Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to wonder who gets the final say re: choosing the house?

79 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 15:15

Simply put, I want a homey, cozy house where I can have a cat or two, H has found an 'interesting' flat which suits his dream, it doesn't do ANYTHING for me or how I want to live. There's no compromise... he shouted me down when I showed him details of a few that I liked saying he didn't like small rooms, etc, the truth is he thinks that he's earned the money so he should have final say and I should go along with it.

Aside from our relationship issues (he's controling in other ways) I wondered who generally how others handle it? In my mind...the woman should have the final say or at least a free hand decorating etc. Would I come across as a foot-stamping princess if I LTB because of this?

OP posts:

8angle · 30/03/2016 16:20

RUN away! If you are at this early stage in the relationship and you can't even agree to compromise on something so fundamental as your home, i would not even look back!

Collaborate · 30/03/2016 16:22

You both sound as bad as each other.

Otherwise, you're completely incompatible. Perhaps you should live separately.

lorelei9here · 30/03/2016 16:22

er, you don't get to choose on account of being a woman.

but this sounds like a horrible dynamic.

do you have children? Is it only his money going towards the flat? I'm a bit confused. Will you be a joint owner?

YakTriangle · 30/03/2016 16:23

It's meant to be your home, both of you. Neither should get to choose whilst the other puts up or shuts up.
That isn't how it's meant to work at all.

Notonthestairs · 30/03/2016 16:24

You both need to be pulling in the same direction here.

My DH thinks he has great taste (but he's actually very conventional, scared of any colour thats not grey and not at all practical). I actually do have great taste (!) but have had to tone down my likes so that we meet in the middle and neither feels too compromised.

peachypips · 30/03/2016 16:24

The way we did it was that OH went to first viewings, then if he liked it I'd go along and either veto or agree. It saved me getting excited about houses that he didn't like, but gave me the final say. Worked for us.

teacher54321 · 30/03/2016 16:26

We've lived in lots of houses, (rented for about 13 years before buying) and the houses we were happiest in were the houses we chose together. There's no 'final say'. You keep looking till you find what you're both happy with.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2016 16:31

Obviously you don't move into a house that makes your skin crawl. Ever. But this house buying is just an example for the real issue, which is that your husband is controlling and thinks it's fine to bully/bribe you to get what he wants.

So - what's the big picture? How long have you been married, do you have children, what do you want for your immediate and long-term future? Do you work, do you have access to cash, are you in a position to leave?

TeacupsandFigs · 30/03/2016 16:32

He sounds awfully controlling so I don't get why you would want to move in with him anyway?
Choosing a house should be an equal decision and if either person hates a property then that should be enough to look for another one. If one person is contributing much more money then they probably get the most say though.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/03/2016 16:36

To begin with I would point out the dynamic in his own family over home design and choices and tell him point blank you don't want a relationship like that. If he won't listen you probably need to cut your losses as the alternative is becoming your poor bullied MIL.

curren · 30/03/2016 16:56

Is he shouting you down?

Or losing his rag, because you think having a vagina means you have the ordained right?

Because, tbh, if dh used the 'it should be the mans choice' over something like this I would probably get pissed off too.

Original poster

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 16:56

Thanks all for the comments. I'm in a brilliant position to leave (family house recently sold so cash in the bank, divorce split would be 50/50) but it's just hard putting the final nail in the coffin and this could be the issue that pushes me over the edge, or at least out the door. It's painfully clear that we do have a clash of priorities but I have felt utterly disenfranchised, I was burning with indignation that he thought thinks he could talk me around. Then I wondered if I was being totally selfish hence original question, at face value should I compromise? I can tell you I will definitely not be buying this property with him!

OP posts:

TeacupsandFigs · 30/03/2016 16:59

It sounds like now is the time to start sorting out a split for you though, good luck with it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2016 17:04

No, you are not being totally selfish, he is if he thinks he has the right to bully you.

On the house buying front - have (both of) you made a list of what you need from a home? E.g. our list included garage, walking distance from town centre. We also had a list of what we didn't want, e.g. leaded windows. If you could put a list together of essentials/nice-to-haves/absolutely-nots that was not related to any house you have ever seen but was what each of you needs from a house, it might save a lot of argument. Might. But I'd still be loathe to spend money on somewhere I might be leaving behind.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2016 17:05

(And maybe when you find your list and his list are completely incompatible, it could kickstart the conversation that you both really need to have.)

Original poster

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 17:25

Haha Where, he did ask me to make a list and the only thing on mine which was non-negociable was that I could have a cat in the future (fabulous family cat died not too long ago). H's list included off street parking, freehold or share of freehold, and this property doesn't tick either of those boxes. He insists I could have a cat in a flat with no garden on a fairly busy road. I think we need to have that talk.

OP posts:

Ameliablue · 30/03/2016 17:33

I don't think there should be a final say if both don't agree on a house then keep looking but if you are both set on entitled different things it begs the question if you are compatible.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 30/03/2016 17:34

Sounds like you would be a lot happier in your own. Take your 50%, buy a cosy cottage and fill it with Cath Kidtson!

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2016 18:07

Why on earth did he even go to see it, if it didn't meet his most basic requirements ? Either he doesn't know what he wants, he was curious, or he's just spoiling for a fight over somewhere he doesn't want either.

Cabrinha · 30/03/2016 18:13

I don't think that's true. I think you can have an idea of what you want, then something comes up that breaks your 'rules' and you just like it. I really really wanted off street parking but there was something about the house I bought that made it worth considering despite it not having that.

Nothing on his list is terrible either!

So why did you sell your last place, and how did you choose where you are now? (a rental)

I'm still laughing at the idea that women get to choose the soft furnishings!

Original poster

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 19:30

cab I agree, sometimes you see a place which grabs your heart, I don't blame H for wanting this place and I'm wondering if he could afford it on his own. His vision of his life doesn't include me in any capacity other than providing wifely support to his antics. He thinks he's a genius (unappreciated) and I'm fed up with the whole show. Funny thing is, the lists of abusive behaviour often mention partner choosing or criticising clothes but not soft furnishings! (H chose all our soft furnishings and was unrelenting in criticism of the one pair of curtains I ever chose) I want to choose paint colours etc! My feminist right? Well, human right at least...

OP posts:

Moomoomango · 30/03/2016 19:33

Joint decision but seriously leave him if the house represents wanting different life styles, one of you will end up miserable

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 30/03/2016 19:38

Try and IMagine yourself inten years time. In first scenario you're still with him, in second you've left. Which scenario do you think you'd be most happy in?

Something you said earlier about it being hard to put the final nail in the coffin is telling if ive interpreted you correctly? It's almost like it's more the fear of taking the leap that is putting you off rather than the fear of the long term consequence.

DrWhy · 30/03/2016 19:46

I'm with the posters that are saying that no-one gets the 'final say' it has to be somewhere that you both want to live. If you really have no overlapping desires at all I do wonder how you got to this stage. DH and I do have slightly different tastes (any idea on how to subtly get rid of an uncomfy black leather sofa??!) but with some previous DPs part of the reason that it didn't really last was that I didn't like their home, the way it was styled and the way they wanted to live, I never felt 'at home' there.
DH and I agreed on a lot of key things, some were more important to me, others to him. There were a few houses he'd have settled for but I wouldn't so he didn't push it - when we came out from the first viewing of our new house we looked at each other as we both knew we'd both love it and for a reason that we would never have said was crucial. That feeling is what you need.

BeaufortBelle · 30/03/2016 20:09

cab my dh chooses the curtains. I give him two options; he thinks he has power

I love modern art; DH loves twee watercolours, still life and constable-esque. My Pipers, Passmore's and Flints are where I'm happy with them; his stuff is where I put up with it

Perhaps there are pluses about a man who wants acRoyal Blue sofa in a sage and beige room. He knows that ultimately he has to bow to my better taste .

Flip

1 2 3 4