To think DH is putting me in a difficult position?

[RaphaellaTheSpanishWaterDog]

About five years ago my best friend (known all my life) invited us to lunch. At the time we were living on the other side of the country but had family close-ish to her house. While there our other halves got talking - they've known each other about 20 years but are not especially close - and her DH showed mine a childhood collection of items that my DH is a specialist in (dealer). My DH offered to take said items home and research them. We next saw my friend again about a year when the subject wasn't referred to and ditto the following year, but both were family gatherings when we all had other things on our minds. Since then we have moved even further away (4+ hrs drive).

Fast forward to a few weeks back when I received a b/day card with a message asking my DH to call hers - he would like the items back and as they'll be in the area 'soon' we could meet up.

Stupidly assuming DH knew exactly where the items in question were I suggested he dig them out and call friend's DH at which point he looked a trifle sheepish and said he 'thought' they were in the garage. Now, after buying this house in late 2014 we moved a garage-full of stuff from the storage unit we rented when living at our previous house, so our garage is pretty chocka. I offered to help DH search - which took several days - but to no avail. We also went through cupboards in the house - it's a restoration project and we're living in a building site at the mo, so I thought they were just mislaid - again, no joy.

At that point I started to get suspicious of DH - he does have a bit of a tendency to be a little economical with the truth (nothing really bad, just 'white lies' supposedly to protect me/other people from getting hurt......) - and asked him if he'd either sold them intentionally or inadvertently perhaps? He was adamant that he hadn't and started suggesting our (very expensive and otherwise wholly reliable) removers had nicked them. I should point out here that these items are of no intrinsic, only sentimental value and could probably - with some effort - be replaced.

Anyway, he initially said he'd call friend's DH, then went quiet and when reminded a couple of weeks later he'd (conveniently?) forgotten all about it Now several weeks have passed and I'm feeling awful - my friend doesn't have our landline no and we've both changed mobile numbers since we last spoke. We no longer do FB after we were stalked by someone relating to our business and we don't know when their planned trip this way is. I'm worried that my friend and her DH will turn up on our doorstep when we least expect it. Worse still it's her b/day soon and I now feel I can't send her a card without mentioning the subject.

I feel DH has put me into a difficult position that threatens to undermine a lifelong friendship.....what should I do and AIBU?

Get dh to talk to them. How he talks is instrumental to how they receive the news. Lots of grovelling and apologies is needed.

My god my garage is the black hole. Once things go in,I may never see them again.
He may well have sold them but I think it's unlikely.

I can absolutely understand how a box goes missing in a 2 stage move and renovations. It has happened to us, and it can take a while to notice. OP, don't lose sleep. Apologies and replacement / repayment, not taking no for an answer as quickly as you can, as others have said, and .

I think if you have that much stuff you need to go through it with a fine tooth comb today again. They will probably be there. My house is fairly minimalistic by the sounds of it compared to yours and even I can misplace things and not find them on first search.

If you knew me irl you would know that you're unlikely to find a more honest person.

OP, sorry, but this is laying it on a bit thick. I said up thread that's harsh to blame you.

But the most honest person in the world (which you are implying is you) would not have been able to keep silent about her DH holding onto the vinyl records for 5 years.

I've had my friend's iPod for years now. I keep forgetting to return it even though I have every intention of doing so. She hasn't asked for it but I wouldn't call myself the most honest person in the world for having the intention of returning it.

It's possible that your friends have forgotten the records anyway.

I don't think it is very fair to say the husband is a liar because he once took out a loan without telling the OP. I suppose all marriages are different but if I wanted to borrow a few thousand for something I wouldn't feel I had to run it past my husband, I have always earned my own money and don't need permission to use it. Obviously if I was borrowing tens of thousands that could potentially threaten our home or security but a few thousand is different.

leelu, the OP didn't have the items. It was an arrangement between her husband and friends husband. Do we really have to supervise our husbands now? These two men are adults and need to sort it out.

My husband has a vast collection of what seems like rubbish to me. I have no idea what is in the garage/lofts etc. He has so much stuff and can rarely find anything so buys another one and so the collection grows.

I think its a bit odd he took the items in the first place especially as you dont live close to each other. Particularly as he could have had photos of them instead.

Has he got a list and description, age of each item?

Im afraid this is a loss in trust which will never be forgiven. You can only be honest about your circumstances and send them a cheque for what they think the items are worth, or nicer items, to be fair but its not going to help your friendship. But you will have done what you can. If you dont do this what you have done is basically theft.

grannytomine

If you read my post upthread, I said that it's the OP's DH's responsibility to sort this.

However, I do think the OP is laying it on a bit when she says you won't find a more honest person than her.

I think the most honest person in the world would have had a conversation with her friend during the past 5 years about her DH not having returned the records.

Ring the poor women and be perfectly honest.Tell her you've been in a tailspin, you are so very peed at your husband.Offer to pay and do it pronto before your stupid rip off husband finds the police at his door.If I was your friend I'd prefer the honesty can't stand lies......BUT 1st you need to sort him out you are being an enabler if you allow this behavior to continue in your marriage it's time to draw a line in the sand!

The fact that you are both dealers, have no landline and seem to share one just mobile phone between you (that nobody knows the number of) is odd. That and the fact that neither of you are on any social media for business purposes.

Go easy on OP guys and girls. This stuff simply happens, it's how we deal with it that shows our merit.

OP, try not to feel embarrassed. It's not you who is in the wrong here, you didn't lose the items. Your OH did.

I would assume that whatever has happened to them, they are now long gone. So immediately contact your friend, ask what items went missing and either give them the value or the items, or replace them.

Then do something nice to help derail the resentment which most likely will have built up from them over the years.

Saying he simply misplaced them might work if it wasn't his business and his livlihood. He took them as a professional act ,not as a mate. You don't just lose other peoples collectibles when you are a dealer in collectibles. And when you do, you don't hide from it and ignore the people whose stuff you lost. And you defintely don't offer them "50 quid or something" like OP's husband is now, without even bothering to find out what they are worth.
Maybe he is just completely incompetent, but maybe if he is a useless at is job than all that suggests, OP has bigger problems than a friend she never sees maybe being mad at her.

Vinyl is becoming increasingly fashionable though; turntables are all the rage. It will probably cost your DH a tidy sum to replace 20 albums.

leelu, why? If my husband and a friend lend each other something or have something off the other person for whatever reason that is their business. I have more to do with my time than monitor what two grown men are up to. If I was the OP I was be very offended at my honesty being questioned because of the antics of two grown men. If it was two mothers talking about little boys borrowing toys it would be different.

BarbarianMum, your garage sounds like mine.

Personally it sounds just as plausible that a removal man could have 'misplaced' them as it does your husband, especially with such a huge move over 5 days. If you got a dodgy one what's to say he won't think 'oo they might be worth a few bob and this couple have that much gear they're not going to notice this one box missing'? Why are people so quick to accuse the DH of being so underhand? My mums wedding dress got lost in a house move along with records and other sentimental items (they used professional movers too) so is it really so hard to believe they are genuinely lost or stolen? Just get in touch with your friend ASAP, explain what's happened, apologise profusely and offer to replace or pay for them. I'm sure she will understand xx

I don't understand how people who are dealers don't have phones either, or online contactability. You can set up FB pages with different names, or engage with your potential customers on all sorts of other social media that can also be used by friends. You can blog. I also don't understand how they don't have a good inventory control system, or dedicated storage that is organised so they know where everything is. If the constant rehabbing is the issue, why would you choose to constantly live in the chaos of rehabbing when the upheaval and the living conditions would surely interfere with the merchandise storage and hence your livelihood?

I agree absolutely with SylviaWrath.

I have lost items in house moves too, but I am not a dealer in collectibles or music and if I were, and merchandise was being moved along with personal belongings, then it would be catalogued and insured and it would be checked first thing once it all arrived at its destination. I would either return items that were being appraised for others to them before a move, or be extra careful about them during the move. Depending on the volume of my business I would probably have separate storage for merchandise anyway.

I am really interested in the chaos that the OP seems to be living in. Whose idea is it to live like this?

Granny, the OP received a birthday card from her friend, whose husband owns the items that have disappeared, and in the card was a note asking about the stuff. Either this other woman feels herself to be part owner of the items or she is taking on secretarial responsibilities here. Or the women communicate because they are the ones who know each other best. Both are being put in an awkward position here by their husbands, but since they may both have feelings on the matter (and apparently the OP has had feelings about them on and off for five years) then it is appropriate to at least nag her H about them and be the ones talking to each other about them.

mathanxiety, I would ask him to call, that is reasonable if her friend has asked her to. I don't think it is reasonable to question her honesty because she hasn't sorted it out before, after all if the man who owns the records hasn't bothered in five years, even when he was in their house why would anyone expect the OP to be supervising.

My own DH is also a vinyl collector/dealer, well known for it & runs forums too & as a result I can see how this has happened & can't also see it's unlikely to be malicious. If he's as obsessive as mine, then he's likely to be a bit of an air head with it too, mine is forever bloody losing stuff he's currently digging out our attic as he's moved & lost my graffiti paints & I need them now & have just blown my top

I can also see that the world & his wife thinks that their vinyl collection is rare & valuable & most aren't worth anything at all. DH is forever having people ask his advice on records they think are going to make their fortune &0 having stuff dumped on him to check over & generally he's too polite to say no. He's never turned up anything of value in these collections though, not once, so I doubt very much that your friends DHs box of LPs are worth more than junk shop prices.

That said, this is your DHs problem to sort out, he needs to come clean, apologise & be honest with your friends DH. You also need to speak to your friend, I'm sure she will understand if she is a good friend. You've had a hell of a lot on your plate lately, I'm sure she will be understanding of that & not want to put any more stress on you.

YANBU to be annoyed at your DH though, he needs a verbal kick up the backside, he's the one that needs to own up to having lost the box in the move - I doubt very much it's anything more than that

He sounds horrible

I bet they have just been lost in the move.

Phone the friend. Apologies profusely. Offer to replace or send cash equivalent, whichever they prefer.

On the occasions they were together there were distractions (wife got drunk and there were funerals iirc), but you can't assume the records weren't important to the other couple just because they haven't been in touch. The OP and her H don't keep others apprised of their frequently changing phone numbers, after all.

It's possible the other couple got in touch now because they think the coast is clear since the OP and her H are settled in their new construction site and the strain of caring for three parents with demanding and heartbreaking conditions followed by grieving their deaths is now presumably over. In other words, the friend and her H may have decided it 'wasn't a good time' to bother the OP and her H for five years, but they may have wanted to all the same.

I am not questioning the OP's honesty.

I am wondering why they live in self imposed chaos. Whose idea is the constant rehabbing? How do you end up with an unmortgageable house? What about the small business loan that had no paperwork -- how much was it for and how does the OP know? Where does the idea come from that the H only tells white lies and only to protect other people?

Bit of a drip feed re the records (easy to lose) and ops circumstances and also re her husbands 'form'.

Just replace then. Simples