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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is putting me in a difficult position?

171 replies

RaphaellaTheSpanishWaterDog · 29/03/2016 18:08

About five years ago my best friend (known all my life) invited us to lunch. At the time we were living on the other side of the country but had family close-ish to her house. While there our other halves got talking - they've known each other about 20 years but are not especially close - and her DH showed mine a childhood collection of items that my DH is a specialist in (dealer). My DH offered to take said items home and research them. We next saw my friend again about a year when the subject wasn't referred to and ditto the following year, but both were family gatherings when we all had other things on our minds. Since then we have moved even further away (4+ hrs drive).

Fast forward to a few weeks back when I received a b/day card with a message asking my DH to call hers - he would like the items back and as they'll be in the area 'soon' we could meet up.

Stupidly assuming DH knew exactly where the items in question were I suggested he dig them out and call friend's DH at which point he looked a trifle sheepish and said he 'thought' they were in the garage. Now, after buying this house in late 2014 we moved a garage-full of stuff from the storage unit we rented when living at our previous house, so our garage is pretty chocka. I offered to help DH search - which took several days - but to no avail. We also went through cupboards in the house - it's a restoration project and we're living in a building site at the mo, so I thought they were just mislaid - again, no joy.

At that point I started to get suspicious of DH - he does have a bit of a tendency to be a little economical with the truth (nothing really bad, just 'white lies' supposedly to protect me/other people from getting hurt......) - and asked him if he'd either sold them intentionally or inadvertently perhaps? He was adamant that he hadn't and started suggesting our (very expensive and otherwise wholly reliable) removers had nicked them. I should point out here that these items are of no intrinsic, only sentimental value and could probably - with some effort - be replaced.

Anyway, he initially said he'd call friend's DH, then went quiet and when reminded a couple of weeks later he'd (conveniently?) forgotten all about it Hmm Now several weeks have passed and I'm feeling awful - my friend doesn't have our landline no and we've both changed mobile numbers since we last spoke. We no longer do FB after we were stalked by someone relating to our business and we don't know when their planned trip this way is. I'm worried that my friend and her DH will turn up on our doorstep when we least expect it. Worse still it's her b/day soon and I now feel I can't send her a card without mentioning the subject.

I feel DH has put me into a difficult position that threatens to undermine a lifelong friendship.....what should I do and AIBU?

OP posts:
carabos · 29/03/2016 20:38

I'm with sylvia - So, you have only seen your "best" "lifelong" friend a couple of times in 5 years and have changed all of your contact details as well as lost / stolen / sold some of her husband's personal possessions? Hmm.

Crikey Shock Confused.

Vixyboo · 29/03/2016 20:40

Do you trust him?

My dp is not perfect but he does not tell white lies. He does not get rid of my stuff nor anything belonging to my friends.

Are you upset?

I would be be upset and livid.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 29/03/2016 20:42

I feel DH has put me into a difficult position that threatens to undermine a lifelong friendship

It doesn't strike me as much of a friendship to be honest.

You know your DH is a liar. You knew he had the items and kept them for five years.

You know that your friend can't contact you.

If you have any respect for her at all, then get in touch and be honest with her. Your friend almost certainly thinks that you and your DH have stolen the items. Don't be surprised if she doesn't want to continue being friends with you.

he does have a bit of a tendency to be a little economical with the truth (nothing really bad, just 'white lies' supposedly to protect me/other people from getting hurt……

He's a compulsive liar, then?

Lovelydiscusfish · 29/03/2016 20:51

Maybe he's genuinely lost them. Or not - you know your husband best.

What you need to do, regarding your friend, is ask your husband to price up a decent-to-generous market valuation of the items, had your friends sold them in a way they were likely to (ie to a dealer, on eBay, or through auction - whichever would have made them the most money). You don't necessarily have to offer them London shop prices - just err on the side of generosity in what you offer. Think what is the most they might plausibly have made, using any avenue they may plausibly have used to sell them.

Then offer them an apology, and this amount of money. And have words with your H.

Good luck!

Original poster
RaphaellaTheSpanishWaterDog · 29/03/2016 21:06

Wow, I'm overwhelmed at all the replies and views this thread has prompted Blush

Thanks so much for all the supportive - and not so supportive - messages Flowers I really don't know what to say right now and TBH I'm concerned that this will have outed me, but too late now.....

Firstly I should say the items were albums. Probably about 20, maybe less. I can't say I actually saw them or showed any interest, tbh as it's not my field - I deal in collectables - and leave that side of things (music) to DH. They were in a case/box when we brought them home. I would guess they had a value of £30 or less. I know when DH first brought them home he did some research on them and said they were financially worthless - I did believe this although of course it may not have been true. Even so, I recall seeing the box/case in the office at our previous house - it was on clear view for many months so if I'd have wanted I could have checked to see if the contents were there at any time. I know it was there right up until we sold that house at the end of 2014.

The reason we kept them for so long was that we were going through a pretty stressful time - both my parents and DH's dad were diagnosed with Dementia between 2011 and 2013. My FIL died in early 2013 and my dad in 2014 (last time I saw my friend was at his funeral), then my mum died last Spring. Not that it makes a difference but I'm an only child so had lots of tough decisions to make with only DH's support. During the whole of that time we were also DIYing an unmortgageable house renovation, living on a(nother) building site for 3 years.

Regarding my friendship with this person and their DH - we've known each other for decades but have lived miles apart for a long time, only seeing each other every few years usually, but we still consider each other as best friends, although perhaps I should have said 'oldest friend' in this situation. We're not the type - DH or I, or my friend for that matter - to be constantly in contact on the phone either. In fact DH and I are extremely private and quite insular types. The lack of contact numbers is innocent - when we bought this house the buyers of our previous house kept our landline no, so our change of address cards contained DH's mob only as I had no mobile then - I hate the things. More recently I succumbed and got an iPhone, but failed to inform my friend of my no as I was still grieving the loss of both my parents within 10 months and didn't feel like talking. Then DH's (Samsung Galaxy) phone died and I willingly let him have mine as I wasn't using it. As the sims weren't compatible he took over my no.

The FB stalking was related to another forum I used to frequent where someone got hold of our business details and started hounding us. Nothing to do with a sale or a customer, past or present.

Yes, DH has told one big lie previously - and it was money related - when he took out a small business loan without telling me, his reason being that I was dealing with my dad's death and had enough to worry about. We currently have no financial worries though - our house is owned outright and we don't do credit cards or have any loans etc. Whilst we have had a few tough times with the business and emotional stuff brought on by having to deal with three very sick parents, I can't imagine he'd have ever been so desperate as to sell a few albums for £30......

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt - we've been married over 20 years and have a grown up DC - but right now I am struggling to believe him. I know I'm going to have to come clean with my friend, but am terrified of the prospect and wholeheartedly agree that it should be DH that deals with it, regardless of whether the 'loss' was deliberate or not.

Think I need to confront him ASAP Sad

OP posts:
Crabbitface · 29/03/2016 21:13

Raphaella I'm so sorry to hear about your recent bereavements. It does sound like you have had a lot on your plate. It sounds like the albums should be fairly easy to replace if none of them were properly expensive, so I'd contact friend and her husband for a full list of what was given and then just buy them. I think they would appreciate your honesty and even if they don't you can rest easy knowing that you tried to remedy things. Flowers

EverySongbirdSays · 29/03/2016 21:13

Has your friends DH never asked for a treasured childhood collection back in 5 years???

I can't imagine my best friend not knowing my mobile number

She's never mentioned it??? but cant contact you in any case.

Most likely they both think you've sold them and that you were in on it.

Your DH is a thief plainly, and has done this to his wifes best friend without hesitation.

Buckinbronco · 29/03/2016 21:16

Don't let MN rile you up OP. It's very easy to be outraged through the computer. You know your marriage and DH, no one here does

Dustyantique · 29/03/2016 21:17

Well, I was intrigued to know the category of item, as some types would ve difficult to assess, replace etc. Albums will be pretty easy to value if their condition is known, and easy to replace.

Ask your friend which albums they were, (they should easily remember if they had sentimental value), and then either replace or refund depending on your friend's preference.

If you value the friendship, I'd do it quickly too.

EverySongbirdSays · 29/03/2016 21:18

Sorry I posted before seeing the update OP Flowers

I do think they were worth more than he said and he has sold them.

JolieMadame · 29/03/2016 21:19

Sorry for your losses OP.

I'm a bit confused as to which part you don't believe your DH on though - what do you think has happened to the albums?

Toast3 · 29/03/2016 21:33

I think you've just got to be honest no matter how cringey it is! Write to the and explain...how awful!

Whatthefoxgoingon · 29/03/2016 21:39

Oh dear now I feel even worse. Please do confront him. As your husband, I really think he owes you complete honesty. I'm shocked he took out a loan without telling you!

TealLove · 29/03/2016 21:43

That is absolutely awful. What a dreadful position you're in and the poor people.
You need to sort it pronto.

TealLove · 29/03/2016 21:46

Sorry x post!

Lovelydiscusfish · 29/03/2016 22:06

Oh,OP, so sorry for your losses, and the hard times you've been facing.

Given the value and nature of the items, it's not such a big deal. And I can see that your husband may have lost them in the move. They are also replaceable. Offer a reasonable amount (maybe £50 if you think the value was £30), or to attempt to replace them, if they are not happy with that- but obviously it will take time. If they were too attached to the items, I doubt they'd have left them with you for years!

Misswrite89 · 29/03/2016 22:11

LTB

DontMindMe1 · 29/03/2016 22:39

he only told you they were worth £30....you don't know that for sure.

Most likely he's sold them and is now shitting himself - or not as the case may be. did you see any signed documents/contracts re the business loan he took out without discussing it with you first?

bit coincidental....

littledrummergirl · 29/03/2016 22:44

When dfil passed away we found ourselves with his record collection. I put the numbers into Google and one ordinary box was around £150. I think your dh is still lying to you. SorryFlowers

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/03/2016 22:53

Jesus Christ the man probably just lost them?! What happened to innocent until proven guilty?! You lot would be knitting at the gallows with alacrity.

JolieMadame · 29/03/2016 22:54

I read that as "knitting the gallows"

I'm thinking "well that wouldn't be very effective...." Blush

DoreenLethal · 29/03/2016 22:54

So he deals in vinyl and yet kept a so called friend's stash, and 'lost' it in a move?

What a pro.

Many of my friends are in the same business and would never let that slip through the net. Their reputation stands on their knowledge and they would know how much the 20 records are worth...because that is their area of expertise. They would never do this to a friend.

Vintage45 · 29/03/2016 22:57

Lost them? did he take them for a walk?

Tartyflette · 29/03/2016 22:57

I recently sold a few albums to a dealer (not nearly as many as 20) and he gave me £30 for them - that's fine, I was happy with that. But I expect he got quite a bit more for them when he sold them, and that's fine too. So I suspect your DH made quite a bit more if and when he sold them. Sorry.

lorelei9here · 29/03/2016 23:04

MyKingdom, no, I wouldn't, I can't knit.

I don't think £30 for 20 albums that OP DH took home, so knew might be of value, is the right amount.

Also don't see how they could be lost unless he's the most careless person ever. And disrespectful of other people's possession.

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