to wonder who gets the final say re: choosing the house?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Simply put, I want a homey, cozy house where I can have a cat or two, H has found an 'interesting' flat which suits his dream, it doesn't do ANYTHING for me or how I want to live. There's no compromise... he shouted me down when I showed him details of a few that I liked saying he didn't like small rooms, etc, the truth is he thinks that he's earned the money so he should have final say and I should go along with it.

Aside from our relationship issues (he's controling in other ways) I wondered who generally how others handle it? In my mind...the woman should have the final say or at least a free hand decorating etc. Would I come across as a foot-stamping princess if I LTB because of this?

Completely joint for us. We each had one non negotiable (which neither of us got in the end because we fell in love with a house that had neither an open plan kitchen/dining room or a detached garage ) and a couple of nice to haves. Ultimately we bought the house that we both walked and felt instantly it was home

I chose our house. I put in an offer before DH had seen it, although I did phone him and say would it be okay. As long as there is somewhere for his TV, he doesn't really care. He did come on a some second viewings with me, I'm not sure why I bothered as I didn't really want them hugely, they were just ok. DH agreed. The 2 I loved and wanted, so did DH. I also choose all of the colours/furnishings etc. DH hates the front room wallpaper. I don't care, I love it. But then my DH doesn't give an opinion on this stuff even when I do ask for it, so now I just choose and he goes along with it. Who are these men who give an damn!

Seriously though, in your situation, I wouldn't be buying a home with him. I'd be buying that cosy home with a cat and flowery stuff just for you. I couldn't bear anyone controlling me and thinking they knew everything and I was the little woman who had to put up with The Man making all of those Important Decisions. Fuck that shit!

It has to be an agreement. No one has finally say. First house - the only one we both liked (we have very different tastes it turns out). Current house - I liked one more he liked one more (but neither of us were particularly sold) so we let DD1 decide! Yes a controversial decision but she chose well and was the one her father liked more. In retrospect it was the right choice for us. But the point is it should be a family decision.

I think it's not just down to who's paying but also down to how important it is for each person in the relationship.

If you both care a great deal, it should be a joint decision. While I do think there's an absolute veto if you're the only person paying in principle, in practice what impact would exercising that and imposing your own view (i.e. flat) have on the relationship? I've been in the position where I could say 'not a chance' but thinking long term it was much easier to try to understand why DP wanted a particular thing and use that to build requirements and effect a compromise. (That maybe sounds a bit management speak because that's what I do, but at the time of house buying it was far more natural than that iyswim, even if 'build requirements' was what happened).

Some people are totally happy with their partner choosing the house, the car etc. OTOH my DF bought my DM a lovely pre-reg car when he was driving an old banger (she was ferrying me around) and couldn't understand why she was displeased. She's small and can't park for shit and he bought her something roughly the size of a Mondeo.

He does sound like an arse though, with the shouting down etc.