you look for properties that work for you both. Bit that requires both of you to be honest about what is a must-have.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/03/2016 15:23

It has to be a joint decision.

Osolea · 30/03/2016 15:25

Neither should have a final say, it's meant to be an agreement between two people who want similar things out of life.

witsender · 30/03/2016 15:25

Joint. I saw our current house a few times before dh came to see it, and with our last few they were always my 'find' but he fell for them too. We wouldn't buy unless we both agreed, certainly not my decision as I am female or his because he earns. You both have to live there!

He doesn't sound very pleasant however.

AGrinWithoutACat · 30/03/2016 15:26

Joint decision every time, we both had our lists of essentials and nice-to-haves.

I did some viewings alone and some we did together but we discussed each ones plus and minus points. We now have a house that ticks all of our boxes :)

If DH and I could not work together on something that affects us both so much then we would not have a relationship - OP I would leave him to his flat and find your dream home elsewhere.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/03/2016 15:26

Have to keep going until find a place that suits both. But lifestyle has to suit both too. I couldn't live with a cat in the house. So agreement all round needed.

SeaCabbage · 30/03/2016 15:28

Is there anything you do agree on?

Sorebigtoes · 30/03/2016 15:28

There is no final say, must be a decision both agree with. Both of you ABU, you wouldn't be U to leave him if he is this controlling.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 30/03/2016 15:28

You keep looking until you both find something that you like. There may well be compromises and possibly more for one than another but you both need to feel you can live there.

So you don't want a flat, he doesn't want small rooms. So keep looking. Or leave him if he's a controlling arse.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 30/03/2016 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VertigoNun · 30/03/2016 15:29

I am not sure if it is joint in all cases. Like op my ex earned more so I accepted a home I thought was ok that he loved. Had it been me alone I would have carried on looking.

There is always compromise though if you are buying and selling in a chain, you are restricted by the time scales and housing stock available.

Andro · 30/03/2016 15:33

DH (fiance at the time) and I kept looking until we found 'our' dream house - as opposed to his or my dream house.

You would not be unreasonable to leave because he's controlling, that is only likely to get worse unless he chooses to change. His willingness to shout you down is an ominous sign, you should be equals.

centigrade451 · 30/03/2016 15:34

It should be a joint decision.
Shouting you down is unacceptable and it is called BULLYING. I feel sorry you have to live with such behaviour.

You should have a shortlist and decide together. If it is not YOUR home as well from the outset, it never will be. Put your foot down. If the flat is horrible, just say a categoric NO. If he goes ahead and buys it - that is your sign to leave.

There has to be a compromise. Can't you find a cosy house with an open plan living arrangement? Some flats have gardens.

I have lived in 4 homes with DH.
The first one, I chose completely.
The second one, was a rental, we chose it together, but actually DH let me have the final say between a choice of two.
The third one, we built and DH designed the layout - I had only minimal input after giving my wishlist. But I decorated ALL of it. The layout wasn't perfect but it had all the things on my wishlist and I made it a beautiful home .
The fourth one, a rental, DH chose it completely as he arrived in UK ahead of me and I only saw it the day I moved in - when I arrived from overseas. But he made a brilliant choice.

SanityClause · 30/03/2016 15:34

It's a joint decision, and sometimes compromises have to be made.

Recently we bought a sofa. We bought it in my second favourite colour, but it was the colour DH preferred. I had already put my foot down about having a patterned upholstery, though.

So, everyone gave a little, and we are all
happy with the result.

There's no reason why a woman should have more say than a man, either. What would the rule for same sex couples be?

littleleftie · 30/03/2016 15:34

Tell us more about him being controlling.

IME there are usually compromises when agreeing on a property, but not when your needs/desires are as far apart as yours and DH. Do you rent at the moment?

If you have problems in your relationship already why are you buying a property with him at all?

I wouldn't tolerate someone who "shouted me down" when I tried to calmly express my opinion.

SmallBee · 30/03/2016 15:36

No idea why owning a particular set of genitalia would help you decide which house you should live in? What happens when you are both the same sex? Would it be smallest willy for men and biggest vulva for women?

You are both going to be living there so you both need to agree and/or make compromises. Its not like going out for dinner where if you don't like it you can pick the next restaurant.

It also sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about how your finances will work, if he thinks that you need to agree with him because he makes more money ut sounds like he isn't planning on giving you a say in how the money is spent, ever.

Cabrinha · 30/03/2016 15:40

Oh women should have final say on the house, and definitely on the decor.
Because homemaking is for women and we're better at choosing curtains because we like pretty things.
We like them even more when men pay for them.

FFS OP sort yourself out!

Twitterqueen · 30/03/2016 15:43

Absolutely has to be a joint decision - as everyone else has said. If one of you doesn't agree you keep looking until you both agree on somewhere.

Also, don't move in with this man. Are you married to him? If so, you need to seriously consider where your relationship is headed. Abusive knobhead seems to be the collective, agreed opinion!

LindyHemming · 30/03/2016 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/03/2016 15:49

You have bigger problems than who gets to choose the house, sorry. If I were you I'd be looking at finding somewhere cosy to live that was big enough for you and your cats and leaving him to his interesting flat.

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