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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder who gets the final say re: choosing the house?

79 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 15:15

Simply put, I want a homey, cozy house where I can have a cat or two, H has found an 'interesting' flat which suits his dream, it doesn't do ANYTHING for me or how I want to live. There's no compromise... he shouted me down when I showed him details of a few that I liked saying he didn't like small rooms, etc, the truth is he thinks that he's earned the money so he should have final say and I should go along with it.

Aside from our relationship issues (he's controling in other ways) I wondered who generally how others handle it? In my mind...the woman should have the final say or at least a free hand decorating etc. Would I come across as a foot-stamping princess if I LTB because of this?

OP posts:

pearlylum · 30/03/2016 15:50

My oh didn't even view the house we now live in. Fist time he saw it was the day we exchanged contracts and moved in.

He trusts my evaluation to make a good decision for both of us.

carabos · 30/03/2016 15:51

People let their OHs have a say in which house they buy? Crikey, every day a school day on MN. DH and I have moved three times in 25 years and he hasn't been consulted on any of them .

madcapcat · 30/03/2016 15:52

As everyone else has said this should be joint. We have just moved and DH and I had a discussion on what we each wanted before we started to look and agreed that if one of us really wanted to view a particular property the other would agree but that we each could veto any purchase. It worked well for us - he ruled out some, I ruled out some, and we both fell in love with the one we finally bought. I earn twice what he earns but that's irrelevant - we both contribute to the partnership so it had to be the right place for both of us.

YouTheCat · 30/03/2016 15:53

If he won't compromise or consider your views, that's a huge red flag. No way would I be buying a property with a bloke like that.

It'll be your home too.

Boogers · 30/03/2016 15:53

What happens when two women are buying together? Who gets the final say there?

Making such a huge investment is something you both have to agree on, but if he's wanting a luxury flat in the city and you're wanting a wisteria covered cottage in the country then you're both going to have to make some pretty major compromises.

grannytomine · 30/03/2016 15:55

In our case we kept looking until I got so bored of the whole thing I just agreed to the next one that was OK. I hate house hunting and house hunting with someone else is a nightmare.

grannytomine · 30/03/2016 15:56

carabos, I like your style.

cleaty · 30/03/2016 15:58

We agreed what was important to us both, and what were optionals. Then we looked for something that suited what was important to both of us.
Your DP sounds very controlling, and you sound waged in a battle to get control. That is not the basis for a happy relationship.

goldierocks · 30/03/2016 15:59

If both partners are contributing 50% each, then both get an equal say.

If one person is paying 100%, they get the final say regardless of whether they are male or female.

If the % contribution by each partner is not equal, then both need to compromise and make joint decisions.

BTW - my favourite interior designer is male. My home would look like an explosion in a paint factory without his 'help' . Disclaimer - I only have to please myself, my DS and my pets.

FfionFlorist · 30/03/2016 15:59

Tell us more about your controlling behaviour OP.

sweetheart · 30/03/2016 16:05

In our recent house move we let the kids have as much say in it as ourselves. We were moving them from their family home and it was important that they were happy. I would NEVER expect dh (or the dc's) to live in a place they weren't totally happy and comfortable with even though I am the higher earner - to me this is totally irrelevant - our family home should be a place where everyone is comfortable, relaxed and happy. I would also never be forced to live somewhere I wasn't happy with. Living together / owning a home together is about being a team / partnership and building a happy life together.

BeaufortBelle · 30/03/2016 16:07

The problem is that he's controlling and an issue in the relationship and for equality that he earns more. It isn't always even Stevens but one of you has to be prepared to co.promise because you are happy enough with the decision. See below

House 1: Mine before we married, dh moved in and we wanted something that was ours.

House 2: Massive risk, area around it was being redeveloped, builders who renovated our house went bankrupt. There were all sorts of planning permissions going I around it. Could just about afford the fire sale price in 92 as the property market was crashed. Was a fabulous family home for 23 years.

House 3: DH bought it without consultation for me to renovate and for it to be our modern London gaff. I made it so modern and so perfect he couldn't bloody stand it and we lived there for a year.

House 4: I first saw on the internet and thought it would be snapped up. Showed dh who went "ugh". Sold modern bastard above in 48 hours and viewed 8 the following day. House 4 was the 8th. Pulled up, DH grabbed my hand and opened his eyes wide. Offered on the Monday, held our breath and couldn't believe it. Major refurb being planned. Never plan on leaving.

Oh and in 2006 we had such a lovely holiday in such a lively house that DH bought it without consultation when we got home. Because he thought it was a bargain.

Original poster

MrsMcBoatface · 30/03/2016 16:07

Thanks all, I need a reality check. I know there shouldn't be any 'final say' and it should be a joint decision, its just that I went to see a place with H this morning that utterly appalled me and left my skin crawling, it had a very high price due to unique location (busy road) but I just couldn't rationalise the high price, H loved it with a passion and is alternatively trying to bribe and bully me into saying I'll go along with it. Which I cannot and will not do.

In H's family, his father (who thinks he has superior taste, fair enough) has made every decorating/houseware decision, he really looks down on 'feminine' taste, ie Cath Kidston etc, he shudders when he hears the word cozy, has chosen very stark modern furniture for the house (the house itself isn't modern), idolizes the Bauhaus look. His mother goes along with this but she's never made a decision that I know of and (from my point of view) gets a patronizing little pat on the head when she chooses well, ie a 1930's teapot or some such art deco item at a car boot sale. I guess she does like it, and I'm not dismissing it as I like modern and art deco too, but as she's not a trained designer (and he is) I feel she would never trust her instincts if it conflicted with his more masculine (his word not mine!!) taste. And now I can see this dynamic being played out in my relationship. Buggeration .

OP posts:

magoria · 30/03/2016 16:08

Neither of you get the final decision.

He shouts you down. He is controlling. If he thinks it is his money buying this property he will see it as his and not yours.

Don't tie yourself with a property with this man.

Run fast the other way.

If you are crazy enough to do this make sure any ££ you put in is protected for when you see the light and want to get out.

dudsville · 30/03/2016 16:08

Joint.

And if you think it should be your decision, and he thinks it should be his then there's some big stuff to work out.

littleleftie · 30/03/2016 16:11

So DH wants you to live in a home that makes your skin crawl? And he is happy to bully you into submission?

What do you see in him?

I agree with PP I would be looking at finding my own place without him.

JennyOnAPlate · 30/03/2016 16:11

It has to be a joint decision. Who is the highest earner etc should make fuck all difference. Dh earns a lot compared to my meagre self employed wages but he would never try to tell me that the decision should be his. Our marriage is a partnership.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2016 16:11

Why will it be his money only buying the house?

Cabrinha · 30/03/2016 16:12

In what other ways is he controlling, and why therefore are you with him?
Shouting you down might just be disagreeing with you - do you mean he shouted, talked over you, didn't listen?
As for getting the choice because he earns the money, depends if you're married, in a committed partnership or just a boyfriend really. If the latter, then I'd say that yes, he who pays the piper calls the tune - but of course you don't have to dance to it.

Inertia · 30/03/2016 16:14

I wouldn't buy a house with a controlling bully at all, nor would I want to be married to one. If compromise is impossible in your relationship, then you're likely to spend most of your lives arguing with one another- in which case you'd probably be better off staying where you are and keeping your cash as liquid as possible to fund a divorce.

Runner05 · 30/03/2016 16:15

Definitely joint. You should sit down and make a short list of must haves and like to haves between you and then only purchase something you both like.

I would say though that it doesn't sound like you two should be buying together. If he's shouting you down and bullying you on something like this then it says a lot about how he views you (ie he couldn't care less about your opinion or happiness) and if you think the woman should get the final say on a property decision then you are also very selfish and should probably consider whether you're with the right person.
All in all it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven

MrsMainwaring · 30/03/2016 16:16

I'd keep on looking until you both find something separate you like

BeaufortBelle · 30/03/2016 16:18

DH's salary has at least a whole zero more than mine. Even the house above which he bought (offered on) without consultation, if I'd said no and out my foot down he'd have accepted it. But I know him well and knew he had to get this out of his system :). And financially it was a very good decision and I could see that.

pearlylum · 30/03/2016 16:18

"Definitely joint. You should sit down and make a short list of must haves and like to haves between you and then only purchase something you both like."

That depends on the couple.

My OH thinks I am much more practically minded than him- I spend far more time at home than him, I do most of the cleaning and maintainance, he doesn't care as much as I do about "vibes " of a place, so he usually defers to me.

LizzieMacQueen · 30/03/2016 16:20

You say it doesn't do ANYTHING for me or how I want to live but that's exactly how he feels about cozy and homely and a couple of cats.

Sounds like you are polar opposites ---- what in life do you agree on?

From your update he has had a particular view of life growing up with a dominant father, that doesn't excuse his behaviour but it would make me think twice about marrying this guy.

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